Train, I had read much of the advice you have given to others and I respect your directness as well as your insight and I value your suggestions. Any ideas for me..............
So, I went to Moscow - stayed in my H's apartment, I wanted to see how he was living and I wanted to talk. It would seem that he has everything the way he wants it - a warm, very comfortable, well located apartment, he has been to IKEA and has bought a lot of stuff there so that he is comfortable. He has a cleaning lady who washes and irons his clothes and cleans the apartment. He went to a lot of effort to describe his days / evenings and nights. I know its mind reading but it was obvious to me that he was trying to let me know that he didn't have time for an OW. We slept together (only one bed) and he stuck to the edge of the bed and didn't come near me. I know him and I know he is in a A - so, he is living a 'half life' in each of his worlds. He has his life in Moscow exactly as he wants it - having his A but not living with her, has his own apartment, pretending to me that he is not in a R with anybody - making sure that everyone over there who may be in contact with me keeps his secret (we went to his business partner's apartment for dinner - he lives with a young woman and they have a new baby - I saw a message he sent to his business partner asking if his partner was 'primed' not to tell me anything. Also thanking him for uninviting another work collegue because he might have said something to me after a few drinks - what alot of effort he went to to ensure I wouldn't find out something I already know!.
At this stage I just feel sorry for him and even for her. I have so much more than either of them will ever have, a loving family and children who care so much about me and miss me when I'm away - I am not fake, I am not a liar, I am not a cheater. During the course of the meal I received a phonecall from a client - my H said who is that, I told him it was John and he laughed for the benefit of those present saying 'wondering who John is?' big joke suggesting I might be having an A, they all laughed - but the joke was supposed to be on me, being the only one in the room that didn't know about his A - Yet, I knew they were all lying. How very sad for all of them but most especially for my H - what a way to live your life - lying, cheating and making jokes about it in the presence of your wife of 25 years and the mother of your children.
I am sad for my H, but see no improvement, no desire to be a better person, no ability to be in a comnmitted loving R with me or even with her - while I am detached and know who I am.
I wonder if this is the way he always wanted our M - I am useful, a good mother who looks after his children well, someone who will listen to his endless critisim of others ('so and so is such a liar' - how often do I hear that, the irony seems to be lost on him), someone who makes him look better than he is. I do know there is a good person in there, capable of love but he doesn't love himself and has embraced his 'shadow self' to the full. I have heard it said that 'if you do not see your shadow you are not standing in the light' - he saw his shadow but has moved out the light and has chosen to live in the dark.
So, it looks to me like he has his freedom, his space, more money than he tells me about and his OW when he wants. He seems to be enjoying a reputation as a 'woman magnet' - his male friends seem to view him this way.
He was kind to me, but in an 'obligation' kind of way.
There was one thing though, one little thing - we were talking about the streets at night and I asked him was he ever afraid, he said he was 'afraid all the time'. I knew he meant that he is afraid of making the wrong decisions but I let it go.
I don't know where to go from here - I have been making changes for me, GALing, and generally just getting on with my life. He is not here though and I have no idea how to guide him back home to me - he is lying and lying and lying - what do I do about that.
Oh, on Valentines day he sent me an email with a picture of roses - just a simply wish for a happy valentines day - no kisses or anything - it always seems like he wants to be nice but not too nice in case I get ideas about 'us'. I had decided not to send him any message on Valentines day and was sure that he wouldn't send me one - but when he did I just replied 'thank you and I hope you had a lovely day too x'.
He thinks that I believe he is not in an R with anyone - and I haven't told him I know - should I? I have no idea what, if anything, I should do next................
Hi Sonas, No suggestions I'm afraid, just want you to know that you sound strong and your H has to make up his own mind re your R. You seem to be keeping the door open and you can't do much more. You do read about affairs having a timeline but who knows.
Carry on with your life and be the best you that you can.
Thanks so much rd500, I am strong sometimes, most times..........but at other times I just cry for all of us, I know this is killing my H - I cannot understand how this intelligent man does not see, yet, that how he is living his life is not making him 'happy', is hurting those people who want the best for him, but most of all, how it is making everything worse for him..............
I am leaving the door open, but is that my mistake? Is that what is prolonging this?
I am trying to be the best I can be and I hope you are doing the same..........it is the only way forward.........
Hi Cadet, Thanks so much for your input, always appreciated!
I have spent the last few days thinking about what you said - I thought I had let go, I thought I had dropped the rope but I haven't really and will now make a determined effort to do so, thanks for reminding me.
Yes, he is depressed, he hides it from all his new found friends and colleagues in Moscow, they think he is having a great life with lots of women while his W is at home in Ireland looking after things there for him. But I know and yes I want to help him but I know that I can't, I think he wants me to though.............
No, not a magic bullet, but this is his third year in 'replay' and what I am doing in terms of BD is not working, I need to change this and to do what works, I just don't know what that is yet. The only 'needs' I am meeting (as far as I am aware) is that he knows I am here, knows I am leaving the door open - is this something I should change?
I am being patient but I know he is stuck, do I leave him stuck?
Hi Somas, I think your last line says it all, you just need to be the best you can be. I am trying but sometimes to get the voice in your head that wants to make them feel how you feel but what would that really gain me.
In need of advice; It is our 26th Wedding Anniversary tomorrow. H sent me an email this morning as follows: Hi Sonas, I guess you are probably surprised that I remembered this date.. Anyway, I wish you a happy Wedding Anniversary - and I hope it's a good day...
He didn't sign it. He also sent a text message simply saying 'Happy Anniversary, Sonas'.
The fact that he is a day early doesn't bother me at all - I had decided not to mention it tomorrow (dropping the rope!) but now I don't know what to do. I don't want to be rude and ignore his wishes but I also don't know what to say.
It is important to bear in mind that he doesn't think I know about his various OWs, his online dating etc. etc. and also that he has told me that 'he doesn't love me'.
He is depressed, he is stuck, I can't fix this - any suggestions for a reply?
