Situation worsening

[LBSinTX]

W is staying in the house and paying the mortgage and bills. She texted me yesterday saying that the drain pan for the AC was leaking and asked me what she needed to do. This has been a problem that crops up from time to time because of the age of the AC. I gave her some advice. I did not offer to come take care of it because she acts so independent about things. She texts me again this morning with pictures of things in the attic that I left unfinished and really just seemed to be pointing out how irresponsible I am. She told me that a friend came by to help her fix the issue last night and that she was going to do some additional work to complete it. Not sure if "friend" is an OM or... Anyway, she's never seen me as attentive or responsible in such areas and she has some valid points but it just seems that she continues to get more and more bitter about all things with me and treats me with disdain. I've pretty well gone dark but when we have to interact about any business she borders on hostility. We can make small talk and things are happy but when it turns to anything real I get daggers. It's unclear to me how I'll ever be able to demonstrate to her that I've changed. It's only been 3 weeks since the physical separation began. Is this a situation that will get worse before it gets better? Patience has never been my strong point. What should I do in this situation??? Please help.

[Thornton]

I think she is looking for reasons to stay mad at you. It's easier for her to feel mad. That way she doesn't have to feel the sadness, guilt, anxiety over the sitch.

IMO, you stay dark. If she wants to vent, let her vent. Validate her feelings. Do not get sucked into defending yourself to her. Her perception is her reality. Stay cool and calm.

[LBSinTX]

I think you're right. It's hard not to follow her moods. I'd trained myself to do that over the past few years and it has been disastrous. I've been OK for the most part with a few slips but it's still so early on in the process and so many "business" items unsettled. Being patient is very hard for me. Thanks for the advice and support.

[oad]

man it sounds like my wife...we have been separated for 3 months now and it seems like she gets angrier and angrier...stay strong!!! its going to be hell...she is just justifying her reasons to leave you.

[LBSinTX]

oad,

Saw her yesterday when I dropped the kids of and she seemed so irritated. My son was pretty wound up when I dropped him off and she looked like she was going to have a nervous breakdown. I found a place and I'm moving in on the 3rd. I was asking about furniture and things that we said we'd split before but I never got a straight answer. She just got very agitated and told me she didn't want to deal with it and that I put her off when she wanted to go through it before. I also found out from a mutual friend that she'd told lies about me being insanely possessive and stalking her when she went out with her friends or her sister. Not true. There was one instance where I did show up at a bar where they had gone out but I was asked to join them. I initially said no but then showed up a couple of hours later. I just wonder if she believes her own lies or if she's just trying to justify what she's done. And, if so, if she'll ever realize them for what they are. This mutual friend who is a woman and married to my best friend said that my wife acts like no one should be surprised by the separation and pending divorce. However, the friend who has seen us at our worst is very surprised. I know she's in an MLC. Things seem pretty bleak right now but I think they will improve once I have my stuff completely out of the house and our contact is reduced even further. This Thursday will be 5 weeks since ILVBNILWY. I thought I'd see improvement at this point. Part of me feels like that anger is the only thing keeping her away and she doesn't want to let it subside for fear that she'll find herself coming back. IDK. Tired of guessing her feelings.

[LBSinTX]

Also,

Her birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. Just wondering if I should wish her happy birthday via text. She did not wish me happy father's day yesterday but I don't want to play tit for tat. Overall, my sense is that I shouldn't. Thoughts?

[artsy]

I'm guessing at 5 weeks in, she has no idea what she's feeling and it may change minute to minute. With time she will settle in to some realization. I think the reality of their choices hits them like a brick in the face, when it comes down to it.

As far as the birthday text, follow your gut. I would send it, but to me birthdays are extremely important (everyone's, not just mine). I would go with your instincts so you have zero regrets later.

[LBSinTX]

I hope so artsy. She's the most stubborn person I've ever met. She seems so absolutely sure right now. Moving forward at breakneck speed and making lots of new friends. I'm learning patience along the way. It's funny how I can be so put off by her behavior but still have such strong feelings for her. Perhaps it's the hurt that keeps me so close.

[recng]

Also,

Her birthday is coming up in less than two weeks. Just wondering if I should wish her happy birthday via text. She did not wish me happy father's day yesterday but I don't want to play tit for tat. Overall, my sense is that I shouldn't. Thoughts?

It really comes down to what she would expect from you and doing the opposite. Does she expect you to be cold and uncaring? If so I would send a text. Does she expect you to pursue her? If so I wouldn't.

When in doubt, going dark is almost never wrong.

[LBSinTX]

recng, I wish I could answer that. Not sure what she expects. I haven't pursued her. I feel I've been friendly but haven't engaged her very much. There was one exception where I joked about going on a date after the divorce. She has accused me of being cold a couple of times. She takes me as being hostile sometimes and I don't know how she's getting that from our interactions. Maybe she's just projecting. I was speaking with her last night in the kitchen and she kept eye contact with me and she looked almost scared. It was bizzare. I couldn't tell if she wanted to break down and cry or stab me ;-) I can tell you that my instinct is thy she's afraid if she lets her guard down with me she'll "get sucked back in." The gate is well guarded right now. She has showed a little curiosity at times about what's going on with me but not for a couple of weeks. I think an OM is complicating the situation. She's having fun but she's not happy. I'll probably err on the side of caution and forgo the birthday wish. I'm probably going to run it by a mutual friend to get her thoughts first. I really appreciate the input.