I believe a couple has to have a period of time after the time the D is final before trying to become friends. You would need to move forward without her. Otherwise, it would be too stressful to look at her as a friend only.
It is funny how the WAW in an A always want to be friends with the man they left. I would suggest you just focus on co-parenting, and see how about friendship later.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That is what my IC advised yesterday as well. She needs to see me move on and forward before attraction can rebuild, if it even ever does. Many lessons learned here, and more growing and fixing to do ahead. My W told my family she still has "hope" for us. Hmmm...I don't read too much into that, it's too confusing otherwise. IF a possible R happens way down the line, would asking for truth about her A even matter then? Or is that a bridge to wait to cross if it ever even happens?
My W told my family she still has "hope" for us. Hmmm...
Maybe b/c she knew that's what they wanted to hear and that it would satisfy them for now. No, don't place any value in what she told them.
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IF a possible R happens way down the line, would asking for truth about her A even matter then? Or is that a bridge to wait to cross if it ever even happens?
I'm not exactly sure what you mean. Can you explain more?
BTW, you said your A ended when you discovered your W have one. Did she ever know you had an A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Maybe b/c she knew that's what they wanted to hear and that it would satisfy them for now. No, don't place any value in what she told them.
Agreed.
I'm not exactly sure what you mean. Can you explain more?
I mean that she has done her work, too. Through her childhood abuse and continued lying about her A. I would want her to apologize for her part-- even though she may have felt justified at the time.
BTW, you said your A ended when you discovered your W have one. Did she ever know you had an A?
Okay, yes, I think it important to start the R with honesty. In fact, if she doesn't come clean about the A, you don't need to reconcile with her. However, she may tell you about the A, but not apologize. Sometime the resentment is so heavy that it outweighs the the remorse. It was a long time before I could sincerely apologize to my H.
I believe the couples who get back together in steps, while working toward complete reconciliation may do better, b/c there are several issues to get through. A couple may say everything is fine and and even have a mini-honeymoon period, but those unresolved problems will begin to rise again. Deal with the most critical in order to be able to have the truth out and to forgive each other. I would even find a very good solution based, pro-marriage therapist b/c you both will need professional guidance to heal properly and havenansuccessful R. But it will do no good until she ends the A and gets through the hard withdrawal period from the A. Then she may be ready to get help and commit to working on the M.
Has she received therapy for what happened in the past? She was sexually abused? Was it by somebody close who,she trusted?
Did she began her A only after she found out about your Ea? Had you apologizednbefore she started A?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks- I am quite certain it will take many steps and many months, if recovery ever happens at all.
As for your first set of questions, is there a way to message you? They are, shall I say, a bit uncomfortable for me to answer.
Yes, she began her A after finding of mine, and no I hadn't confessed or apologized for my EA yet. Admittedly, I apologized even more so after my withdrawal, and began to really see that my feelings weren't all what I thought they were.
We aren't allowed to give email information. It is not necessary to answer those first questions. It just seems this experience has added trama to unresolved past issues.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ok, I understand about the email info. The answers to those questions my IC knows…and she believes there's some PTSD with the unresolved past issues (my W has been getting therapy, but as she's "processing" the past, all of this situation plus her past has put her in crisis) <-----not my mind reading, but my IC's theory.
You were on a blog talking to guy who was still pursing wife who was touching her while she was texting on. You mentioned something that would work but he is not ready for it.
