I texted H (I can't copy the text bc it disappeared for some reason, so this is paraphrasing):
H, thanks for your thoughts on the field trip issue. I have thought about what you said and agree with much of it, but I just feel very uncomfortable about the whole thing. Can we agree that missing one field trip won't kill her, and I will stay home with her and help her with the homework so we make sure she doesn't miss a piece of the curriculum?
His immediate response:
Let me think about the field trip. The problem here is that we were never good at resolving conflicts pre-divorce and I don't see how we're any better now. No, missing one field trip won't kill her, but neither will going on one field trip.
I will be interested to hear what this sounds like to an objective person. To me, it really grated on my nerves. I am not sure exactly why, I need to mull it over a bit, but I got that awful feeling that I used to get when we would disagree, which was that my H would never just stick to the topic. I can't count the number of times I said to him, "can we just have the conversation?" because he couldn't keep on point. I fail to see how the problem is that we were never good at resolving conflicts, or what the point is in saying that.
And I'm sorry, but it's fairly obvious to me that this is about power/control for him.
I am hoping that merely feeling as though he has a say in this will satisfy that. He tends to want to be seen (and see himself) as a martyr, so it's possible he will go that route, and "allow" me to keep her home.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
It's definity more to this for him IMO....Him bringing up that you two have never been good a resolving conflicts in the past and seemingly not being better now...makes me feel like he's trying to prove something through this. Like confirming for him self "we are just too different....I knew we could never get along".
He does seem to only want things to go the way he feels is right.
me: 30 H:30 tgthr:7 m:4 no kids 5 counseling sessions initiated by H as a LR: Oct 2012 long distance marriage b/c of work since Nov 2012 official BD: July 2013 nothing filed 1/1/14 I dropped the rope
Is this the same field trip she's been on before? If so, maybe point out she's already had the experience. I would also point out the car sickness- to me that's the biggest reason for her to stay home. She'd feel sick the majority of the day.
Me: 39 H: 45 Second marriage for both H left 12/2013 M:4 T:5.5
It's definity more to this for him IMO....Him bringing up that you two have never been good a resolving conflicts in the past and seemingly not being better now...makes me feel like he's trying to prove something through this. Like confirming for him self "we are just too different....I knew we could never get along".
Yes . . . that is what I get from it, too. Any time there is a conflict (which have been very few since BD bc I have avoided conflict like the plague), he says something about how this is just like when we were married. (BTW, interesting how he considers us to be divorced now even though we are still married.)
The one that immediately pops into mind is when he was talking about his plans for moving out. He listed the things he wanted to take. I said, great, take whatever you want. He told me when/how often he wanted to see the kids. I agreed. He told me where he was going to live. I said OK. It went on like this for a while with me agreeing to everything. Then he said he was going to take the cat. I said no, the cat will stay here. And he, in very dramatic fashion, put his head in his hands, acted like he just couldn't take it anymore, and said, "ugh. this is just like when we were married. You always have to have your way."
He did this a lot, where he would point out how it was just hopeless. During a conversation, instead of discussing the issue at hand, he would say, "we are just never going to see this the same way," or, "there's no point in arguing because I know I'm going to lose," "I'm not going to say anything because I already know what you're going to say," etc.
It always really bothered me, maybe because it felt blame-y, or because it was like, ripping on our relationship, or being negative, I don't know. And I got that same feeling when I got that text.
What I have been doing is sticking only to the facts with my H. No joking, no banter, no comments like that one. I have ignored anything he says other than facts. I am hoping he gets the hint, but I can tell (based on what he says and the fact that he says it immediately) that there isn't much thought going into what he says - he is just reacting.
I will wait for a bit and see if he says anything else before I respond. I feel as though there is no way for me to respond other than to agree or to argue his points . . . which will just prove his point that we are not good at resolving conflict, right? It's like a trap. Hmm. Maybe that is his intent.
Oh well, I am kind of hoping he just leaves me alone the rest of the weekend. Driving down to see my brother +family today - we are excited!
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Gineen, yes, I will look on the bright side, that my H is actually communicating with me rather than being P/A and resentful. He still svcks at it, but then, he doesn't spend two hours a day on the DB boards.
I'll keep an open mind.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I'm chiming in here to agree with Gineen, and to make sure I don't lose this thread ...b/c I'm intrinsically lazy and it makes it easier for me to find if I comment.
So that's my comment.
OH, and ENJOY yourself in my old stomping grounds! Northern VA? I was born in DC and raised in Arlington/Mclean. Very historic place and a very good place to grow up in.
Have some fun, feel the love and affirmation you deserve, and don't think about what's his name for awhile.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
OH, and ENJOY yourself in my old stomping grounds! Northern VA? I was born in DC and raised in Arlington/Mclean. Very historic place and a very good place to grow up in.
We are in Richmond, where they still think they won the "War of Northern Agression." Buzzed through your old 'hood on the way down from the airport, though!
I went to law school in Charlottesville and love all of central and northern VA!
Quote:
Have some fun, feel the love and affirmation you deserve, and don't think about what's his name for awhile.
Who is what's his name?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I don't know his name...I guess I forgot b/c I'm too busy GAL,
like you are.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
(which I only entered b/c h owed the Army for med school, and I couldn't see job hunting in new states & bar exams! every 2-3 years. So if you can't beat 'em, join 'em)
Army JAG School was in Charlottesville on or next to U Va's campus. I loved that little city. I was lucky to have h and son, then 15 months old, only 2 hours away so I could go thru basic training in Ft Lee (also in Va) and then JAG school, coming home every weekend for 4 months.
The weird thing about that was even though I knew I'd hate leaving our son every Sunday night to drive back down (and I cried each & every time), I have to admit that h and s really bonded well.
S finally learned to go to sleep a lot faster than the hour long process I had with him. I doubt he'd have learned that any time soon, if I'd remained at home then.
Oh, Melissa, I had a thought to share on a semi related note...some WASs don't seem to think or care about their kids after they leave...BUT let's consider this:
I found myself NOT wanting to call our son during the week. Why?
B/C I would end up aching more for him, when I called, not less. Worse, he'd ask when I was coming over, "why not now?" and HE would cry. I mean, every single time except a few Thursdays when I could say "tomorrow I'll see you".
I honestly felt more pain by calling him, (at that age) and I seemed to be reminding him of my absence more, by calling. So HE was hurt by my calls in some ways.
I don't know, but I think I can understand avoiding the issue of a small child's entreaties and justifying it, b/c you really do disrupt them at that age, and it hurts a lot on both ends.
Obviously if the child is older, each parent has to maintain enough contact for the child to feel loved. I would NOT get this for an older child. And the loss at the parent's end is not the issue, the loss at the child's end, IS.
When it's more than a day or 2 before you'll see a toddler, it's the same as 5 years, to them....
Just a thought.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Buzzed through your old 'hood on the way down from the airport, though! 