I guess you could call me a reluctantly, possible WAW. We've been married 30 years, next month; together 33.5 years, since I was 15. We have 3 adult children, 2 biological girls (27, 26) and a son that he raised since he was 7, now 30. We also have 1 grandson (7), who has lived with us since he was born (his mom too).
There is so much going on in my head lately, and I just don't know what to do anymore. I've spent 30 years building the life that I have, and I don't want it to end, but I'm becoming more and more indifferent toward my husband, which breaks my heart.
We almost split about 14 years ago, but when given the ultimatum..."this is who I am, accept it, or let go," I chose to stay. I did the whole work on myself, get a life, blah, blah, blah. Things improved, but there was always still an emptiness lurking in the background.
Around 12 years ago, I started getting sick with a sneaky, rare illness, which became noticeable little by little. Then it came on like a freight train in 2007. It still took 2 years to figure out what was wrong with me, which culminated with brain surgery in Dec 2009. By that time, I was very close to death. I am still recovering, and my illness has basically made me unable to work, which of course, adds more stress to our lives.
My husband has been a part of my life since I was a young girl...we grew up together. We decided early on that we would have our kids young, I would stay home with them, then I would go to school & finally go to work and help build our retirement. Well...I was in school (I'm 2/3 finished with my degree) when I started getting sick and had to drop out because I could no longer keep up with the work. All of our plans have changed. I let him down...I didn't fulfill my end of the deal. Also, because of our previous decision that I be a sahm, I have no SSI to fall back on.
Although, he would never leave me, he exhibits a great deal of resentment and anger. The other day he spewed mean words about me living in "his" house for free. It is all falling apart. He is drinking all the time. He never comes to me for sex, he will oblige me if I want it, but I've stopped trying, because I don't want obligatory sex. We actually went 5 years without because I did the "180." I stopped asking for, displaying need for, and trying for sex. I let him off the hook, and he ran with it. For the last two years, sex takes place about every 3 months or so, because I just can't stand it anymore. He is diabetic, and of course I know that drinking, diabetes, and life stress affects libido, but he still talks about sex like it is a possibility...he just never follows through. He says it isn't anything earth shattering, he just gets too tired (drunk) and "forgets" about it (passes out). He says he is a "morning" guy, to which I've responded, "then come to me then." He doesn't.
There is so much more to our story, as I'm sure you can imagine, but I'm not writing a memoir here...lol. It's just come to a point where I'm seeing a possible ending. If we clean up the house enough...we could sell and pay off ALL of our debt. At that point, I could leave. He wouldn't be "stuck" with me anymore, and I would be able to possibly build a life that might include a man who wants me. Also, because I know the man he is, I feel as if I wouldn't be missed at all. He tells me often that he doesn't need me. That the things that I do for him, he could do for himself. It makes me unbelievably sad to know that the life I worked so hard to have, a much more stable one than I grew up with, could end so easily, and all the years of us being together won't be anymore, and that I won't be missed.
Anyway, that is a quicky story of my marriage. I don't know what to do. I'm pissed that I've been put in the position that I have to make a decision. I pissed that I've been put in the position that I have to have the, "you are an alcoholic" conversation with him (which I've been avoiding). I'm pissed that I mean so little.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Sorry you find yourself here. I would suggest you order the books right away before doing anything. It sounds like you are willing to at least entertain the idea of fixing it if its possible. Thats great! I would also suggest in your sitch the Five Love Languages if you havent read it yet.
Right now you are in moderation so you need to try to post often whether it be on your own thread or someone else's until you get off of it. Im sure some of the vets will chime in here soon and get you started. Best of Luck!
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I just bought The SSW, and I already have DB from before when we were in trouble. Someone else recently recommended The Five Love Languages so I guess it is a good one to take a look at. Whenever I'm feeling off, I always run for a book... hence the name.
I am wanting to fix things, but this time around I'm not sure how to do it. It sure would make it easier to fix things if H communicated with me; he shuts down which feels very passive aggressive to me. I just don't know where to start. I understand the whole GAL business, but the way my life is, everyday is about trying to GAL again. I really hope to find my footing and starting point here. I've been reading as many of the threads as I can.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
Me 54 Him 63 M 23 T 29 0 Kids Funny Farm of Rescues 12/12 OW-- 5/13 ILYBINILWY: A denied 9/13 Proof OW: ENDED 2/14 Got D papers on my BD I kicked him out for my sanity 9/14 He wants to "talk"?
If you already have DB what about The Divorce Remedy. The sequel to DB? And yes 5LL to me, is a must read. It opened my eyes within the first few minutes of reading it. Very easy read and probably wont take you more than 4 or 5 hours I wouldnt think. Your type of situation is pretty much spot on, minus alcoholism, with some of the situations in the book. Might be able to help you find that starting point you are looking for.
I cant give you any advice on the alcoholism portion of this as I dont have any experience, but Im sure that you will find a wealth of information from others on here about it. Try to post often on here so that your thread is more visible and post on other threads too. You never know, you might be able to help someone else as well.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
Dont worry there are plenty of people here that will help you. Divorce is not the only option here. Wait till you start getting advice from some of the vets on here, then you will get some real insight.
M:33 W:30 T:10 M:2 B/D: 5/27/14 S: 5/28/14 Wife moved back in 7/18/14
I checked in real quick before I went to bed last night, and I must tell you, all I could think about all night was "enabling." Questioning over and over which of my behaviors were/are enabling. Neither of us has ever been to AA. I grew up with an alcoholic dad, so I've read some of the literature, especially about adult children of alcoholics.
Couple of thoughts I had throughout the night: * I've never spoken to him about his drinking, is that enabling? * He isn't one to take much advice from me, or "put up" with me telling him what he should do. He reminds me time and time again that I am not his mother and doesn't need me taking care of him. * Also, I suppose I made it easy for him, having to spend much of the last few years "on the couch." I guess... at least he was here with me. It isn't easy for him to be a witness to my daily struggles and pain. * I've never brought his drinking up to my IC since I am there trying to recover from the grief brought on by my illness, and how to come to terms with the "new" me.
I'm not sure how to begin to address this with him; what changes should be made. How does one do this? I know that asking, pleading, crying, complaining won't work... been there with my dad. He only stopped drinking when he was ready.
As for my husbands thoughts on divorce. He is really proud of the fact that we've had one of the longest marriages in either of our families. For him our 30th anniversary next month is a pride thing (if that makes sense). He would never ask for a divorce, but if I approached him with it, he would not stop it from happening. He will not come after me, he will not ask me to stay. He is very pragmatic and prides himself on his ability to not show emotion. He tells me he does not 'need' me, that the reason he is still around is because he wants to be. I guess that's good. And, he would have a serious problem with me being on this forum, sharing our private lives with strangers; pride is very important to him and he probably believes talking about these things would make him look bad. I decided to come anyway, because I need someone to talk to about this, and the anonymity helps.
M - 48, H - 50 M - 30, T - 33.5 D - 27, D - 26 S - 30
