I came out of yoga this afternoon, feeling kind of emotional as I usually do (it's weird, it's not necessarily sad, just emotions come out!), and I was thinking about some stuff about my H.
Like how he insists on vilifying me in any way he can. And I realized, he has done that for years. Instead of listening to me and taking my word for what I say, he would decide that what I really was saying/thinking/doing was something evil and offensive to him. And many times he would even argue his point, to prove that he was right and I was wrong.
So as I drove home from yoga, I thought, WOW. I deserve better than that. You know what? I am a really f-ing nice person. I do things for other people all the time. I am honest. I am reliable. I am considerate. Surely there is someone who would appreciate those qualities in me rather than trying to deny them.
Anyway. Then I got home and read your posts . . . and first I read Wonka's and 25's, and I imagined donning my helmet and dodging rotten tomatoes, and I laughed, and then I read 3b's post and I just bawled.
You know what, 3? You are right! I am changing things. And even though I am sad that I am in this place, because of course I would have preferred that my H wanted to work on the M rather than getting D, I DO feel proud of myself for having gotten here. I know there is still a LONG way to go, but I feel like in the past week or so (after my week from hell where everyone who read my posts wanted to institutionalize me), I have really grown a lot.
Yay me.
I went this afternoon to look for a new car . . . I actually laughed out loud thinking it was a good thing that H wasn't there since he can't negotiate his way out of a paper bag (and always made it seem like me being a shrewd negotiator was a bad thing, like I was a bitch or something). Then I saw a couple looking at cars and it made me feel sad. Just to have that person you can make these decisions with, and just be around and feel comfortable, not to mention, having that future where they will own the car together . . . I bet you all know that feeling I am talking about. It just kind of svcks.
I wish we could post a poll here . . . I am seriously swinging back and forth between getting a convertible (oh, the sun on my shoulders, the wind in my hair!), or staying in an SUV (oh, the trunk space and rear windshield wiper!)
I may have to flip a coin.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Wonka, I am sending my good vibes your grandmother's way! I know a fall at that age can be really tough. My grandmother (now 93) did the same a few years ago, but she pulled through and is back to her spunky self. I hope your grandmother does the same.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
H just texted me to let me know that the kids told him I am looking at buying a convertible, and to remind me that I need to inform him in advance of any large expenditures, per the injunction.
He makes me laugh.
P.S. My L said I don't need his permission as long as my payment is the same or less than it is now.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Was that really an unreasonable comment from him? How would he know what level of car payment you're looking at?
I know you're looking for the balance between being pushed around by him and standing on your own. Not everything he does is evil, some things he does are just human.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Ad . . . I don't think the comment was evil. I just think it was silly.
He is angry about the injunction. And he knows full well I understand it. There is no reason to remind me. I know my H. It wasn't just a neutral public service announcement.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I can choose whether to interpret it and respond to it as though it's neutral, yes.
I thought about it, and decided that whether it was neutral or not, it didn't require a response.
I'm definitely still trying to find the balance. For a long while, I gave my H the benefit of the doubt when interpreting his words and actions. Then, over time, the evidence built up and it became clear that I had given him too much credit, and that doing so hurt me.
He has shown me that, at the moment, he is extremely self-serving, with no regard to the consequences to others. (Well, at least, the consequences to me, and potentially my children.) So I have to keep that in mind when dealing with him.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I can choose whether to interpret it and respond to it as though it's neutral, yes.
I thought about it, and decided that whether it was neutral or not, it didn't require a response.
I'm definitely still trying to find the balance. For a long while, I gave my H the benefit of the doubt when interpreting his words and actions. Then, over time, the evidence built up and it became clear that I had given him too much credit, and that doing so hurt me.
He has shown me that, at the moment, he is extremely self-serving, with no regard to the consequences to others. (Well, at least, the consequences to me, and potentially my children.) So I have to keep that in mind when dealing with him.
So true. I am finding this also. I am trying hard to just detach and move on. From what I've been told (and I'm a few weeks behind you on this one) W never intended to stay married and my heartache and wanting to fix this, was not shared. Although, she never let me see that. She let me continue to believe that there was something that could be done...there really wasn't
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
it is also worth noting that while we contributed to the death of our M's, often times, the pain that is in the WAS's life would have been there with or without our inputs. I spent a lot of time trying to figure it out. I can't anymore. I need to heal this wound and be better for me and my kids. She's hurting and I am not the sole cause of it. You are not the sole cause of your H's hurt either. Nor can you be his savior.
Blue Skies
me: 47, W:49 M 16.5 years T 17 years Three kids - D17,D14, S13 Heart 2 heart about M 11/8/13 Bomb drop 11/29/13 W moved out 12/5/13 I Retained L 2/20/14 D filed 3/17/14
