Husband walked out

[T384]

Hi all. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I will try to condense as much as possible.

My husband and I have been together just shy of 10 years with 2 young boys. We have always had a pretty good relationship with the exception of our ever 6-12 month fights. Husband has never moved out or mentioned the D word in any of these arguments. 9 weeks ago he went to work and never came home. He said he needed a couple days because he was unhappy and didn't know what would make him happy but didn't want to meet and talk to me because he didn't want to make a rash decision. Well I cried and said I didn't want him to leave our family let's fix this blah blah

He moved in with his boss and boss family. Refused to meet me ever. Went to counseling once and refused to go back with me. He went individually twice saying he had issues he needed to work on but all the sudden stopped going and shut everyone out. Cut off his family and close friends. Barely sees our boys unless I'm not there because he doesn't want to see me. We finally met after him being gone for 7 weeks. Everything was fine. He talked normal at the end we hugged and he said he didn't know what he wanted but he still loved me and had a lot of thinking to do. Well I found out (online ) he filed for divorce a week after we met. He still hasn't told me all his stuff is still at the house and he's still living with his boss. Who by the way he and his wife have more than involved themselves in this relationship. They have told my husand I have said things that have never been said that are ridiculous.

He has lost about 30 lbs and he did not have any weight to lose. When we talked this last weekend which is few and far between. He just is so angry with me. Saying all we do is argue. It took him leaving the house to see that I was what was unhappy in his life. I just don't get it. I never saw any of this coming. He just had a contractor come over to get a quote on adding on our house. He made valentines day plans days before leaving. He slept next to me every night. I'm having such a hard time accepting this divorce when I don't understand why our family isn't worth fighting for. I feel so sad for our boys.

[T384]

Any advice

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Get out and GAL.

DETACH.

Believe none of what he says and half of what he does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

Your H is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power
___________________

[Georgiabelle]

Hi TO,

I'm so sorry you find yourself here. However, this board is wealth of information and support. Please read over Cadet's links and remember that knowledge is power.

Make sure you and your boys are protected financially. Also, focus on you and your kids. Do things that will make you happy with your h or without. This is important because life doesn't and should not stop for you and your kids. I know it is very painful, however, focus on living every day to the fullest.

A word of advice, definitely believe none of what they say. That can be most challenging if your h was very honest and moral prior to this. However, this is pertinent in detaching (IMHO).

Hang in there:)

[T384]

He filed for divorce he hasn't told me he only told me he was going to meet with an attorney but I saw online that he filed. I will be getting served any day now.

[AnotherStander]

We have always had a pretty good relationship with the exception of our ever 6-12 month fights.

Some counselors claim that infrequent fights like this are actually healthy for the marriage. My W and I almost never fought, maybe once every 4 or 5 years. And we're divorced now. So don't assume the fighting is the problem!

He said he needed a couple days because he was unhappy and didn't know what would make him happy but didn't want to meet and talk to me because he didn't want to make a rash decision.

That is really the bottom line right there. Most WAS's are "unhappy". Often they don't know why, so they end up blaming all their unhappiness on the LBS. That's why one of the cornerstones of DB'ing is to leave them the heck alone, because if you can remove yourself from the equation they will eventually learn that it is not the LBS making them unhappy, and then they have to go about the difficult process of figuring out how they can be happy again. Happiness comes from within, but WAS's think it's a "thing" that they must actively seek.

Refused to meet me ever

Honor his wish.

Went to counseling once and refused to go back with me.

Good. MC is a terrible idea with a WAS, it just pushes them out the door.

but all the sudden stopped going and shut everyone out. Cut off his family and close friends. Barely sees our boys unless I'm not there because he doesn't want to see me.

Fairly typical WAS actions. Give him the time and space he's asking for.

Who by the way he and his wife have more than involved themselves in this relationship. They have told my husand I have said things that have never been said that are ridiculous.

But you really don't know what they said, do you? Sounds like either some snooping or mind-reading going on there, and neither are going to serve you well. One of the guys here (Denver) found out after he reconciled that the people he thought were his W's worst enablers were actually trying to convince her to work on the M. Bottom line- you don't know what people are actually telling your H.

He has lost about 30 lbs and he did not have any weight to lose.

What does that tell you? He's hurting, he's in pain, this is very difficult for him. You can't help him or fix him though. Leave him to his journey.

When we talked this last weekend which is few and far between. He just is so angry with me. Saying all we do is argue.

Listen and validate. "I can tell how angry you are, and how frustrated you were that we argued. I understand why you feel that way." Don't reason/ beg/ plead/ negotiate/ argue. Just validate.

[T384]

Thank you for your response. I am trying to figure out the best way to handle this for him to realize what he's doing and atleast try to work on this. However I am losing hope now that I know he has filed for divorce.

[T384]

Well I was served last night. I guess it's time to start accepting it's over. I have left him alone and I don't ever hear from him unless it's about the boys. I am so devastated for my family

[lost18]

So sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how devastated you must feel. Some wise people on here told me to accept where your H is right now and move forward with your life. Take care of yourself and your boys.

However, that does not mean you do not have to give up on your M. It's not over unless you don't want it anymore or you give up.

Hang in there.

[woundedfool]

Have you read DR or DB?