Ok,so last year I noticed some what of an emotional affair, confronted him, denied. Then in January this year, I had enough of the texting and confronted the ow, she denied it also ( by text). I came home and he said he liked her, to give him time. I pushed too much. Then in March I confronted the other w again after I found text messages on my bill. then again after two weeks I was to meet him for vacation. Found out again he tried to contact her.( I had blocked his phone from calling and receiving calls) Since then the ow through him out, said she didn't want anything to do with him. So when we returned from the vacation, he told me that he didn't love me, that he hasn't for a while. I asked so why was he giving me hope he said that he didn't want to hurt my feelings. To all this he has not said that I am a bad person,he said it's him that I have done nothing wrong, but I know I have and I told him. he doesn't want me to hate him, he said he will take care of me economically, that I will not miss anything, That I can stay at the house we currently live together at, live with my daughter or rent an apt. He will pay my bills. For Mother's day he bought me flowers and a card. Bought us dinner. Even called my older son for not showing up. So my question how do I handle this? Father's day is coming up do I get him a gift and card? Do I ignore him, keep speaking to him? I did all the wrong things in the beginning and in my last argument by questioning, begging, crying, etc HELP!!! Is this MLC? or he just doesn't love me anymore
Pain, Get Divorce Remedy book and Divorce Busting. Take a deep breath as some of the experienced folks will comment soon. Cadet will post you some links to read. Also, read the newbie section. I'm very new at this and have learned a lot. Good luck.
Also, you'll be on moderator review for a bit so your posts will not show up immediately, but don't sweat that just something to expect. Sorry I can't help more but I'll encourage you all I can.
W-37 Me-37 M-16yrs & 5days W "Done" Day = Valentine Day 2014 D-8/13/2014 S16 S13 S11 D8
I can tell you to try to calm down and relax. It's horrible, feels horrible, but you have come to a place that should be able to help you.
Read as many posts as you can? Get DR book.
Hang in there.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Hi P and welcome to the crappiest place to be. Or the best, depending how you look at it
Can you give more of the story? Why do you feel responsible for his feelings?
At the top of the MLC board, there are many stickies (yellow next to them). They are worth reading.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what she says and 50% of what she does.
I would not ask her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
I feel that it partly my fault because it takes two to communicate and I didn't. I would just get angry at him for situations and not speak to him and ignore him. I wouldn't communicate ever.
Hi. I want to tell you first that you will be ok. You will get through this. You will not always feel as you do now.
So, it is best to stick to one thread so we can follow your story. You are on moderation, so, you may not feel that people are responding. It just takes some time. Just keep posting - on your thread and others.
The more you can tell us about your situation, the better we can help.
How old are you both? How long have you been married? Kids, etc.
I know it doesnt feel like it at the moment, but, this can be an amazing opportunity for you to become your best self.
The way to start is to look within. Are the things he has said about you and your marriage true? Remember to only own your stuff, not his.
Once you can figure out the things that need changing, you can begin to start doing that.
Be careful not to blame yourself for those things that arent your fault.
You did what many of us do at the beginning of this. Now you know better, so you will do better.
There isnt any way to know if this is a MLC for sure. Tell us how he has changed recently and maybe we can sort it out some.
No matter what it is or isnt, your actions should remain the same.
No more pleading and crying. That feels like pursuit to them and they dont like it. Be upbeat and confident around him. Let him see who you can be.
At first you may have to "fake it til you make it". But over time, you really will feel that way.
Give him a lot of space. Do not call unless it is an emergency or about the welfare of the children.
I can say yes the things he said are true, I own up to them, I would get angry with him and not talk for weeks to him and do my own thing. we lack communication in our marriage. I would yell at him in public for things he would do, guess I had it coming. I have 3 children 29,26,23, married for almost 30 yrs. living together, sleeping in same bed, no contact.
He speaks to me, I don't initiate a conversation. I went out last night didn't give him explanations, and came back like nothing, don't know if that is the right thing to do because of the abandonment he felt before from me. doesn't want me to hate him. Just today he said he had money so I can do my hair. I can't figure him out.
He started this behavior like probably 4 yrs ago which I totally ignored the signs of something going on bc I always told myself he wouldn't do that to me. he started texting her, she was going through some rough times also with a divorce, I guess one thing led to another. he would go over to her to do jobs,( he's a handyman) be with her mother and two daughters ( young girls). Right his instant, he went out and I know he went to see her. I know the signs.
SO you see I think I am so confused with his actions I don't know which route to take.
i've been here a few years, it's gotten me by some terrible years- just having the support and commaraderie of the people here.
i like aj's
Quote:
Hi P and welcome to the crappiest place to be. Or the best, depending how you look at it smile
it's true. i felt like you- i'm much better than initial devastation today - i do not cl aim total "cure" - it's tooo much junk to go into. i'm still "workin" on it all- trying to sort right down to the final common denominator- a hard thing for me to do . alot of other junk going on in my life.
just wanted to say hi, sorry you're here, good that you found it. read the books-
MLC people are working from a wacky perspective and it does seem like it's a type of "insanity" - my h followed the book, rewrote history, alot of things they describe that fit him to a "T". will he ever return to normal- who knows. he's "better" and nicer- still has ow tho and i guess doesn't think he loves me.
he doesn't let go ei ther tho, i'm a bit worn down by the uncertainty and longevity. so i'm going to not even drop my "junk" on your doorstep-
just know that even ifyou're 1/2 of it , the problems, so is he- and you can't fix him or what he feels. we probably can't even fully understand or know what they feel.
use this place to get info, get support, rant your head off and hang on. it'll get better - might take longer than you'd think you could ever stand- but then it's amazing what we all do stand and for how long and how STRONG we all really really are (inside) ....
it's true, hang on, cope by getting thru one day at a time for real- remind yourself frequently - - - you can always walk away tomorrow.....
