Figured I should post some type of quick (I'll try!) recap to avoid having to read my previous thread...
Separation began 10/2013 with W staying at a friend's house 3 days a week and me at my parents the other 4. Kids stay at the house full time. I decided to move back to the house full time in Feb. W was not happy and continues to be upset that I made the decision without consulting her. Since then, she's continued her living arrangement schedule, so we are both at the house Thurs evening- Mon morning, then she leaves.
OM- was an EA to start with. W insisting they were just friends, he had feelings for her, but she wasn't sure she felt the same way, etc. After confronting W in late Dec about some frequent cell phone calls I saw, the communication between the two seemed to dwindle to every 3-4 weeks. I thought that meant the A was ending. Instead, I discovered a couple weeks back that it had not. W confessed that they talk over skype every 3-4 days, have been on dates and have 'made out' a few times. When I exposed what I had discovered to W, I told her she needed to choose and that I would not be a part of this triangle.
Last weekend, she said she was going to 'give it a shot this weekend' and we've gone out for drinks and dinner a couple times since. No R talk though. We seem to get along pretty well, but I don't know the current status of her 'trying'. She talks about doing things around our house this summer, but at the same time, I also saw a schedule she had made this weekend on who would have the kids when this summer and even next school year. Left the house this morning asking if she had interest in staying this week and her response was 'No, I don't know, we'll talk about it later.'
Sounds like she is still conflicted but at least considering. Don't fall back into trying to mind read. Continue being the best you you can be. If you let mind reading get in the way it will just show. You control you...leave it at that and the rest up to her.
M: 43 W: 43 Married 6 yrs. T: 7 yrs. Son 20, 18, 17, 15 yrs. (w/ Autism), 12, 10
Your doing great Tarheel, small steps in the right direction
No matter what happens keep DB as it will make YOU a stronger person & will take you to a place that you'll be able to deal with whatever the outcome of your M.
Keep posting!
Divorce Final: Oct 2014
Your struggles today, develop strength for tomorrow...
W left today to head back to her friend's house for the week and before she left I asked if she'd be up for a drink tonight. My intent was for us to be able to discuss her vague 'trying' comment from last weekend. I shouldn't have even brought it up, but I feel like if she truly wants to try, we need to talk about what all that involves (for both of us). Her response was 'no' and basically that she felt like she had 'too much' of me this weekend and needed a break. We did spend quite a bit of time together. I enjoyed the past few days and I got the sense that she did too, but she says that I have too many expectations right now. As much as I tell myself I don't, maybe I do. I'm just running out of patience not knowing which direction we're headed. Scaring the squirrel away I guess.
I'm conflicted as to what my next step is- do I continue letting her figure things out while most likely in contact with OM? Or do I take similar action to what Upwards did and basically tell W that I can't be her friend right now while she's in contact with him? I know I'll be told to take a stand and do what I want to do, but I worry that what I want to do right now won't help me get a relationship with my W (my ultimate goal). I don't want her talking to him and it eats at me daily, but I also fear that she would choose to be apart right now if I told her that friendship with me involved no OM contact.
I would say if you push to hard you will push her away. Sit back, take a deep breath, and slow down. I have heard the same thing from my wife. I find the more I expect and build up my hopes I tend to start to do what you are doing. All it does is push her away.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Confronting your W did nothing more than expose you. It let her know that you know about the A........but also that there is nothing you can do about it (unless you decide to get tougher). You wanted it to shock her awake, so that is what you thought you saw over the weekend.
It didn't wake her up, it just exposed your hand. It makes it worse, actually, to let her know that you know....and do nothing about it. That is why I tried to get you not to confront, and thinking it would stop the A or fix anything.
I think she could see through you just like I could see through my H. It was in your eyes. Instead of backing way off after the confrontation, appetites you some crumbs and you gobbled it up. Your expectations of getting back together were written all over your face. She saw it and wasn't ready. It would have been difficult for you not to have gotten your hopes up and read more into her actions than were really there.
She won't be ready till she gets over OM. I wish it was as easy as having a couple of drinks and talking, and it probably is for you........but not her. It is much more complexed for her.
Now she believes she gave it shot over the weekend and had all she could stand. If you don't go into the LRT, you won't be able to draw her closer to you.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I've been following your comments on Zew's thread as well as he seems to be in a similar position. I've continued to not reach out, text, call, etc W unless absolutely necessary (ex- kids). She and the kids are headed out of town tomorrow afternoon til Sunday, so I won't be in contact with her this weekend. Two or three times in the past couple weeks I've told W that I won't wait around for her and that she needs to decide soon. I don't know what my internal deadline is and haven't given her a set deadline, but I feel like something has to happen here in the next couple mos.
Do I reach out and ask W if she's made a decision to end A yet? Or have I made that clear to her and need to give it a bit more time? I realize now that I should have backed off after confronting her as opposed to accepting her gestures/kindness (crumbs).
I've probably been interchanging the 2 terms. Maybe because I think a boundary to me (ex- end OM contact) comes across as an ultimatum to her.
I'm really feeling like I need to reach out to her tonight (email?)and ask if she's in a position to end OM contact. Not sure I'm prepared for the response though.
