Divorced and still bitter!!

[kenva]

Been divorced now a little over a month. Tonight is my last night in the marital home. She moves back in. I am still bitter and I have asked my coach to help me on this. I still want to DB. It's hard to keep focused cause the other day I found out that my s told me the OM was at a party w them and one of her friends ,who I think was the downfall of my W. They spent the night at her friends house and s told me OM was in W room. A little too soon don't ya think. Even our co parenting therapist said not to bring anyone new around s for a while. W doesn't care. She is still in her own world. Had a real nice conversation with our neighbor and she told w that she will regret what she is doing. That if she thinks there is something better out there she got a rude awakening. Neighbor went thru the same. She left her husband and regrets it till this day. But that conversation didn't phase w. I guess I need to start calling her the mother of my s. I still have great support from my family and especially hers. Her sister still calls me once a week to see how I'm doing. Yesterday a solicitor came by to sell cookbooks. He was in ministry school. Told him I wasn't interested. But when he was to leave he asked if I had a prayer request. Wow. Was this as angel sent ? So I told him it was a little deep. He listened. I told him to pray for getting a family back together. He put his hand out I grabbed it then my s hand. He said an awesome prayer for me. I closed my eyes and listened. It was a good feeling. Well we will see. I still pray for a miracle but I know that my life can't be on hold. Bitter!!
Trying to work on it.

[Cadet]

Sounds like you have not learned about detachment yet.

Divorce may force that upon you.

Keep moving forward.

[kenva]

Going from bitterness to being disgusted. Found out from s that this past weekend s and his mother went to a weekend event out if town. Quite a few hours away. Come to find out her friend drive them up and back. Yes we are divorced but apparently what our co parenting therapist told us about having certain friends around and the affect on our s doesn't seem to phase this woman. I am disgusted. Not angry but disgusted. Yea she was seeing this guy behind my back for over 2 years and having confronting her that I knew , but , come on. Does she really have to throw this in my face. She knows s will tell me. And to top it off she text me a pic of our s over the weekend saying he is having fun. It's still all about her. I feel sorry for her and other people that think like this. They have a problem. Don't send me a pic of our s when her friend is around.

[Drew]

You're divorced correct?

You can't control what she does.

Let it go.

[kenva]

I have let her go. I just can't let go the fact that her irresponsible ness will affect our s even more than just the divorce. She is going to do what she wants. She has for 3 years and got her divorce. But as a father, I need to protect my s. As a mother. She isn't.

[Drew]

So what do you think you should do?

[25yearsmlc]

Going from bitterness to being disgusted. Found out from s that this past weekend s and his mother went to a weekend event out if town. Quite a few hours away. Come to find out her friend drive them up and back. Yes we are divorced but apparently what our co parenting therapist told us about having certain friends around and the affect on our s doesn't seem to phase this woman. I am disgusted.

When did your therapist tell your wife not to introduce her son to OM?

I mean, it's been a few years now...so when would you think it's okay for your wife to introduce OM to your son? And is it at least possible that hiding OM from son, also does damage? It can't help her r with Son...in most WAS's eyes, once they inform you of OP, they are "Free" to do as they please. Surely with the divorce filed, 95% feel that way and with the divorce FINALIZED the fact is, you have no choice here and no legal right to object.

What are you doing with yourself these days? You need to detach a lot more and that always requires GAL, which is hard when you are becoming bitter.

Pardon the cliche but this is about what you want to become, a bItter man or a bEtter man?

Not angry but disgusted. Yea she was seeing this guy behind my back for over 2 years and having confronting her that I knew , but , come on. Does she really have to throw this in my face. She knows s will tell me.

so, really, you would prefer if she kept sneaking around and hiding the R from your son? How does that help your son? Or is this mostly (all) about you? I'm sorry if that hurts to read but I just see wounded ego all over this. I don't know what "throwing it in my face" means...of course at some point, son will meet a man she is dating. If she marries OM, is that also throwing it in your face? I'm being sincere...

You have to GAL man...really. It's over. SOME couples remarry later, (I've heard it's about 15%) but I can't imagine it happening with how you are kind of stuck...

And to top it off she text me a pic of our s over the weekend saying he is having fun. It's still all about her.


No it's not. You are spiraling negatively now. Like a swirling vortex...b/c she sent you a picture of your SON having fun, not her. It was a gesture of kindness to the co-parent. NOT an act of vengeance.. if that is too much for you to handle, tell her you don't want to hear or see anything about your son while SHE has him...will that be better for you?

Would you prefer if you knew she was moping and depressed and around your son? Think about how you are spinning what she does....it's all bad no matter what or how much time has passed...


I feel sorry for her and other people that think like this. They have a problem. Don't send me a pic of our s when her friend is around.

Come on, you're better than this. Let it go. Let HER go. Let the past go...

enjoy your time with your son and GAL so you can detach and be happy so he can see both his parents moving forward in life.

He'll face his own setback some day...show him how a man of strength and honor moves on in life, and adapts and creates his own happiness and new, better life.

[25yearsmlc]

I have let her go. I just can't let go the fact that her irresponsible ness will affect our s even more than just the divorce. She is going to do what she wants. She has for 3 years and got her divorce. But as a father, I need to protect my s. As a mother. She isn't.

Protect him... from what? Is the OM a monster? Then tell the court. IS she unfit? If so, then tell the court. But from what I read, she told you she wanted out of the m, more than 3 years ago. Now, You are legally divorced. But you're still mad as hell. My gut says you don't think SHE deserves you letting go of the anger, but that's where you are not seeing straight.


** If you recall nothing else I say, remember this:

Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire


to get smoke in their eyes....


It hurts you much much more than it hurts them, if it hurts them at all.
Think about that.

She's with the man she left you for, so that is a consistent presence in her life. As much as that hurts, I'm not sure if he were "OM #64", it would be better.

In fact, I'd argue it would be worse if she paraded around in front of your son, all the guys she meets, dates and then dumps.


Instead, there is just the one OM. Now, I'm so sorry you are still deeply wounded and unhealed from this.

And I get the feeling that you'd prefer if she were with either no one, or someone...just NOT OM. But then you could choose to feel worse b/c she's with no one and yet did not return to you (thus, in effect, choosing to be alone rather than with you), or you could feel worse b/c she left you for someone not so special...b/c IMO, when a spouse leaves you for another person, and then does NOT end up with them, it could feel worse to be left for "no one special". So there are ways you can view this and guarantee that you'll feel crappy about it no matter what her choices are.

I have a sister who was similarly wounded, b/c her h left her, and to her shock, he married OW (whom she did not know of) just 31 days later (the legal minimum).

Despite the many years having passed since her h left her for OW, and married OW, and had a baby with OW...my sister is still hurt and bitter. And that makes her less attractive to men she meets...a lot less. It also affected her career.

I"m here to tell you that you only get one life. Oh sure, you knew that. But you are ruining your only life...yes, YOU are. Not your FORMER wife.

Here comes a 2 x 4 and I do hope you take this in the spirit in which it's intended and given, which is a spirit of concern.

You sound so much like my sister....and she's miserable and my brothers won't spend much time with her anymore b/c she is "a drag to be around" and they won't introduce her to any more guys b/c she talks about her ex h TO THEM...and deeply distrusts men and to my knowledge she has seen 2 counselors and the reason she saw them was NOT TO look at herself,

but to ask them WHY her h left her? And to predict whether he'd be miserable and or regret leaving her. NOT about HER growth or need to change at all, the counseling and therapy was about how to fix or control OTHERS...and avoid looking within, at almost any costs.

It has been over a DECADE...but hey, you sound so much like her.


You are talking as if your wife is 1) cheating on you, today, and or

2) left you... last month...AND OR

3) that you are still married.

^^^None of those things are true, yet you operate as if they are.

I did not read your original thread so I have NO IDEA what your wife's complaints about the marriage, or your behavior were, IF any, OR If you have worked on yourself to become a man only a fool would leave...but

I hear a man wallowing and fuming, after all this time. You know, I have 2 family members who divorced and later remarried their former spouses, so, yeah, it can happen.

And imo, if you actually really changed yourself and became the man you always wanted to be, the man she needed, the fact that you are the father of her only child-- would make any mother re-think her choice.... who knows? Maybe there is still time...

but if you are condemning and self righteous and bitter, well, who wants to return to that? Spouses who leave a marriage that was unhappy (for them), do not return to the marriage, unless they believe it can be better/different than before.

So, why would she expect that? I'm sincerely asking. But I shall assume you do not want a reconciliation bsed on your comments here.

Anyhow, What are you DOING to Get A life? To move forward, to be happy, to be a healthy role model for your son?

B/c if you are really into "protecting" your son, you'll care more about the example YOU are setting, than what the heck your EX wife is doing.

If all your son sees is her happy with OM, in a loving healthy r,

versus you stomping your feet judging/condeming her, fuming...

well, I guess I need to ask you what YOUR GOAL would be in doing all that. Why not choose to move forward? It really is a choice.

At what point, if any, will you choose to move on? Have you sought any type of counseling? There is no shame in that.

Been there, done that. It's when I truly looked in the mirror and dug deep to see who I had become versus who my h had fallen in love with, and man, I had to let go of a lot.

I let go of my scorecard, I let go of my marital history (B/c HIS was a lot different than mine, and so was his scorecard)

and I let go of the past "injustices" and MY ANGER. Know why? B/c it consumed ME, not him.


If you have actually read the Divorce Busting or Div Remedy Book (I suggest the latter if possible),

then you know it's your turn to just be in charge of your own happiness and stop the blame game. Move on...see what happens when you become a happier man.

It sure will help your son.

[kenva]

Well I haven't been here in a while. Been trying to work on myself and s. Gone to a few counseling sessions and therapist said I'm moving along. I have no verbal contact still w x. Text only. I have only seen her once when I dropped s off and on the phone once, a butt dial on her end. I have been on a few dates. One a blind date which I have never done in my life and w this other woman. She's a little pushy on having a relationship. Me. Don't think I'm ready yet. I kinda want to get thru this first holiday season on my own. Still talk to my ex mother n law and her sister about once a week. Found out that x invited her mother to dinner one night but there was a twist. The Om was going to be w her. So her mother politely told her she isn't ready for that yet. That she considers him one of the reasons of this broken marriage. She got defensive and said it wasn't his fault. "What ever". She and I knew this day would come. She's curious how Xmas will end up if she brings him. I told her if she does , and I'm supposed to pick up s Xmas eve from mother n laws house, that, no offense but I won't come to her house to pick him up. She would have to bring him to me. I know we are legally divorced but I don't have to do anything I don't want. The one thing therapist said is that my s can and had picked up on my moods and that he worries about me. I don't want her or her friend ruining my Xmas w my s. So here I am. Still bitter? A little yes. But who wouldn't. She was cheating on me w him for almost 2 1/2 years before being divorced. And I deserve to be bitter. The words from my therapist. " I have never seen anyone try so hard to try and change themselves the way You did and the books You read and db coaching you have done. " I still do pray every night , every night for 3 years now , for hope. I hope everyone here has a merry Xmas and happy new year. I also pray for everyone else because no one should go thru this.

[adinva]

You deserve to not be bitter too. I hope you let it go sometime.