Not sure what to do... My wife wants me to move to our other house but I told her that I could not walk out on her or our son. Trying to give her space in our home and she is sleeping in the guest room. Keep working on myself and I know she has noticed the changes. She's told me she doesn't love me and hasn't for a long time. I spend a lot of time in our bedroom now while she watches TV or texts on her phone in the other room. She is so confused about what she wants to do. One foot in and the other out...
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Hello and welcome to the forums! Your story sounds so similar to many others here. First have you read DR? If not then get it right away, the advice you'll see here is in support of the concepts laid out in the book. Also read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those rules! You were right to stay in the house, that's a decision for the WAS to make, if she wants out then she needs to make that happen herself. The texting thing, get used to it because nearly all WAS's do it. Don't snoop, it won't help things. She's starting a new life without you and you've got to give her time and space to do it. You can't stop it. Read self-help books, work on yourself and leave her alone. Good luck!
Thanks for the quick replies! I have read DB and was going to read DR next. I don't snoop because it will not change my decision to stay or go, so why deal with the emotions of knowing anything. I have been working on myself since she said she was unhappy. I know I drank to much and have stopped because that was something that upset her. She had never said it was a deal breaker but now I know it is and I value her and my family so much more than drinking. The second thing she has said she is not happy about are my three boys from previous marriage. We had shared custody when they were younger. They have been gone for about 3 years. The oldest two are on their own living in a different state and the third one is deployed in the Navy and returning in April. Our youngest son is going with me when his deployment is over in April W does not want to go. She is going to Florida with her mom instead. She just has so much anger and bitterness that has built up over the years. Now it seems to have turned to apathy. I have read many books before coming here... 7LL, Starved for affection, Marriage Fitness, Surprising ways to a stronger marriage, How to improve your marriage w/o talking about it, Text the romance back & more. She doesn't think she will ever "be in love with me again." She may be dealing with MLC. It should be me I'm the older one. LOL I work a lot but probably not much more than most husbands trying to support their family and she works at the school our son attends. I work 45-50 hours a week and she works 30-35. Feeling I needed to work on connection from one of the books I had read. I started calling & texting during the day a few months back and she seemed to pull further away. Now I rarely call or text unless it's logistical. I think she is stepping in to fill that void a little. She even gave me a hug when I left for work this morning. I don't let those things get me too excited or happy when it happens or too sad when they don't happen. I feel sorry for her that she is so confused about what she want's and know I can't do much or don't know what to do to help her move forward. I'm thinking she will probably leave. I know she can't afford to live on her own but don't want her to stay just for the money. I think in the last 16 months I've tried to carry the relationship and she hasn't had to put much effort in, knowing that I'm not leaving. I'm thinking we/I need to set some boundaries in regards to our pay checks going into our checking account. She's been depositing a very small portion of her pay and keeping the rest in a separate account. While I was giving her my check stub & the deposit slip. I did that for about nine months and then started keeping money to the side as well. When she called me out on it I put all the cash the table and told her I was all in - what do you want to do? She charges items to her credit card that I basically pay each month. I told her I wanted to see what I was paying for. Needless to say she got pissed. Any thoughts on how to handle this sitch? I think she has some issues about money... power/control etc. Sorry for the long winded reply but that gives you some back ground. Thanks for listening & your replies
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Well first let me say good job on reading all those books, you've obviously taken this seriously and are working on yourself! And great work on quitting drinking too, sounds like that's healthy for you regardless of where your M goes.
Originally Posted By: Cnfused
She even gave me a hug when I left for work this morning. I don't let those things get me too excited or happy when it happens or too sad when they don't happen.
Good, MWD calls things like that "baby steps", they should be celebrated internally but don't have any expectations.
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I feel sorry for her that she is so confused about what she want's and know I can't do much or don't know what to do to help her move forward.
You're right, that's her journey to make and nothing you can do will help other than just giving her time and space.
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She charges items to her credit card that I basically pay each month. I told her I wanted to see what I was paying for. Needless to say she got pissed. Any thoughts on how to handle this sitch?
Well this is tricky. The two of you are still living together, so any debt she accumulates on her own card is still marital debt, so you're responsible for it as well. If you were separated I would say just quit paying her CC bills for her, but you're not S'd. If you think your W is spending recklessly and could harm your personal financial sitch, then consult a lawyer about what to do. You don't have to tell her you're talking to a L, just consult with one to see what your options are.
I'm wondering if I should continue to give her space by going into our bedroom most nights and reading or should I stay in the living room and be available if she wants to talk. Keep my mouth shut about R or M obviously. I don't want to push but I also don't want her to think I'm ignoring her.
Where she is at right now is she gets uptight if I help her or if I don't. She got upset because I didn't wake her up the other morning but she's sleeping in the guest room and has her alarm clock. Now if she's not down stairs at the regular time I'll knock on the door to make sure she's awake. She'd get upset if I cleaned the snow off her car - so I stopped and then she seemed upset about that too.
I know the only thing worse than being on the receiving end of someone's bitterness is being the one carrying it around.
It feels like she just wants me to be the one that quits - not sure if I will ever get to that point. Guess I'll know it when or if I do.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Not sure how long my posts will be held up, the first two showed up fairly quickly now it seems to take longer. Hopefully I can get off moderation soon.
Spent some time away from home this afternoon after work with a pastor/friend that I have been talking to. He seem to give good insight and spoke with him about this forum. While having coffee with him my wife called to see when I was coming home so she could go visit a friend in the hospital. I think she was surprised I didn't come straight home after work today. The only reason she called was for me to come home and watch or son so she could leave. Hopefully I can continue this journey, even if she doesn't seem to want too. If she wants to give up that needs to be her doing, not mine. Not really sure what stage of DB I should be in right now.
But today is one of those days I just feel like throwing in the towel and telling W if she wants to separate then she should go because I can't walk out on her or our son. Should I just keep my mouth shut? Not talking about our relationship and just talking about her day. I know she doesn't want to hurt our son but doesn't put any effort into marriage. We send our son to a private christian school and she works there too. I'm sure that's all playing in her head and to what the people there will think if or when this all plays out. I think that's why she keeps trying to push my buttons so she can say I'm the one who left.
At what point do you push the decision - I don't think there is a PA but 99% sure there is an EA. Our phone bill showed a number of calls to and out of state "friend". Do I just keep my mouth shut? Do I let her know that this is unacceptable? Do I need to be 100% sure? Just let it go? Should I call the guy and ask what's going on?
I get so confused about what to do. I know she is so confused too & bitter. Doesn't matter what I do or don't do with/for her she gets upset. But when I do nothing for her I don't feel i'm being supportive and showing her the changes in me.
I keep trying to give her space w/i our home not sure if this is he best plan or if a separation would be the better option, in that she could see what life will really be like without me. Any thoughts?
She is definitely eating cake and has been for the last couple of months.
Being patient - reading & praying for strength and wisdom
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Not sure how long my posts will be held up, the first two showed up fairly quickly now it seems to take longer. Hopefully I can get off moderation soon.
Spent some time away from home this afternoon after work with a pastor/friend that I have been talking to. He seem to give good insight and spoke with him about this forum. While having coffee with him my wife called to see when I was coming home so she could go visit a friend in the hospital. I think she was surprised I didn't come straight home after work today. The only reason she called was for me to come home and watch or son so she could leave. Hopefully I can continue this journey, even if she doesn't seem to want too. If she wants to give up that needs to be her doing, not mine. Not really sure what stage of DB I should be in right now.
But today is one of those days I just feel like throwing in the towel and telling W if she wants to separate then she should go because I can't walk out on her or our son. Should I just keep my mouth shut? Not talking about our relationship and just talking about her day. I know she doesn't want to hurt our son but doesn't put any effort into marriage. We send our son to a private christian school and she works there too. I'm sure that's all playing in her head and to what the people there will think if or when this all plays out. I think that's why she keeps trying to push my buttons so she can say I'm the one who left.
At what point do you push the decision - I don't think there is a PA but 99% sure there is an EA. Our phone bill showed a number of calls to and out of state "friend". Do I just keep my mouth shut? Do I let her know that this is unacceptable? Do I need to be 100% sure? Just let it go? Should I call the guy and ask what's going on?
I get so confused about what to do. I know she is so confused too & bitter. Doesn't matter what I do or don't do with/for her she gets upset. But when I do nothing for her I don't feel i'm being supportive and showing her the changes in me.
I keep trying to give her space w/i our home not sure if this is he best plan or if a separation would be the better option, in that she could see what life will really be like without me. Any thoughts?
She is definitely eating cake and has been for the last couple of months.
Being patient - reading & praying for strength and wisdom
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
Being in moderation delays my posts. Hopefully off that soon and can start to get some advice quicker. Waiting on responses and waiting for W to make a decision certainly helps to build your patience.
Me: 55, W: 46 T: 17 M: 15 S: 10 3 S prev M 25 23 21 Unhappy 10/12 Asked to move out 1/14 NILWY 2/14 Sep rooms: 1/14 BD 3/14 W filed 5/14 Trial 12/14
