Take these broken wings and learn to fly...

[chasingpavements]

Moving over here from the piecing forum...

Link to previous thread:
Learning from yesterday, Living for today!


"Blackbird"

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
~
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these sunken eyes and learn to see
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to be free.
~
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
~
Blackbird fly Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.
~
Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise
You were only waiting for this moment to arise.
-The Beatles

[chasingpavements]

I am no longer in piecing so I thought I would move back over to here again!

Long story short, We have been married 8 years, with 3 young children. Got "no longer love you" bomb drop on Valentines day 2013. Since then, had MC for 3 months, lived in "limbo" over the summer, which ended with H moving out in the fall.

Then, he came to me saying he wanted to work on things again, that he was sure this time, and 100% committed. And his heart was into trying this time, and things would be different. And that we would leave our old marriage behind and start fresh.

The plan was to slowly wean him back into moving into the house again, and just date in the meantime, and do some counseling, and work on our marriage. It started out well. But come the new year he was pulling away again, becoming more distant.

On Valentines day, AGAIN, this year, he told me he didn't want to work on things anymore and he moved out. He is now renting a townhouse, and we are splitting custody of the kids 50/50.

I have consulted with a lawyer and we are starting a separation agreement. We have been butting heads over a lot of things lately, it seems. We can't seem to agree about much and just dealing with him has been causing me anxiety. I have been on stress leave at work since we separated. Dealing with all of this lawyer stuff, and all the separation details, is just causing me so much physical anxiety, heaving feeling in my chest all the time, can't sleep well, not always eating a lot, waking up at 4:00 every single morning! And I just don't have motivation to get out and do things.

Thanks for listening all, I will post more details shortly.

-CP

[kml]

On Valentines day, AGAIN, this year, he told me he didn't want to work on things anymore and he moved out.

My old thread title used to be called "Valentines Day Massacre"!

I, too, had a successful reconciliation (ours lasted several years) only to have my ex go off the deep end again and we ended up divorced.

So let me offer up a few thoughts based on my experience:

1) LET GO OR BE DRAGGED! A lot of the physical stuff you are experiencing now will go away once you ACCEPT that this is happening and start to look forward. My hair was falling out in fistfuls until I decided my ex was NOT worth losing my hair over. Once I actually accepted that we WERE getting divorced, and he'd been out of the house for a couple of months, I started to notice how NICE it was, not walking on eggshells around him all the time, trying to fix his unhappiness. Look for the silver linings in these clouds - I guarantee you, there are some.

2) Pick something big outside your marriage/divorce to focus on. I took up learning to play the drums (at 52!). Now, 5 years later, I play drums in a pop-punk cover band, and have just returned from performing (playing vibraphone) at SXSW in a friend's band. (For those who don't know, South By Southwest is a HUGE music festival/music industry conference in Austin, TX). Dream big! Set a goal and go for it.

3) Your MLCer is hoping for the "zipless divorce" - no effort required on his part, you will give him everything and just go merrily on your way. They can get nasty when the rude reality of divorce intrudes on this fantasy. One thing that my ex repeated to me (which was very good advice given to him) was that if we BOTH were unhappy with the outcome of the negotiations, it was probably a pretty fair result! You can calmly remind him that neither of you will get everything you want, and that you just want to reach a fair settlement. Get a good attorney who will give you a realistic idea of what you might win in court, and ask for a little more than that so you have some negotiating room.

4) Try not to put your life on hold. With three young children, I know this process must be hard. For me at this point, I finally knew that, even if my H DID come back, there was no way I could trust him again. And I had peace in my heart that I had done everything in my power to save the marriage. Now, it wouldn't be right for most people, but for me, dating again at this point was very healing. At least make social plans to get yourself out and about when he has the kids.

5) Get good financial advice. Some of the decisions you are making now financially will have long-term consequences. Remember that you pay the taxes on alimony. A lump sum settlement may be more favorable if he has assets to pay it.

6) Get exercise, watch funny movies (I highly recommend streaming She Devil on netflix with Roseanne Barr), eat well, spend time with good friends who can support you.

7) There is life after divorce! I found that even as a middle-aged woman, many (handsome, younger) men found me very attractive! In fact, every single man I dated couldn't figure out why on earth my husband would have left me! I am now dating an extremely handsome, kind, loving man 7 years my junior who treats me like gold.

[ForeverYoung]

Wow, that must be really tough to deal with CP, especially after you thought things were looking up. And to get re-bombed on V-day to boot really stinks.

I’m sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time of it… I hope you take KML’s great advice above to heart. Also maybe consider seeing your doctor for some help, as it sounds like you may be dealing with a bit of depression.

Wishing you better days... you can do this.

[willbwell]

CP, I too would advise talking to a dr. I initially did not want to take an AD. Once I did, I found that they do help and it is ok to be on them for now.
You have to get some sleep and exercise. Your kids need you.
You can do this!

[Ab Fab]

The physical aspects of anxiety got me too. Please speak to a DR. I was given AD, which helped but more importantly they gave me something to help me sleep. Once I could actually get a good nights sleep I felt so much better and able to handle the rest much better.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this a second time, but you will make it through.

Take good care of yourself, and you will be better able to look after your family and future.

Good Luck

[chasingpavements]

[quote]On Valentines day, AGAIN, this year, he told me he didn't want to work on things anymore and he moved out.

Yep, I am starting to hate Valentine's Day! Well, with him anyhow!

1) LET GO OR BE DRAGGED! A lot of the physical stuff you are experiencing now will go away once you ACCEPT that this is happening and start to look forward. My hair was falling out in fistfuls until I decided my ex was NOT worth losing my hair over. Once I actually accepted that we WERE getting divorced, and he'd been out of the house for a couple of months, I started to notice how NICE it was, not walking on eggshells around him all the time, trying to fix his unhappiness. Look for the silver linings in these clouds - I guarantee you, there are some.

I agree! That is my plan, to let go, move forward. I do actually feel a bit better, more at ease now that he is out of the house. I was walking on eggshells around him when he was here, because he was so moody and I never knew how he was going to react. He was starting to bring me down a bit, by constantly nit-picking at me, or finding faults with how I do things, and just generally wasn't very supportive of me and my goals and ideas. Now that he's gone I am actually happy that I have the house organized the way I like, and I am enjoying having some freedom and independance!

2) Pick something big outside your marriage/divorce to focus on. Dream big! Set a goal and go for it.

I am a soccer player but I haven't had any ambition or energy to play, I just am not motivated. I would like to start up again. I am hoping I find more energy to start doing more things again soon. In the spring I would like to start gardening in my big shade garden in the back yard, a passion of mine. I love to just putz around in the back yard doing yardwork. I also enjoy jogging, and will start up again when the weather warms up a bit. I am looking forward to nice warm spring weather!! Hopefully that will improve my mood.

3) Your MLCer is hoping for the "zipless divorce" - no effort required on his part, you will give him everything and just go merrily on your way. They can get nasty when the rude reality of divorce intrudes on this fantasy.

. I am finding that dealing with him over the tiniest of issues has somehow now become a huge annoyance. And little things are popping up here and there that are just driving me crazy! I was asking him to transfer over the hydro bill to my name instead of under his name, and he has to do it since he is the account holder. He is giving me a hard time about it and telling me that he will do it on his 'own time'. It drives me crazy, and it is so selfish of him, especially since he knows that I can't do it on my own, it is HIM that has to do it. He is certainly making things difficult for me. You would think he would have more compassion after what he has put me through! :P

5) Get good financial advice. Some of the decisions you are making now financially will have long-term consequences.

I have consulted with a lawyer. I have been going back and forth wondering whether I should do mediation with H (which is what he wants), or whether to get a personal lawyer. Today I was considering doing mediation with H. Until I had the conversation with him about changing over the bill and he gave me a hard time about it. If he is giving me a hassle over the tiny things now, I am worried that he will be a big PAIN to deal with in mediation!!! I am also worry that he will bully me during mediation into doing what HE wants, since he was usually the decision maker in our relationship, and he has a way of convincing me that he is right. He also knows more about investments and he uses that point in arguments to prove his case.

7) There is life after divorce! I found that even as a middle-aged woman, many (handsome, younger) men found me very attractive! In fact, every single man I dated couldn't figure out why on earth my husband would have left me! I am now dating an extremely handsome, kind, loving man 7 years my junior who treats me like gold.

Yay! I can't wait for this part. I am actually excited about moving forward, and starting to date. I don't think that he treated me all the greatest throughout our relationship, and I feel like I deserve better. Is it too soon for me to date? Lol. Probably, but still fun to think about.

Thanks kml!!

-CP

[chasingpavements]

Wow, that must be really tough to deal with CP, especially after you thought things were looking up. And to get re-bombed on V-day to boot really stinks.

Yep, it has been so hard. I am having a really tough time with it, it is not sitting well with me. I worry a lot about how everything will play out with logistics and finances, etc. and it causes me a great deal of anxiety!!

Wishing you better days... you can do this.

Thanks FY

[chasingpavements]

CP, I too would advise talking to a dr. I initially did not want to take an AD. Once I did, I found that they do help and it is ok to be on them for now.
You have to get some sleep and exercise. Your kids need you.
You can do this!

Hi willbwell. I have spoken to my doctor and also my counselor. I have been taking St. John's Wort, but I am weaning off it now, because I don't think it is doing much. I am also going to start taking a prescription sleep aid, as I have been having a lot of trouble sleeping. I am worried about taking an AD, because I worry about the side effects. It may come to that though.

-CP

[chasingpavements]

The physical aspects of anxiety got me too. Please speak to a DR. I was given AD, which helped but more importantly they gave me something to help me sleep. Once I could actually get a good nights sleep I felt so much better and able to handle the rest much better.

I am so sorry that you have to go through this a second time, but you will make it through.

Take good care of yourself, and you will be better able to look after your family and future.

Good Luck

Thanks Ab Fab. Yes, I have been having a lot of physical symptoms of anxiety, not sleeping well, not being able to concentrate, being forgetful, and just not having any energy. I am going to start on a sleeping pill tonight and see what happens, I am a little nervous as I have never taken a sleep pill before! Before all of this I have always slept like a baby! lol.