Sorry the job thing is still not resolved. Not sure if you are interested in pursuing a FED position, but in case you are HUD is in the middle of a huge hiring spree. The Department has gone a couple of years without filling a lot of positions and is hoping to finally hire close to 800 nationwide by the end of September with many of them here in DC.
If nothing comes through this summer, another stop gap option in the fall is to apply to be a substitute teacher. In most school districts all that is needed is a college degree and then passing a background check. Just a thought.
Thanks BA! I've thought about sub teaching too. I sure hope I have something permanent lined up before fall though. I also know a couple of other individuals who might be very interested in HUD. Go through the website or what do you recommend?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Best bet is to use the website USAJOBS and search based on Agency (Dept of Housing and Urban Development) if HUD is the interest. Or search by job type for all agencies. The USAJOBs has a pretty good search feature so you can tailor your search based on a variety of parameters. If there is something specific you (or they) are interested shoot me a message and I'll keep a lookout as well.
(tangent alert) Betsey's statement about her estate experience rings true with me. I've had to do that a couple of times on a much smaller scale and I also go to estate sales. These experiences have helped me pare down to surrounding myself with what's beautiful and functional.
I also recently really cleared out my closet and have it pared down to about 50 pieces. (not counting shoes) Anybody here familiar with the 30/30 plan? I couldn't go that far, yet, but it certainly simplifies life.
I now recognize that I was a stress shopper, not a hoarder but a binge-r/purger.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Was trying to figure out how to be in two places at once this weekend as a baby shower I'd like to attend conflicts with getting S16 early to lacrosse tournament in Annapolis. I already had arranged a potential ride with a friend. On the 20 minute ride from practice just now, I brought up the subject with S16. He immediately said "I'm not riding with dad."
I was about to explain that I didn't mean that and I had already lined up--- but I backed up and asked him about that statement instead and got a lot a lot of response.
S16 said H had been texting him like 20 messages in a row and he started reading them to me. It was annoying, then insulting, then almost funny. It was a complete firebomb of texts. It started out asking for S16's GPA for the insurance discount. S16 doesn't know because he's in the middle of finals. H said figure it out. S16 said he didn't have all the info. H said it's not hard do you know what an average is (at this point he's starting to use all caps). H followed this up with several other rapid fire additions such as look at one semester, it doesn't have to be up to the minute, I don't know what-all more but it was absurd. Then H said he'd come out to change the brake pads, S said he knew how to do it and didn't need help, and I won't repeat the whole next argument they got in. All via text message. S told H he would not change the pads or do anything with H because he is an assh*le.
Wow that was more talking than S16 has done in a long time.
I said I was really sorry H was acting like that, and I understood exactly how it felt, having been on the receiving end of that behavior myself.
I said I happened to know, and maybe H didn't explain, that H was probably stressed out trying to fill out the insurance form and needed the number to put in the blank, and was getting more and more stressed because he wasn't getting what he needed at the moment. S16 said well if he would have explained that it would have made it easier to know what he wanted, and plus he didn't want to be spoken to like that anyway.
I agreed that he shouldn't have to. I commended him for standing up for himself, though I said I would have used more explanatory words myself and avoided the word assh*le. S said "he knows what I meant because he knows what assh*le means and he knows he was being one."
I said I was sad for H, because he is and has taken out his stress on people around him such as me and S16 and that's not fair, and it makes people mad and not want to be around him. S said he doesn't ever want to be around H. I said that's your choice. It's sad for H but it's also not ok for him to treat you like that. I said I had hope for people to change, that I felt H had some good qualities when he was not under stress, and that I had some hope for him to be different in the future. I said, so I like to think he's BEing an assh*le instead of he IS one. S16 said "he's been one for the past 10 years. I don't ever want to be around him and I don't want to be like him."
I said personally I didn't see that much of this stuff in S16, I said "I think you're pretty chill most of the time." I said, I think H, though he doesn't talk about his dad, I think he might have been treated exactly this way by his dad and just doesn't know a better way. S16 said that's why I want to stay away from him, I don't want to ever be like that.
I said, I'm sorry, he was great when I met him, or maybe I didn't know better. My dad was pretty controlling so controlling seemed normal to me. H was a lot of fun back then.
I settled it with him that he'll ride with his teammate. He said a couple of times I don't have to go to the tournament. He said "I play because it's fun, it doesn't matter if you don't go." I said I watch because that's fun for me so I'll go anyway, but I'm glad you play for fun. (Now I'm wondering if he would rather I not go and was trying not to hurt my feelings but get me to back off...he did say it twice. I said I thought there might be some I would miss so when I can I like to go.)
I said I was expecting the conversation to go somewhere else when he gave H the GPA (I figured H will have a problem with it whatever it is.) S said, it's fine, it's like a 3.1 and you have to be above 3.0. (now I'm laughing because I just now realized after alllllll that, that darn kid knows what his GPA is just fine.)
Sidenote, I worry a little about the GPA thing but S prefers to be independent and not have me helicoptering around him. He needs to get into the college that is right for him, and that's going to be the one that accepts the grades he has gotten. We had a conversation this week about whether a C is a good grade (I said to me it's not and S said it's AVERAGE and that's good).
son behind back brb
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I'm reading this and nodding in understanding. My ex behaves EXACTLY the same way. Out of control. Everything is all about him. He is not polite. He is not respectful. He flies off the handle at the slightest provocation. And everyone avoids him. Sad but true.
It is good that your son is telling you. And making his own choices about his R with his dad and setting his own boundaries.
I thought after all the drama of our split - my ex would finally settle down and become someone I could at least co-parent with. But sadly - he has not improved with age. We limit our conversations to a few lines of text about visitation a few times a year. And at least once a year he flips out about something minor despite the fact he does nothing to help with our disabled son. It is not fun!
The only thing you can really do is listen to and support your son. Be there for him. It is good that he recognizes that he does not want to behave like his dad.
I left out more that I can remember. I said a couple of times that getting some distance at times like this is good. I said I've been text bombed like that and just shut my phone off to get some space.
I said after you get some distance and things settle down you can maybe see what's good or what was reasonable. For example, H does know a lot about fixing brakes and it seems reasonable that he'd feel a comfort level about being involved in getting them done. S said "I have friends that take auto shop in school and I've done a lot of brakes and know what I'm doing as much as he does." I was like, wow, well that's impressive and I did not know that before, and dad probably didn't either. I suggested that I hoped and I know H hoped that he could spend time together so maybe doing the brake pads--- S said no I'm not going to, and also H continued the text conversation by saying he was going to go ahead and do it himself without S16 because he needed to be in charge as a safety issue.
I go back and forth on whether it's necessary to journal every detail I can remember. Some people write every bit of back and forth and I sit here and think they are mired in the details and that's making it harder for them to make progress by seeing and processing the bigger picture. For me, I have trouble remembering details and then I fill in with what I think I remember and then I'm making stuff up. So if I capture it as accurately as I can, then I have a better chance of seeing it accurately from a different perspective later on. So I'm not trying to fixate on what a rotten H or anything, just trying to get a good snapshot of what my son is really saying and feeling right now and what I've said so far in response. I'm trying not to lead the attack on H, I feel pretty bad that there is anything to attack, but S is really really mad and hurt. I wish I could make it better but he's almost a grownup himself and learning to handle stuff and talk about it is great, it's what he needs to learn.
I think it's like the book How to Talk so your kid will listen and listen so they will talk (which I know isn't exactly the right title but close), they say teens need less to hear what you have to say and they need more to be listened to with the faith that you know they have a good head on their shoulders and can figure stuff out.
That may be so but I'd trade all this life-lesson cr*p for one great Dr Oz dad for my kids. I see a guy around who seems like a nice guy and he blended a family with a total of close to 10 kids, most of them schoolage, and he's a strong leader and a fun guy and involved in the kids' activities, and I kept thinking in the back of my mind, wow, what kind of a guy signs up for THAT? and where do I find one of those? lol
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Some more. I was aware as I was suggesting it, that it is MY way to look for ways to fix, tolerate, forgive, get back to solid ground. It is very disruptive for me to be in conflict with someone and I just want to make it peaceful, and will sacrifice my own comfort or needs or rights to make it so. That's a pattern from childhood, me the peacemaker who feels for everyone else but not herself, because I'm so strong and capable and healthy that I'll carry everyone. I felt that way growing up, and I felt that way as a parent of kids. Not saying it's a good way to be, but it's where I was coming from making that suggestion to S16.
I would have liked him to say, yeah mom I see what you mean, I can get myself some distance and when I feel better I'll make an overture to dad. I'll do the brake pads with him and we'll bond and he'll feel ok, and he'll like me better. I know he'll probably yell at me a lot when we do the brake pads together too, but I can handle it, I'll just be real quiet until he calms down. He'll act like nothing happened and so I will too.
That is what I would have done. And playing it out in my mind, it is not at all what I want S16 to do. I don't know what kind of a relationship he'll carve out with his dad, but I do not feel competent to guide him in creating it. I didn't do it very well myself.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I left out more that I can remember. I said a couple of times that getting some distance at times like this is good. I said I've been text bombed like that and just shut my phone off to get some space.
I said after you get some distance and things settle down you can maybe see what's good or what was reasonable. For example, H does know a lot about fixing brakes and it seems reasonable that he'd feel a comfort level about being involved in getting them done. S said "I have friends that take auto shop in school and I've done a lot of brakes and know what I'm doing as much as he does." I was like, wow, well that's impressive and I did not know that before, and dad probably didn't either. I suggested that I hoped and I know H hoped that he could spend time together so maybe doing the brake pads--- S said no I'm not going to, and also H continued the text conversation by saying he was going to go ahead and do it himself without S16 because he needed to be in charge as a safety issue.
I go back and forth on whether it's necessary to journal every detail I can remember. Some people write every bit of back and forth and I sit here and think they are mired in the details and that's making it harder for them to make progress by seeing and processing the bigger picture. For me, I have trouble remembering details and then I fill in with what I think I remember and then I'm making stuff up. So if I capture it as accurately as I can, then I have a better chance of seeing it accurately from a different perspective later on. So I'm not trying to fixate on what a rotten H or anything, just trying to get a good snapshot of what my son is really saying and feeling right now and what I've said so far in response. I'm trying not to lead the attack on H, I feel pretty bad that there is anything to attack, but S is really really mad and hurt. I wish I could make it better but he's almost a grownup himself and learning to handle stuff and talk about it is great, it's what he needs to learn.
I think it's like the book How to Talk so your kid will listen and listen so they will talk (which I know isn't exactly the right title but close), they say teens need less to hear what you have to say and they need more to be listened to with the faith that you know they have a good head on their shoulders and can figure stuff out.
That may be so but I'd trade all this life-lesson cr*p for one great Dr Oz dad for my kids. I see a guy around who seems like a nice guy and he blended a family with a total of close to 10 kids, most of them schoolage, and he's a strong leader and a fun guy and involved in the kids' activities, and I kept thinking in the back of my mind, wow, what kind of a guy signs up for THAT? and where do I find one of those? lol
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
