I may have done too much

[AnotherStander]

I was heading home with the intention of telling her she should stay elsewhere, but your post gave me pause. I came home, was nice, and social. She did not bring anything up. I am glad I did not bring it up. Thank you, I was geared up to.

Great! And you're welcome The more you do this the more you'll see how removing pressure from her will put her more at ease. It's still a long road to recovery, but removing the pressure buys you time.

I am the caretaker and planner. Right now I have no plan which is uncomfortable for me. I want to plan, but am avoiding the urge.

I can relate. I too was the "caretaker" of the family. Little did I know that what I always thought was just being a prudent planner my W saw as being controlling. I never meant to be that way, I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do (IE- run the family). So just keep that in mind, your W probably felt like you were controlling as well so a 180 on that is to back off. So you're doing the right thing.

It is difficult not to think about our marriage. I have been focusing on myself, and trying to get into things. I keep thinking, is this just making us grow apart more.

DB'ing is counterintuitive. It doesn't "feel" right. Our inclination is to beg, plead, reason, negotiate, reach out. Why? Because in the past that DID work to smooth things over after an argument. But dealing with a WAS is new territory, what worked before no longer works. The WAS is on their journey and we can't help them other than by getting out of their way.

and when we talk it has been hard not to fall into the old habits. I mean like, talking about things I find amusing, or stories I would tell.

It's OK to talk to her about funny stories and such. Sandi's rules tell you what not to talk about (D, R, M) but light and fluffy talk is fine.

I guess I am just trying not to regress into wondering why she is acting like she is.

We all want to know "why". But take it from every vet who has ever posted here, you'll never get a satisfactory answer to that. The truth is your WAW is confused and in turmoil right now, even she doesn't know why she's doing what she's doing.

I just worry I am losing her.

I'm going to tell you something that may hurt now but will help you later. You ALREADY lost her. Once the WAS BD's, they're already gone. Your goal is not to restore your M. You have to look at it as dead and gone. This is a wakeup call that you have to pursue a new path, make yourself into the person you never thought possible. Better, stronger, more attractive, more independent. Grieve the loss of your M and then get busy making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. When you do THAT, THEN she might look back. And if she does, your goal is to create a NEW R and M with her, not restore the old one.

Avoding divorce talks and I assume I should be avoiding planning talks about her moving out, or selling the house, or any of these things.

Correct. It's OK to discuss if she initiates, but let her lead the convo's. You just listen and validate.

But from what she has said, she does not want to work on this. I still do. So I don't know what to do.

Give her her wish. Don't work on the M. Work on you.

[AnotherStander]

^^^Great advice and comments from Fly up above!!^^^

After countless nights and days, trying to figure out the whys? Make him go or leave? What next? Should I take initiative and call the L, sale the house? ...I was putting endless energy into trying to "do things" as a reaction to him and his decisions. I then realized that I cannot change his mind or control what he does or why. All I can do is make the best decisions for me. I am not talking about the long term... I am living in the moment. So instead of staying home and wondering where he is or when and if he is coming home, I make dinner for myself, take a walk, and go to the library...anything to distract me...

TA, for someone who has only been at this a short time you are really grasping what DB'ing is all about

[D2ndday]

I welcome all the help I can get. There has been some amazing advice and insight into what I am going through. I need this! Seeing my own counselor is not touching this stuff, I am trying to work on me, but hearing your takes on this, your thoughts and advice, helps me feel less crazy.

I should have said, and I guess there has been so much I missed it, she had another miscarriage. I know this is true, because she left the doctors stuff on the counter. I don't how I would manage that, lol. We had one this summer, our first try at having kids. The doctor warned her it would be that much easier the next time. But, yeah. When she told me about the miscarriage, I actually felt bad. Even though it was not by me, I felt bad because we had gone through this ourselves this past summer. I told her this too, that I felt bad, and that it felt weird, but that I did, because I knew how hard that was for us/her.

I am keeping busy, as much as I can. She is coming home from her trip soon, and I am on way out the door for the evening. Going to go eat some food I like, hit the library, and maybe go see a movie. Your perspectives on all of this is so helpful. I cant even put it into words what it means to me. Nights are hard when I am home alone. I work late, so I get home around 10pm. Not a lot of places to go, and too cold right now to be out. So I read, some here on this site. But those are the times, that I feel myself want to feel what is happening. Those are the times I want to snoop (I am getting better about that). But it is when I am here alone, and bored. When I know she is out having fun, and I am here. I am not going to go to the bars, I know I am probably not the most fun guy to be around as far as hanging out with friends, or meeting people. I have been trying to just keep busy with reading, writing, watching movies, etc. So it is like it hits me in waves.

I know I am saying probably what a lot of people do in this position. I just wish she would see what she's doing, not just to me. I have always taken care of her, and I know she is in a bad spot. My point is that I want to help her, I want to comfort her, I want to fix this. Resisting that is hard, but with all that I am trying to do for myself, it is a little easier I guess to resist, because I am distracted. I did come here at first hoping it would be a secret mix of doing A, B, C. like was said. But I am learning, and taking deep breathes. Trying to remind myself it is about right now for me, and not get tunnel vision on what is happening with us.

I don't know how many times today I have said under my breath or out loud to myself, patience. That is my Mantra, lol.

I hear what you all are saying, I really do. I am trying to take it all in. I do feel less in a tornado, and more calm about all this. At least right this moment, here.

[sandi2]

I should have said, and I guess there has been so much I missed it, she had another miscarriage. I know this is true, because she left the doctors stuff on the counter. I don't how I would manage that, lol. We had one this summer, our first try at having kids. The doctor warned her it would be that much easier the next time. But, yeah. When she told me about the miscarriage, I actually felt bad. Even though it was not by me, I felt bad because we had gone through this ourselves this past summer. I told her this too, that I felt bad, and that it felt weird, but that I did, because I knew how hard that was for us/her.

Oh okay. Thanks for straightening that out for me. I am rather amazed at your compassion, under the circumstances. It tells me a little more about what kind of heart you have, even if you were sounding a bit punitive in a couple of places. And it's understandable b/c there are not too many who gets all this 100% the first few weeks. You have a lot ahead of you. A lot to learn.....and you'll make some mistakes, but you will have support here as long as you'll stick with us and keep on keeping on.

Coming to the board will not only give you information and support, but it will help you to get through those lonely/boring times. When you aren't writing on your own thread, read other threads and you'll see how much you have in common and learn even more. And you can encourage other newcomers......even just letting them know they aren't alone and you are listening to what they have to say.

I am so glad you read Another Stander's message in time to make a difference in how you would face things when arriving home. Sometimes we just need that shot of encouragement at the right time to give us extra boost to face the evening. He (AS) has a positive attitude in his postings, and I believe you will be able to benefit even further from his support.

One thing I have noticed in the threads from what I think of as "successful" DBers, is how important GAL is. If you aren't familiar with the term "getting a life", let us know and we can fill you in.

[FlyOnTheWall]

I am equally impressed at your grasp of the concept, and your sympathy in the situation. You've got Sandi here to help now to. I'm going to grab some popcorn and enjoy this, cause your about to get a 1st class education here.

Hell I'm going to be getting a lesson myself. Hang in there D2.

[25yearsmlc]

I have thought about it. Right now, I am not sure since I am concerned with my finances. I mean I don't know if she is going to just take off, and leave me to pay the bills. Things are tight, and my instinct is telling me to save every dime. But, I do want to save my marriage. I just have to think about it. going to see my counselor tomorrow. Hoping for some clarity and guidance. I did show my mom the rules, and explained that for now, it would be best if she was there for support, but to let me find a way through. We will see. W said she would be home at 3, it is 5, but I am not calling or texting, will just entertain myself and fight the urge.

Okay first, the "rules" are something a poster here assembled, based on MWD's books. They are not infallible and if you read them carefully you can see that some of them conflict.

No one size fits all. Don't cling to them b/c our problems getting our marriages here, are more complex than the guidelines, which only GUIDE us, can do. The real work is done by digging deep. The real journey in life is an inward one.

Secondly, the cost of the DB coaching is nothing compared to the lost wages of missing work, getting a divorce, or feeling sick all the time. Buy a package of 3 and

AND KNOW IT'S NOT A WASTE...at the very least you will not continue to do the opposite of what you need to do (180s!! GAL!! What of THOSE are you doing??)

and at best, you'll find yourself, and her, in this morass. You'll get some tools and learn to leave the past in the past, and go "from this day forward" like the vows tell us to, and save your m.

You are hedging your bets (Figuring out that saving now means more b/c you probably can't win anyhow)...& that is a losing approach to life,

and you cannot save a marriage like that. Spend the money NOW and get a DB coach and no, don't tell your w. And you have read the books, YES?? B/C if you have not, do that first. THEN get a coach and do this all, this week.

Stop pushing your w out of your life...

more later...

[sandi2]

How have you made it today?

[inafog]

How in blazes can I start a post? I am in the same position. But, my kids keep me in the fight. You say, 'you've always taken care of her, eh'? Well, that might be why she's sick of. She feels controlled. She feels like your dependent. You thought you were doing good I bet. She wants to be free. Show her independence an she's using you as the reason. Let you self off the hook. There is some really good advice on this site.

[D2ndday]

Today was alright, had my IC, which was fine. It helps me to verbalize what I am feeling and say what is happening out loud to someone. This helps me because I feel like sometimes I think faster than I type, lol.

Last night as I was pulling out, she was pulling in. I was hoping I would get out before she got home. I had left a note as we always do, saying I would be back later. I stopped, since she was there, and told her I would be back later. Asked how her meeting went. It was a brief interaction, because I kept it short. This past summer, I broke my cell. I did not get a new one because of cost. She is a spender, so I never felt we could afford for me to get a new one, despite her spending. But contract on one line was at an end. I figure I will need one no matter what happens. So, I went and got one. I was ready to spend a couple hundred. That is huge because I am tight with money. Somehow, I only ended up spending 50, some weird deal that worked out great. I felt so good about doing it, because I was going to spend that money I was holding onto for something I wanted. Something I had held off getting myself for along time.
unfortunately, I had to call her to get our PW for the account, I had hoped not to say anything about where I was.

Today her note congratulated me on getting the phone. She also sent me a few text asking me how I was liking it. She also gave me her schedule for the day. This was weird. Her texting, and asking me about the cell. It was positive, but still felt weird. I left before she got home, saying I would be back tonight. I went to my moms, and spent the day helping her out, and having a lunch. I had been putting that off for awhile, but it got me out, and was some good hard work. She again texted and asked if I wanted anything from the grocery. She hates the grocery, lol, and never goes. I did the grocery shopping in our house. I said no and thanked her for asking. When I got home, she told me about her day, I showed her the phone. We joked a little. It felt almost normal. But then I could feel her pull back from talking. After awhile she said she was going to bed.

I have to keep pulling myself back to the moment. Staying present, in the here and now. Not worrying about what might or could happen. Two things loom ahead, one is the super bowl, I invited some people. Assuming she would not be here, but now she might be. I may just relocate the viewing to one of their houses and go there. Because my sister, who knows what is happening would be there, and it was awkward with her and my sister during the last game. So I don't know what her plan is.

The other, which is bigger is V day. I have always made a big production on this day. I am trying to think to much about this, but there is a lot of advertising throwing it back in my face. Will she go out with him, will she stay her and we will just pretend it is any other day. I wont be doing anything for her. I thought maybe if she does go out, I might go take my mom out. Since she is alone. I don't know. But I am alone right now and venting. I am bringing myself back now, cant worry about that, focusing on now.

I actually felt pretty good today. I am staying for the most part in the here and now. Not worrying about the future, but rather what I can do right now for me. It was a nice day, I had a good time taking care of things I had put off at moms house. IC was good. I ate, which has been hard, and played with my phone. the phone was a big thing for me. I have a few plans this week to do a few things I have wanted to do for years. I am pretty excited about that. Just taking it day by day moment by moment.

I'm going to tell you something that may hurt now but will help you later. You ALREADY lost her. Once the WAS BD's, they're already gone. Your goal is not to restore your M. You have to look at it as dead and gone. This is a wakeup call that you have to pursue a new path, make yourself into the person you never thought possible. Better, stronger, more attractive, more independent. Grieve the loss of your M and then get busy making yourself into the spouse only a fool would leave. When you do THAT, THEN she might look back. And if she does, your goal is to create a NEW R and M with her, not restore the old one.

I'll be honest, I have thought a lot about that 2nd sentence today. It was hard to hear that and has been difficult to digest. I guess I still have some denial there. I am trying though to take all of this here, in.

[inafog]

The hardest part for me is wondering what's the truth and what's a lie. I cannot figure out if W is trying to fix M, deciding if she wants to fix M or buying time for convenience. Maybe saving money or meeting with lawyers. Ugh. The truth is in her phone. I know. Focus on me as it doesn't really matter what's she's doing. I can't control it. I cannot even enjoy some good signs as I feel she wants something in return. Usually does. Am I being played? I think our sitch are kind of alike. I feel your pain.