My biggest check up honestly is not on W but on xAP. I check her out on social media. I like knowing what she's doing for some reason right now... and I am finding that I am happy when she is hurting. I think that makes me sound awful but this is my safe space and I know I can speak my truth here. For example, she posted an unrequited love song late last night. A really heartbreaking song. And I had no sympathy.
My love for my W fuels my empathy and concern for her but the xAP does not get the same from me. Even on a human level I can recognize the need for it, but I can't muster it for her and I'm not going to beat myself up about that. I am just not enlightened in this way.
Hear, hear! You speak for all of us here as LBS with spouses who got into A's.
I am wondering if you and W can schedule some time to make "new" memories together. How about picking up a new hobby or activity together? That is a great way to bond and create new paths in the M.
A while back, one of my aunts arranged a fun outing for her birthday in her town and I so happened to be in her town on a business trip. It was an art-wine thing were you can create your own painting and drink some wine. There was a young couple, mother-daughter, and a small group of young women (one whose birthday was the reason for the celebration) during this session. Fun, FUN!
Wonka... I love ya. Thanks for always being here. I love the wine/paint idea! I will make that date when we get back.
On the way to work today, W started crying. She said yesterday when she asked me about a certain coupon... I told her it expired in Dec. 2012 and it scared her. She said she lost time. She said she knows where she was and what she was doing but it doesn't add up... like it wasn't her. I listen. Knowing her journey is much more than I understand. She said "I want to hide in our bedroom with you and the pups. It seems easier than facing everyone."
Stoic. When do we get to me?
I just held her hand while we drove.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I find myself, after much studying on the subject, and being away for an extended time looking at these threads in a new dimension... Your partners respect for YOU
If the theory holds true that they leave due to a lack of respect for us (in my case because x was my "Mommy")The only way for a R to be successful is if new respect has been earned- but then it becomes a constant test.
I understand that W was "honest" when she told you that she felt the need to contact X. What happens if you say NO? Does she leave? Does she do it anyway?
She came back to you - you won! BUT has she left XAP? Its time for you to set some boundaries now.....this way its proactive rather then reactive.
I know you love her with all your heart- you have come through hell so please think about this. How much pain and guilt can she be in if she just absolutly had to contact Xap regarding her pet?
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Hi friends. Thanks Ruby, Wonka and Spin for checking in on me and as always, your sound advice and thought provoking insights.
I just spent 2 weeks on vacation, part of it in the Caribbean to celebrate my mid-life milestone. It was great, family, friends, and my W all went with me. W handled it really well, considering it was the first time she had seen most of them since the PA admission at the end of 2012. Wow. Look at that time line in my signature... My W and I have been dealing with "our chit" and our "individual chit" for more than two years now... more like 4 if you count the beginning of the break in our marriage and the start of my W's journey that led her to Walkabout. Pretty amazing I'm still standing. Go me.
Well... I'm 40. I had to change my signature line. Ick. Gotta say... not my favorite age thus far. I'm sure I'll settle into it sooner or later.
W and I have had some talks. I told her I was struggling with not moving forward in our healing, I try to keep in mind what Ruby advised on that. W listened. I think she's getting closer to being able to hear my pain. She downloaded a journaling app for her IPad the other day and has been writing. I'm proud of her. It was her idea and very unlike her so I am pleasantly surprised and hope she gets some clarity in examining her own feelings. Fingers crossed.
I'm ok. I'm overwhelmed with returning to work, 3 college classes and connecting with my W. By the time work and school are done... I'm already at 70hrs a week. Who has time for housework, yard work, eating right, exercising, being romantic, processing feelings or piecing a marriage? LOL!
Did I mention I'm 40? That means I'm TIRED.
Back to my marriage, W and I ML for the first time since she came home while we were in the islands. It was not planned and spontaneous. It was fun and without pressure. The cocktails I'm sure took care of some of the nerves we both had on the issue. We've talked about it since. Both happy that we did and thought it was a good return to one another. Nothing since, other than kissing and touches, but we are both women and lunar timing can be tricky.
We will see where it goes.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
LOL! Bug... I do don't I! My sister and friends said the same thing. But hey... It's my 40. Everyone travels it and I must as well. Really, some never reach it, so I know I am blessed.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Some day I'd like to go back to the Caribbean soon. Sounds like you had a ton of fun down there!
I think she's getting closer to being able to hear my pain.
Are you comfortable with the direction W is heading in regard to hearing your pain? Do you sense that she is starting to understand it?
Did I mention I'm 40? That means I'm TIRED.
Ugh. I'm with Bug on her assessment of your thought process on the BIG 4-Oh. Sheesh, I was a whirlwind at age 40 playing golf 2 times a week!
Back to my marriage, W and I ML for the first time since she came home while we were in the islands. It was not planned and spontaneous. It was fun and without pressure.
Did that help you two connect at the intimate, emotional level? Was there a shift at all afterward?
Forget lunar timing!!! If I were go by it, I'd be a ragging nympo or worse--with bare teeth and hairy face!
I cant wait until im 40 - ill be able to do a bunch o' stupid shnit and blame midlife............
Im already looking at jeeps- If I lived in a warmer climate I would soo be sailing and/or paddleboarding
"Skibum" doesnt work for me.
Im glad you got your groove back in the islands.....amazing what boat drinks, salt water and sand do
Time for me to go back.......boatrides down there are mighty cheap there right now.
Well deserved my friend!!!!!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Are you comfortable with the direction W is heading in regard to hearing your pain? Do you sense that she is starting to understand it?
I am comfortable. Sometimes I have to step outside myself and realize just how different hings are than they were the year before she left. Expectations of speed and perfection get in the way but I really think my W is trying. And the affection is soooo different. But back to it... I sense that she is very aware that it is there and knows she needs to confront it with me, but she is still not ready to "hear" yet. We talked briefly about going to MC soon. She addressed not wearing her wedding ring and said she thought of putting it back on as more symbolic after MC and a re-commitment. She knows why I wear mine. We are ok with each other's choice.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Did that help you two connect at the intimate, emotional level? Was there a shift at all afterward?
It did help us reconnect and I've felt a shift in both of us since then. We talked about it the very next day... flirtatiously. So things are ok, but I still think they will go slowly because of me... I dealt with some mind movies during. I didn't tell her. I don't think I am going to. I don't want to lump another guilt brick on her right now. I handled it in the moment and got past it back to her.
Hiya Spin! Thanks for being in my corner! Yes... the islands... Oh to chuck it all and live there!
Today... I am not feeling well. Allergies. I went home early for lunch. W made me a small lunch and covered me with a blanket to nap. She texted me a few hours after I got back to work to see how I was feeling. Then texted again to offer to go run my errands for me after work and just let me come home.
These are loving things... Little things. I missed them for so long, it's easy to forget to focus on them now while I'm trying to piece... but that is exactly what I have to do. Appreciate her in the now. We'll get to the bigger stuff when she is stronger.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
