22 Years; He's Filed: Need Advice on Boundaries

[GoatGal]

Hello Everyone,

I am a lurker, having read many posts over the last two months which have been inspirational and very helpful. Thanks to you all for your experience and insight! I tried to post this intro a few weeks ago but I guess it got lost in the ozone...?

I just haven't had the energy to tell my story again and almost don't know where to start. (Plus, it sort of interferes with my "focus on myself" plan every time I go over the gory details.)

I have the books, DB/DR and have read them cover to cover more than once. (I went through three highlighters, in three colors, so I think I've got the basics down.) I have put into place everything I could and now--at day 45 of DB--I see a definite improvement in my interactions with my husband.

My situation is complicated in that there was not only a MOW at work over the last year, but a long term porn addiction/intimacy issue for him which caused him to build many walls between us over almost three decades together.

ED was an ongoing issue for him, beginning when we were first dating. Over time, it waxed and waned, but never really went away. (Long story there, details later if applicable.)

He survived a terrible childhood and has the "issues" to go with that. I accepted that about him unconditionally because they were not things that negatively impacted our marriage. (I thought) He never wanted to explore this aspect of himself. If I pushed, he retreated and I saw it was not going to help anything.

Now of course I see that's where we were destined to go wrong, but you know what they say about "hindsight being 20/20." This background info is in no way an excuse for his choices; just an explanation why I didn't react in a different way years ago. I had compassion for him and was willing to accept who he was, baggage and all. I accepted the good with the bad and I took my vows seriously.

But for that, he had ALL the qualities I wanted in a mate; loyal, loving, honest, treated me very well, lots in common, smart, accomplished, attractive to me, great voice, great hands...just a wonderful man who my family adored and who worked hard--showing his love for me in so many ways--even if our sexual relationship was not as satisfying as I would have liked.
I heard from everyone all the time how lucky I was! I like a lot of freedom; have many interests and never wanted to be joined at the hip like some couples. We had mutual interests as well and were very compatible. I thought I had it all.
He loved me and showed this in so many ways.
He supported me, also showing this through words and actions.
He gave me my freedom, because he trusted me... (rightfully so since I have never even so much as seriously flirted with another since marrying him over 22 years ago)...but now I see that his "Go out and have a great time, don't worry about coming home early!" was so he could spend the evening "indulging himself" online. In retrospect, I don't know how I missed this.
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Well....

I got the ILYBINILWY speech last spring, he said he'd find a marriage counselor for us to go to (never did) he "didn't think he'd ever loved me" ...the whole speech.
I asked about infidelity and he denied it. He said he was under a lot of stress at work, there are other stressors too, unrelated to our R, and I gave him the benefit of the doubt. I was upset, didn't understand what was happening, but he was unreachable and working LOTS OF LATE HOURS for crises at work...Yeah, right.

Fast forward to concrete proof of MOW in September 2013.
He had those cold shark eyes when he said.
"Oh. So I guess you know."
I threw him out then and there.

He was out, then back home, back and forth several times, all because I wanted him to go; I couldn't handle him being here. I was distraught, horrified.
He never wanted to leave, just wanted to "get along", but how could I be civil with him after what he did? Why did he even want to be here? He stated emphatically that he had no feelings for me, marrying me was a mistake he was finally strong enough to rectify...
I was devastated--sick, couldn't sleep. I felt the betrayal physically and lost 30 pounds I couldn't afford to... I was a wreck.

I had trusted him, never snooped, never EVER! I was betrayed to my core.
I felt so violated....
He did end the OW relationship the day after I caught him, pretty sure that's true, (I had spies) he went for STD testing, went transparent, gave me all his passwords, credit cards, GPS on his phone.
He basically agreed to EVERYTHING I ASKED---EXCEPT:

He would not say he loved me, or that he didn't love her, and the best he could offer was a half-hearted "let's see how it turns out" attitude towards our M. That wasn't good enough for me at the time. I wanted him to beg for my forgiveness, among other things.
I ran him through the ringer emotionally countless times until I finally ran out of venom to spew.
But not before he filed for Divorce; I think because to him it provided an escape from an intolerable situation.

I did everything wrong before I read DB/DS... now I see that I had an opening that I lost forever when he was amenable to trying to work things out.

My reaction to the PA discovery was so out of character for me. I said and did things I would have never imagined. I wanted him dead. I wanted her dead. It would have been easier. I could have lived the rest of my life believing he was the man I had relied on and loved all these years.
I felt the weight of all the years of MY sacrifice sexually--- for what? To have him cheat on me?

I felt that if anyone was justified in having an affair--it was me! I was livid.
How DARE HE! HE felt neglected sexually? Really? I felt I was the one who was turned away, tuned out, neglected, who made concessions....I wasn't perfect but he's saying he's been miserable for 22 years but never bothered to mention it? Is he some kind of Saint? Suffering in silence? I was in shock.

I wish I'd had DB info then!!!!
Even though my over-the-top reaction was completely justified, it drove him further from me.
(He can't handle conflict, strong emotion, vulnerability--that's the root of our whole problem.)

Well, I let it all hang out about his impotence, you name it. How we never had children, he stole the best years of my life, only to let me go through menopause to announce that he didn't love me, never loved me, and married me out of some type of obligation. ((???HUH???))) Saddled me with a mountain of debt, an unsustainable lifestyle, so many missed opportunities... I felt like our whole M was a lie.
I ran him into the ground verbally, emotionally. I regret being so cruel, but I was out of my mind. I am not a cruel person. He was shocked.

So after four months of crazy-making altercations,it comes to light that he has had an ongoing "preference" (his words) for satisfying himself solo rather than being intimate with me. He told me that IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY since before we met!
Yet, also according to his new script, our "boring" sex life was MY fault because he was "never attracted to me". ????
So why continue to go out with me when we first met, move in with me, marry me, live with me for almost 30 years? He had no answer.

And here I was settling for once a week/month or much less--- because he "doesn't like it in the morning/night/weekdays...". Are you kidding me???
He said the adultery was just because he "prefers shallow relationships and porn" for sexual satisfaction, that the A was just an escalation of fantasy into real life, "stupid, but it's what I wanted" he said....."Can you let it go NOW?" he said to me. "I am too old to change (60's) I don't want to change."
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So that's it.

He's still out of the house, divorce can't be finalized until he can prove we've been separated for two years.

Meanwhile, I am still a vibrant woman with needs that have gone unmet for so long because I believed in love and fidelity... and I fear I may have become dysfunctional because of this relationship. I hope not. But dating? I can't imagine being intimate with anyone ever again.

And... his MOW--they still work together.
And I am supposed to be (His words): "OK with it because we're getting a divorce anyway, so it doesn't matter." According to him, nothing matters because divorce is a "Get out of jail free" pass!

And of course he made comparisons between his MOW and myself to justify his actions which I only realized after the fact.
"SOME people are more SENSUAL than you are...." was in his list of complaints, along with:
1. I had four boxes of dishwasher powder (two for one coupons)
2. I had canvas shopping bags hanging by the front door--hey, I'm environmentally conscious!
3. I had rolling cart of toiletries. (We're remodeling and I don't have storage in the bathroom.)

That's the best he came up with about my "shortcomings".
No complaints, not a word about being unhappy, business as usual and less sex than usual but honestly I hardly noticed. Weeks, months...it snowballs. It was our life. I had made my peace with it years ago and really wasn't even angry.

So the betrayal was worse than the sex, as were the many lies. That he shared intimate details of our life, my personal struggles, with a stranger. He lied to me, to her--and really hurt us both, not that I have any sympathy for her.

The adultery went on for almost a year, while I, trusting fool that I am, took him at his word.
I since found all the incriminating evidence that proves it was a lot more that he'd let on---thousands of dollars, gifts, hotels---all the time he was treating me terribly and wouldn't say why he was so angry with me.

During that time, even though I didn't know about the A, I threatened to leave more than once because of the emotional abuse and he seemed just dandy with that. I didn't even recognize him, he was so cruel and I didn't understand why he was treating me as his enemy. I hadn't done anything to cause him to treat me that way. I was getting pretty fed up with the way he was treating me, that's for sure.

There is a lot more to this too, but let's just leave it at:
He could have lost his job, his home, his ability to earn a living by this inappropriate relationship.
He was highly involved, hundreds of phone calls/texts/expenses per month. It was like he was out of his mind. He became a monster to me.

And his "justification"? I wasn't "giving him" sex!!!!!
He felt he could righteously indulge himself on some level, after years of denying me.
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Fast forward to today.

He got angry when I told him to either come clean about ALL his secrets over the years (porn, sexual encounters, etc.) or "yes, then divorce is the only answer". He called a lawyer that day in December 2013, filed that week.

He filed the first time... let it lapse, I don't think his heart was in it, he just wanted me to stop confronting him...
(Mind-reading I know!) We'd had some big blow-ups about the porn thing, his denial, backpedaling, his new fancy laptop that I'm locked out of... not even about the OW, but about the PORN. I think that's the bigger issue for sure.

It was the day after another huge argument about the porn problem that he reinstated the divorce and had me served. At which point he asked if he can "just come home and have a quiet evening or are you going to be angry with me?"
I said no. "Get help, or get out" and he's been out since then, Feb. 2014.

I don't understand this behavior. I have stopped trying to figure it out because it makes no sense.

He says he wants a D but doesn't seem to have worked out all the long range implications...
He wants to live here--I guess pretending to be a single guy while enjoying whatever perks he feels still exist for him. That is not an option for me.

There is a whole lot more but as I said, I'm tired of the story.

I'm in therapy, have been since BD. He was seeing an IC, but quit after serving me. I guess because he figures D will solve all his "problems". In a sense, I guess that's true. Get rid of me and porn addiction/adultery will be a non-issue.

One thing I can say is that this hasn't diminished my self-esteem. I am not perfect and have plenty of things I need to work on, for myself or any R I might be in.
But I did not cause this and I can't fix it. I am addressing the few things he's mentioned over the years that bothered him, but there isn't much to go on. He had few complaints and I thought our marriage was pretty decent.

Still, I am working really hard on myself, the GAL, 180, all that.
I am being the best "me" I can be. It's a little sad because I pretty much always have been that way...he just stopped seeing me at all, stopped appreciating me, or loving me, I guess. He just built walls, and tuned me out... it was insidious and slow. I only now see how he accomplished this so completely.

I'm not sure I want this marriage unless he can do the work to finally deal with his issues. He has tried to blame me, but I'm not buying it. He and I both know what's really going on...but it's painful for him. I get it.

I am just focusing on myself and figuring out what I need to do next....

He is going to have to deal with his own baggage, or not.

The reason for DB is to calm things down enough to see if there is anything worth salvaging or not.
Although he has been a total chit for pretty much the last 2 years, prior to that he was a wonderful husband.
It is that man I am hoping will make a return, and who will make the choice to finally deal with his issues so he can be better. For himself, maybe with me, maybe not.

But I got married for keeps. I am not the type to give up on someone because they go through a crisis. However, I won't spend the rest of my life suffering for them either...

So... I'm on the fence and DB-ing my heiney off.
I have put a lot of blame on him for his decisions. I did not make him lie to me, keep secrets, cheat on me. But blaming him didn't help anything, as you all know.
Whatever I might have done in our M, there was nothing that could justify those choices.
Still, I am taking responsibility for my part in things in our overall R and working hard to identify and resolve the issues that I brought to the M.
I am continuing with therapy even though he is not.
It's for me, to be better, regardless of what happens with us.

And Divorce Busting--- IT DOES WORK!
I am far from having busted anything, but I can see a major improvement in our R so far. We are less tense, and are able to work together, not avoiding each other. There is more of a connection than there has been in awhile.

All in all, it's good.
And shifting the focus to myself and having a plan to work from has really helped ground me. I feel less at odds, more in control, measuring my baby steps and controlling myself and my thoughts.

It's not easy, but it has been worth it.

He is much better around me, no doubt because he is no longer terrified I'm going to rip him a new one every time he opens his mouth...

But I'm still angry, hurt, devastated, unsure of the future... and I have a lot of decisions to make.

I told him that although I didn't see D as any kind of solution, more like "out of the frying pan and into the fire", if that's what he really wanted then I couldn't stop him.
I did say I was going to take all the time the law allows to get my ducks in a row before I move/settle, etc.
That I wasn't going to make a knee jerk decision while in this state of mind and I needed to make sure I did what what best for me. He needed to do what was best for him... and my (private) hope is that with time and more DB-ing on my part he will be able to restore something in himself that he seems to have lost.
But I know that's up to him, not me. But it is my hope for him as someone I care for.

So I'm here, he's at a friend's indefinitely.
He wants to move back, into the basement....that's the part I'm going to need advice about, boundaries, etc.

I am very conflicted on that.

Enough for now....

---GoatGal

[sandi2]

So sorry for your pain. Glad you decided to join us. You need support. I am not for certain what MOW is. Married other woman?

I know you want him to apologize and make amends, stop cheating and using porn, etc. You want him to put forth some effort and claim you as his love. But so far, when given a choice.....he rather leave, file for D, than do the work.

So I think you have to decide where that leaves you. If he does none of the things you stated, then what do you plan to do?

Have you seen a lawyer to get legal advice about the steps to make, if needed? I would say that you need to be smart and protect yourself.

Do you have any relatives that live near by? Do you have good supporting friends?

Btw, what is your age?

[GoatGal]

Sorry, I thought I had that info posted in my signature.
I also see that my earlier post has showed up so I apologize for the double entries.

I am 54, he is 63
No kids, but a farm full of rescues.
Married 22 years, together almost 30.

(Now that I see my posts I'll try and straighten this out. I've been using my phone since my laptop died, trouble logging on, etc.)

I'll try and answer all questions here:

Someone did respond to my first posting and said that I seemed very angry and intent on punishing my H for all he's done, essentially putting all the blame on him.

I was being very honest when writing my intro to this board, even though it wasnt a pretty picture. I wanted to share my deepest feelings, one of the most intense being anger. I felt so betrayed; he was my best friend and the person I trusted the most. I am not an angry person normally but this experience brought out a side of me-- well, even he said "You've got to stop. This IS NOT WHO YOU ARE."

The ugly truth is, it was my reaction. I regret it now. I said things I wish I could take back. Things I would never have said because they were hurtful. But he was right. That's not who I am and when I finally got some perspective I did stop freaking out...

Also true that for several weeks there I wanted him to feel the whole destructive force of his actions, for him to be in as much pain as I was.

Now I see that he is suffering too, and although I still have my moments of frustration and disappointment, I keep this to myself.

Yes, I have an attorney and I have done everything I can at this point to make sure I am protected.

I have seen continued improvement in our interactions with smiling, laughing, some casual touches, working together. He comes by every day and all weekend to help on the farm, so I see him daily. We text back and forth all the time, always say "goodnight" to each other...

DB helped me a lot; giving me a focus outside of my pain and a "plan" to manage my actions. I set goals for myself and I'm making steady progress

MOW is "married other woman" with kids, still living with hubby.
I believe that's done.

I understand that he may never want to deal with his issues, and our marriage could end like this, with a big mess that both of us would prefer to forget.
But he is the only one who can make that choice.

I am not blameless in our marriage difficulties. I have tried to figure out what things bothered him but he never complained about anything until he started his affair and then everything I said, did, or didn't do was wrong.

I am working on improving those things about myself which probably need improving anyway, most are probably things he would appreciate.

I don't feel that I have to accept blame for his choice to be unfaithful, nor his abuse of pornography to the point where he no longer had interest in me, his wife.
The porn he kept hidden from me for almost three decades and he went to great lengths to make sure I never knew the extent of it.
I think that's one reason I was so angry.
It wasn't just an affair, it was discovering that during our entire marriage he had been lying to me and carrying an affair of sorts that stole whatever real intimacy we could have had.

I really felt like I'd discovered I'd married a serial killer or something. (Not really but you get the idea.) It was an entire hidden life of webcams and fancy computer stuff. He doesn't want to go to joint therapy, he had said he had concerns about telling me the truth, so I wonder how far it went. Maybe I don't want to know.
I found a lot of stuff on his computer early on, and I can't un-see it. I wish I could.

Finally everything made sense. I'd been thinking it was me.
I wasn't pretty enough, sexy enough... The whole thing.

So if my anger seems out of proportion, that's part of the reason.

Also because he pushed me further and further away so he could have time alone to do his thing... He paid very little attention to me and had lots of excuses. I felt neglected and lonely but didn't want to nag. He was under so much pressure at work---so I believed.
And yet he felt I was ignoring him, and that justified him having an extramarital relationship with a woman young enough to be his granddaughter.
(Irrelevant, I know but, yikes.)

I don't know what the future holds.
I love him; always have. Always will.
We have a great history.
But I see clearly that there are a lot of problems to overcome.

I don't want to go down without a fight. We both have a lot to lose.
But now that so much is out in the open, there would have to be huge changes. And I can only change myself.


Thanks for listening.
Sorry if my phone typing is all over the place..

[GoatGal]

Thanks Sandi,

No I don't have family close, but I do have wonderful friends and great support there.

They have been a lifesaver.

So for The "GAL"... I'm lucky, I had a good head start on that.

[Ggrass]

There are so many parts, that i nod and go uhuh!
I'm us plenty of other here as well. You saw a light at the end of the tunnel and never suspected it was a train. I didn't. I had confidence in the beginning as I thought the new woman was a stranger, not she had been around for some time. Now I'm not so sure, I'm just getting out and on with it. Not much else to do really.,

Everything I've said for at least 12months was wrong and awful. The worst of the worst.
He now tells me lies, and his actions in public show him wrong. Just watch the actions, they are the teller.

[GoatGal]

Hey All,

I was thinking last night about whether or not I should be taking some responsibility for my husband's choices to cheat and to lie to me about a problem he knew existed prior to our meeting, and one he said has caused him to do things which were destructive to our marriage over time.

I was not a perfect spouse.
But I wasn't so awful and deaf to his complaints that he had no other choice.

As I as, he was a wonderful husband. I was under the impression that things were good between us. I was happy.

I also wasn't aware that there was a side of him he kept hidden.
(And not because I would have been judgmental. More than once I tried to suggest getting help for his ED, as kindly as I could. He knew he could talk to me, that I wanted it to be better, and was open minded. But it's a difficult topic and I respected his desire to deal with it himself.)

There were many things he was better at doing in our relationship than I was. (I think of the Five Love Languages--I think we missed some cues for each other there.)
Those are the things I am working on improving in myself, for myself, for him, and for anyone else in my life.

I would have given him anything he wanted within reason. All he had to do was let me know he was unhappy, that there were things that were bothering him. I'm not a mindreader and we are told all the time not to try. He said he was happy, he acted happy... how was I supposed to know?

But I never drove him to another woman, or to porn, by being a prude, unavailable, condescending, or critical. He had plenty of other choices he could have made, except the hundreds of choices he made secretly to do what he did throughout our marriage.

If I can only change and work on myself, and I can't "make him" do anything, (like love me, or come back to our marriage), then I can't "make him" cheat, lie, or turn his back on me either.

Just to be clear, we're not talking about a guy who occasionally enjoys some porn... we're talking about someone who has had an overall preference for it, to a point where it seriously impacted his ability to be intimate in real relationships even prior to ours, and is now at a level where he prefers it to any real-life intimacy and is willing to divorce rather than give it up.
It's a real addiction, and he is every inch the addict.

So me being responsible for this is like a wife being responsible for her husband's alcoholism. He may say "You drive me to drink", but that's just his way of blaming her and giving himself an excuse.
But he doesn't need an excuse to drink...

Sorry if this sounds like a rant. I suppose it is, in a sense.
But I think a lot of folks don't get the nature of porn addiction. I'm on another board similar to this one where I'm getting support from wives in my situation and in the long term marriages, the stories are nearly identical.

My description of him, his history, and our shared history is just by way of background information. My initial post was setting the stage for what happened after and I tried to portray the events accurately so everyone would know how it went down.

I'm not proud of how I acted then.
I had an extreme stress reaction and lost 30 pounds in three months, threw up often, couldn't sleep--had to see a shrink to get an Rx for Valium... I was completely devastated and in a state of shock. Being kind to him wasn't on the top of my list at the time.

The ability to see him as a real person with flaws and who really didn't mean to hurt me; who was driven by things I can't comprehend and hurting me was only a side-effect, that clarity only came after I was able to get some distance from the situation with him out of the house.

I am still dealing with the aftermath, still too thin, too sleepless... but I am trying to keep my chin up, have some dignity, and bear the weight of it. There is no way around this--I have to go through it.
It's really, really hard. And terribly lonely.
The person I have always looked to as my source of comfort and protection is the source of my pain.
Yet I am responsible for alleviating my own suffering and through therapy and lots of self-help sources I am slowly achieving that goal.

I am a strong person and now I have other goals too, a plan, my GALing and 180s have helped a lot. DB has given me tools to get on track with something other than worrying about his every move and feeling like a victim.
I am detaching. Slowly. That's also really hard to do.

He and his behavior are no longer my focus now and haven't been for several weeks.

I'm working hard on "letting him go"...
Easier said than done.

I do hope--every day---that he will see that a life with me, our "kids", and all we have built is better than a lonely life in front of a computer screen, and maybe he will, but then again, maybe he won't.

But there is nothing wrong with having hope, as long as expectations aren't attached.
So it's "hope for the best, be prepared for the worst."

And it's another day.

Here I go again.

SMILE! ;--)

[GoatGal]

Here's my DBing Plan so far


The 180- Part One:
In the past he was big on phone calls, I liked to talk in person, text or email for base-touches during the day.
I am walking a fine line between not pursuing, yet being connected, receptive and available when he initiates. I tried going dim/dark several times over the last few months and he later said he thought I was angry. He didn't initiate at all, but responded almost immediately when I contacted him. With that in mind, I have initiated little communications throughout the day pretty regularly, which he responds well to. And he initiates as well about day-to-day things, mostly, but sometimes about his feelings and how he wishes he "could wash this all away". Big step for him.

Until today I have avoided the phone as much as possible; hearing his voice sometimes upsets me (like going to the grocery store and shopping as a single woman) because I love his voice and it is such a trigger to hear it on the phone.
He also stopped calling me over time.
So just now I bit the bullet and risked calling him....

He has done the lion's share of the physical labor on the farm because I have back problems which make doing certain chores difficult. I have good days and bad days. However, since he's been gone I've been trying not to show how bad my "bad" days are and have been doing a lot more, even though I've been feeling a lot worse. (Better living through Chemistry!) He has never complained about this, but it's something that I guess I could do more of, and frankly I've had little choice living here on my own.

So my first phone call to him in weeks was to offer to take over the farm chores tonight and give him a break, because...

Yesterday evening when we were working with the goats I saw he was irritable and although at first I assumed it was because of me (!) I decided to ask him about work and draw him out a bit on that. He ended up giving me an earful about a few issues going on, how tough it's been, changes in legislation, etc. He traditionally doesn't talk about work, saying once he gets home he wants to forget about it, why rehash it, and it just stresses him out more. I wonder if my acceptance of that somehow communicated to him that I wasn't interested. That was not/is not the case, so I figured I would try lending an ear.

So back to the phone call. After my heart was done pounding and he called me back, we had a nice conversation, he was really grateful that I offered to cover for him tonight, told me how it helps because he has to be at work extra early in the morning and he appreciates it.

I had to stop myself from feeling dejected/rejected when I started to end the call (first!) and there was no "I love you" like there has always been. Maybe that's the thing I was dreading about the phone. Not what I would hear, but what I wouldn't. I should have prepared myself better for that... and his tone at the end was awkward, almost like he felt weird not saying it. I think we both did. At least that's how the "goodbye" went. I didn't expect an "I love you", it was only after it didn't happen that I realized it was an unconscious expectation. Ugh. I'll do better next time.

All in all though, those three things worked out as planned. I will try more of the same and keep you posted.

[GoatGal]

Oh, and the "advice" I need specifically is about setting boundaries for him moving into the basement as he has consistently said he wants to do.

Most everything I've read so far suggests that we have a better chance if we're living together in some manner.
But I know for myself that if his plan is to behave as though he were already single, it will not be a healthy environment for me.
I don't know what he has in mind, really, that's a discussion I expect will be coming soon once the downstairs is fully habitable.

He has a legal right to be here, but I don't have a legal obligation to be OK with it.

I don't think I could handle knowing he was out "dating" right under my nose. I think it's disrespectful and if that's what he wants to do, then he should get his own place. He says being here is because it's too expensive to get his own place and he needs to be here for the animals... but then divorce is going to mean the exact same thing, and I've already said if that we end up divorced, I will probably move away.
(Too many memories here, family is elsewhere, I wouldn't choose to live in this area unless I was his wife, not likely I'll ever meet anyone else around here... a whole bunch of reasons.)

So I don't know how hard a line to take.

Then there's the porn thing. I know it's not something they can just wave a magic wand over and be A-OK, but I think I need to know that he's pursuing recovery and is not expecting me to live up here while he's visiting the Babes in Pornland all the time.

It's a bottom line thing.
I think the only way I could be OK with him living in the same house is if he will respect me as his wife. While we might not end up together, if he wants to act as though he is single then I think it's too much to ask of me to just say "Fine". Because I am not fine with it.

I guess I'd like to know what others think.

And as for the coaching sessions, I think that'd be great. But my H holds the purse strings. It would be hard explaining that amount of money...


---GG

[GoatGal]

Today was my therapist appointment.
Clearly she thinks I should have my head examined for "trying to cobble this thing back together".
I feel as though I need to explain that I'm not willing to hang up my marriage of 22 years...

On the upside, she is happy with my progress since BD. I can talk about the situation without bawling my eyes out, I've gained five pounds, not throwing up any more, setting and achieving goals for myself.

Supposedly my attitude is getting pretty healthy.

Yay!

After that I took myself out for lunch, was hit on by a young man, (nice boost), and chatted with other patrons and waitstaff. An enjoyable meal.


Afterwards I went to look at RVs and trailers. . I might be able to afford one. Just me and my dog. That'd be OK.
I have this idea that if I end up divorced I'll just be a hobo musician, "Have Gig, Will Travel".

(OFF the books, of course! : )

[GoatGal]

Yesterday I tried reaching out more via text, friendly but very open ended, and his responses were way better than I expected.
I think in our case going really dim is bad since it might seem like rejection.

(I was really mad at BD I told him how much I hated him, didn't want him around... Of course I regret this now but it was how I felt at the time. No doubt he probably believes I will always feel like that and I don't.)

So he has been hesitant to reach out to me.

I also realized that by going dim I was "testing" him and creating expectations which led to disappointment.
I would wait for him to initiate communication, he wouldn't, I'd start thinking all kinds of crazy reasons "why" that could be (basically nonsense, thinking back), ending up angry that he thought so little of me to find out if I was even alive.

I live in a rural area, travel at night on my own often for gigs, work with large animals and power tools during the day-- he knows the potential for serious injury and other problems is high...

I could be dead for days and no one would know; that's a fact.

But it is no longer his job to be my protector.

I have to let that go. It's hard.

To that end I am setting up other methods for check-ins with neighbors and friends.
Sometimes when my H does ask that I check in when I get home safely, that it's just because he worries that the animals would suffer...
But I push that thought back. Way back.
It stings though.

On the upside; I am actually HAPPY most of the time. I'm basically a happy person and I have a lot of things in my life that give me joy. I find joy in everyday stuff. Even with this situation, I have found a bright side. I am learning things about myself I would have never learned; found an internal strength I didn't know I had.
I've found wonderful supportive people in the most unlikely places and my pain and vulnerability allowed a connection that I don't think ever would have happened.
I've learned who my real friends are
I've learned that the things about myself that I value will not be diminished by this--they will be amplified.

He has given me a gift in the oddest way; he has forced me to re-evaluate what's important to me at this stage of my life, made me distill those things down to their basic essence.

I see much more clearly. I know I'll be fine no matter what.
There are hard times ahead, but I'm "in-training" for this marathon.

I guess this is the first phase of really detaching...

It's scary because part of me fears once I really detach, then I'll be like him.
No longer caring, no longer feeling love, just looking at him as someone I once made the center of my life.
That wouldn't be a bad thing if there was no chance of R.

But the nagging thought is that once I finally do "get over him" and completely let go, THAT'S when he'll want me back. And it will be too late.

Has anyone else had this conflict about how much to let go?