Spoue tried I didn't, now opposite #2

[Ggrass]

My first husband was a very angry man, he came from a very angry family. He was the meak one, but boy he made all kinds of threats.

When I left he threatened and made threats to others for years, about 5 or more. He was offered all the help before I left and after. I offered to help even after I was done, I went and saw his shrink for about 4 years in all sometimes weekly sometimes monthly so he would how to help and what was going on. The one thing missing in all that tho was him, he never wanted to stand up and face things. He gave up on life before our son was born, pretty much allowed circumstances to define him. The way his life has gone, was his choice. I didn't make great choices either, but it was leave or be dragged down.

The hardest bit will be starting, I promise you. If you start others will offer to help along the way. Simple.

[whytry]

Thanks Ggrass, Encouragement is greatly appreciated. My W used to be my biggest fan at first and to be honest we have lots of great memories. Now I'm making my own awesome times with the kiddos and loving every minute of it. I think it's making her bitter but our children seem to be jumping for joy that I'm getting closer to my old self. It's refreshing to see them smile from ear to ear!

[uRworthy]

Wt, good for you for making that doctor appointment. Not so sure why it wouldnt be good to be deemed healthy, though.

So, a couple of things. When you are as angry and depressed as long as you were, getting pulled out of your funk doesnt happen so quickly.

It's great that you are doing more with your kids. Great that you are feeling better. But you have a lot of work to do.

You need to figure out what brought you to where you were and why. You need to own the things you did or didnt do.

Not for your wife, but for you.

Your children need you to be the best you that you can be. You need that for you, too.

Be careful not to try to determine how or what your wife feels (the bitter comment).

I know that you understand that she may be feeling a lot of things because of all the years you have described. And you have said you can understand why she does.

The thing is this. This is your journey. Its a tough one for a lot of reasons.

If you decide to continue to dig deep and do the work, it can be an amazing one.

So, continue to keep the focus on you and your children. Contine to search inside to figure out how you got here. Determine who you want to be and be him everyday.

This is an incredible opportunity to become your best self. Dont give it away. Its too important.

[MrCAS]

WT... The lack of desire to keep doing what you liked is a sign of depression...

Why will you be disappointed in finding out you are healthy?

You should really look into getting some professional counseling, as well. I always thought that it was just psychobabble... I was incredibly mistaken.

My psychologist down South helped me incredibly as did working with my Pastor. There just things you can not fix yourself.

[JFun51]

This is an incredible opportunity to become your best self. Dont give it away. Its too important.

^^^^^That is the bottom line wt. Do not let this opportunity pass you by. You will reach a point where you truly understand that this journey you are on has nothing to do with your W.

Don't be afraid to admit to yourself who you are. Don't be afraid to admit to yourself what you have done. Once you accept who you are, the hard part begins.

How did you become this man?

What experiences in your life molded you into him?

Whose example are you following?

And don't be shy about it. You and only you know the truth about who you are and what life experiences have made you. Mach1 always talks about digging weeds. Roll your sleeves up and go to work on the parts you don't like about yourself. That doesn't mean push them down and suppress them. That means get in there and find out how that ugly crap got there to begin with. Understand the source. Crush it. Then move on.

There is incredible wisdom being presented to you by awesome folks here. Do the work and you will never be sorry.

[whytry]

uRworthy,
The downer comment was bad sarcasm...sorry.

You are right, getting out of my "funk" will take time. W commented in January about positive changes and how much they meant to her and kids so I kinda been using that as reference to what I was doing, how I felt, etc. What I've found researching is a person will see some massive changes then plateau off while they keep learning/experiencing themselves. Was described similar to losing weight....a person with lots of weight to lose can make small changes with great payback, but then has to work harder at middle until end to finish their final goals. I'm guessing months to years in my case.

Kiddos and I have found out how much fun "chores" are. I quit loading dishes in dishwasher cuz when I wash by hand, kiddos come help out and we get to hang out together. Same with laundry and cooking supper. It brings me self value and I get lots of time with our children W misses out on. Oh well, it's for me and worth every minute!

Oh the bitter comment was me being snarky. Yea, I should have been the guy I'm becoming years ago. Honestly, it hurts me to know this guy would have made her fairytale come true, but instead she'll only remember the bad.

Thanks for the feedback. It's always helpful for me to see y'alls perspective and learn from the experience you have gained in this.

[whytry]

WT... The lack of desire to keep doing what you liked is a sign of depression...

Why will you be disappointed in finding out you are healthy?

You should really look into getting some professional counseling, as well. I always thought that it was just psychobabble... I was incredibly mistaken.

I have looked at some ways to find counseling locally. One I may can afford in a couple months.

My psychologist down South helped me incredibly as did working with my Pastor. There just things you can not fix yourself.

I'm still working with my pastor as well. He really is laying it on the line bluntly like you guys. Probably cuz he know me somewhat closer. Not sugar coating it is better for my personality

[whytry]

Thanks JF. Yes I started this journey only wanting to save M which is probably why everyone started here. And as all others, I learned the "I actually have to fix me first" model of the group. That took a couple weeks to sink in!

How did you become this man?
What experiences in your life molded you into him?
Whose example are you following?

I ask these questions not every day but close....TBH, the answer isn't the same each time either. Normal? IDK.

Please stop by any time. I am finding most people on this forum to be very helpful and I don't want any stone unturned (why I finally broke down about dr. appt).

End result-best man I can be for kiddos and myself, awesome....W benefits, cool....M saved, BONUS!

[JFun51]

I have read back through your posts and keep seeing the recurring theme of anger. One of your posts that really struck me was when you talked about not going out and doing fun things with W and kids because they would enjoy themselves better without you. I am assuming this became the norm for your family?

I know the feeling. In my sitch, I worked and kids were with W all the time. She carried them to and from school. She made all the parent-teacher conferences. She was uber involved. I always felt alienated and left on an island in my own family. Resentment grew because I worked my a$$ off to provide a life for her that she desired. W would take the kids to do things and many times I couldn't go because of my schedule or just was disinterested. I was sullen and moody pretty regularly. W and I never really argued, we just didn't communicate at all. All of the above is recipe for disaster.

I wanted everyone to be involved in my life. My experiences. Plain old selfishness. Plain old resentment because they got to have fun all the time while I was working my butt off to provide for them and take care of the house. That made JF a dull boy.

Saying all that, I know that I did what I thought was right at the time. I didn't know any better. We didn't fight, because I am not a child of conflict and just don't do it. I knew that I didn't like the state of our M for years before BD. I didn't know how to communicate properly what was wrong without creating a dispute. so I let it all go on.

And the part that all of us cannot forget is that our spouses let it go on as well. They didn't know any better either. No finger pointing and no placing blame, its just the truth. We never had the tools to do any better than we were.

Own your faults and shortcomings. Really own them. This crap is tough, man. It really is. You will find out stuff about yourself that will bring you to your knees. But you have to be willing to let it happen and really face your demons.

There will be anger, pain, regret, sorrow, frustration. Each one of these has their place in your journey. Each one will serve you as well. Don't be afraid of any of it. You will not be sorry. Dig deep and face all of it. And I am here to tell you, some of it isn't pretty. If you aren't down right ashamed of yourself at times, you aren't even close.

Sell out to the process of becoming a better man. You will be happy, your kids will be happy, and your W will be happy. Marriage? Divorce? Separation? Don't fear any of them.

[whytry]

I am assuming this became the norm for your family?

Yes JF, our family moved further apart from my anger and I usually stayed behind.

Plain old resentment because they got to have fun all the time while I was working my butt off to provide for them

You betcha. Mostly why we fought. I felt I was the only one caring about bills and carrying the financial load.

You described close to our last 5-6 years of M. Working 7 days a week (mostly 12hr shifts) really wears on ya. I should've been smarter to know what was going on, all the warning signs were there, and in-laws kept reiterating it to W. I never invited my family into our struggles by being too proud to admit I couldn't handle it.