Wouldn't wish this on anyone

[artsy]

New to the forum- H left 12/16.

I have been reading and reading and can't find any other stories similar to mine. Hopefully someone can offer advice for my sitch!

H told me he was unhappy 8/13. said he's "numb". I owned the complaints he had and started IC immediately and started changes . Things got better, but I intercepted a text to one of his friends that he was leaving me soon 12/13. He admitted his plan, ILYBNILWY speech, etc.

The next day he starts questioning his decision. A LOT of crying, wanted me to tell him what to do. I stayed relatively calm, told him he needed to decide for himself. He left to live with a friend the next day.

Saw him several days before Christmas, a lot of crying each time. He spent Christmas and New Years with his parents in FL. He came back last weekend and we had a 3 hour talk. This is the gist:

He has hope for US. Loves me more than he has ever loved another woman. We agreed to start having fun again- he called it dating, I did not.

We are still separated. I got the Post office notification that he changed his address today. I saw him yesterday and he told me he loved me.

WHAT DO I DOOOOOOO?????? Is there anyone out there who can relate to this?
_________________________
Me: 38
H: 45
Second marriage for both
H living at friend's house 1/2014
M:3.5. T:5

[AnotherStander]

Well you're seeing some good signs, he's obviously torn about leaving. Have you read DR? Are you familar with Sandi2's 37 Rules? Read those rules every day and live those rules! Give your H time and space, he is on his own journey. Don't pursue him. You cannot help him or speed up the process. He was unhappy or else he wouldn't have left, separation will hopefully show him that you were not the reason for his unhappiness. Once he realizes that then he can go about the difficult work of coming to grips with why he's unhappy and resolving that. Be patient, this is likely going to take much longer than you're expecting.

You might post more details regarding what you've done since he BD'd and what you've done since he left, it'll help us to point out to you what you're doing right and wrong.

[artsy]

Thanks for the reply, AS. I wasn't sure when my post would get out of moderation, so I'll fill in some backstory:

We had intense courtship- both fell in love easily. 1.5 years in, right at the time we got married my dr. Put me on antidepressants because I had major sleeping issues, etc that he felt might be mild depression. Result: killed my libido and made me a zombie. This obviously affected our R. By the time I got off them, the damage had been done and he had started to detach. He became someone who he has admitted he is not proud of (a lot of lying and doing stupid things). He gave ILYBNILWY speech this summer, I did slight 180's- he admits he saw improvements but too late.

Literally, 12 hours after he told me he was leaving, his whole demeanor changed. I think the fantasy wore off and reality hit. He tells me he loves me, but is terrified of getting hurt again ( I have heard "terrified" and "scared" many many times the past month).

I have read DB and DR- they are okay, but none of the scenarios fit mine. My 180's are: show tons of affection and become the pursuer. He literally told me he NEEDS me to show him affection, and he wants me to call, text, email, etc. BUT, is that really what I should do? The affection, I know he needs, but I don't want to become clingy with the contact. This is where I need some sage advice!!!

I have a DB coach- H says he wants to work on US, but we have not defined what that means, which is a problem. Right now he is hiding- working almost 18 hours a day to avoid having to really be in his own head. This will become a problem down the road, because I'm afraid he won't make any progress due to the avoidance.

Believe me, I know it's going to take time! I think it will be up to me to decide how much I can take, unfortunately. Hard to understand the thought process when WAS is telling you loves you bunches, but then walks out the door to go back to his hiding place!

[artsy]

He just left after we spent the day together- ate breakfast and then ran some errands. I kept it super light and easy breezy! I need to get back to my usually carefree self (darn near impossible when you're hurting like crazy, as everyone here knows).

We genuinely had a good time. As with every encounter, he hugs me, kisses me and tells me he loves me before he leaves.

He's not coming home any time soon- I know this will be at least 6 months, but am trying not to think about timelines. I can't wrap my head around the mentality of wanting to stay, but leaving any way (I know it's rooted in fear, but I don't think I could do it. Maybe he's actually stronger than I am...?)

So, I can only control me. I will carry on as if he's not in the picture until there is more interaction, I guess! (Way easier said than done!!)

[LITB]

Hi Artsy,

You have a unique sitch for sure. The first thing that jumps out at me, is that you H's words and actions do not align. He tells you one thing, yet does another. Which brings me to something you mentioned, "(a lot of lying and doing stupid things)" Curious to know more about the lying and stupid things.

I'm also curious to know what caused his first M/R to end. Did he end it? Did his X end it? Just trying to get a better idea if this is a pattern of his or if it is completely different reason. I realize that the meds you were on played a role to some degree.

Another thing you mentioned, is that your 180s are being more affectionate and being more of a pursuer. I'm not exactly sure what to think of that, given your sitch. I don't think that it is something that would encourage him to come back and commit if you are meeting those needs. I suppose you will have to monitor the effectiveness of those actions and adjust accordingly.

My questions about you:

What are your 180s outside your interactions with your H?

Are you GAL? If so, what?

What is different about you today, from when you met your H? What attracted your H to you?

What is different about you today, from when he moved out?

Outside of the meds, are there any other issues that you can identify and address if you haven't already? Perhaps things your H complained about.

I think these questions will help us to help you.

Ben

[AnotherStander]

Result: killed my libido and made me a zombie. This obviously affected our R. By the time I got off them, the damage had been done and he had started to detach.

How long were you on them?

He became someone who he has admitted he is not proud of (a lot of lying and doing stupid things).

I too would like to know what these things were, are you talking about an affair, overspending or what? These are things that might tell us if your H is MLC.

He gave ILYBNILWY speech this summer, I did slight 180's- he admits he saw improvements but too late.

They ALWAYS say it's too late. Every reconciled LBS has heard that from their WAS at some point.

My 180's are: show tons of affection and become the pursuer. He literally told me he NEEDS me to show him affection, and he wants me to call, text, email, etc. BUT, is that really what I should do?

Normally it is definitely NOT what you should do, in fact it's the opposite of what you should do. However, your coach may advise differently. DO WHAT YOUR COACH SAYS! The coaches are better at getting into important details with you in a short timeframe and will tailor their advice to your specific sitch. We try to on the forums as well, but coaches can cut to the important details in minutes on the phone while it takes hours or days of writing back and forth on the forums.

I have a DB coach- H says he wants to work on US, but we have not defined what that means, which is a problem. Right now he is hiding- working almost 18 hours a day to avoid having to really be in his own head. This will become a problem down the road, because I'm afraid he won't make any progress due to the avoidance.

Yup, I agree with you. If he commits to really working on things, MC is a must. We also recommend Retrouvaille (Google it) a lot too. But he has to want to go!

[artsy]

Thanks, AS-
I responded about his bad behavior in another post (still in moderation, so no idea when it will show up...) at first I was convinced he was MLC, and then I decided it doesn't matter because there's nothing I can do, either way!

My coach also said to disregard trying to diagnose the problem- it doesn't matter. DB coach agreed my 180's have to include affection- it is his LL. Period.

I am not going to bring up any kind of counseling or therapy- that needs to come from him. I go for myself. He knows I go.

I have decided I am not initiating contact any more, even though he said he wants to. Too bad, buster!

I cycle through emotions rapidly right now, I am extremely angry tonight.

FYI: I asked H a question about something today and his response was :" you're still my wife!" In a tone of disbelief, as if it was ridiculous I would ask... WHAT?!?!

Must be nice to be able to disregard all of your responsibilities and "find yourself".

I'm starting Alanon meetings Friday. I'm getting off this roller coaster.

[artsy]

Oh- I know way more about MLC than I would ever want to: I'm an OT student and we just studied it last semester... I also did my own intensive research the last month and belong to an MLC forum (which I'm sure others on here do, too).

I say it doesn't matter if it's MLC because the issues are the same (there is obvious depression, and he is very forthcoming about his own demons).

I came to this forum for hope: I stopped posting on the other forum because those sitch's were so extreme... I just needed another view.

DB coach said to not worry about it, either. Bottom line: he's on his own and I need to work on me.

Just wanted to clarify that... Lol

[artsy]

Ok- I'm finally off moderation, it appears- yeah!!! Lol

I went to my first Al-Anon meeting. It was a disaster! After 10 minutes it became obvious I was in the wrong meeting. I was in the AA meeting, the one I wanted was next door. Wellllll, I was too embarrassed to get up and walk out so I say there and they made the while meeting about me! They kept calling on me, asking me to read, thanking me for being brave... It was awful. Afterwards a man tried to reassure me that it gets less awkward with time, so untold him my mistake and he walked me to the correct meeting. I apologized profusely, as I felt I violated their privacy somehow, but they all understood. My goodness! At least I know for sure where I'm going next time!!

Still angry today, which bothers me. I'm tired of letting his behavior affect my emotions. Although it is helping me detach in other ways. I'm going to be writing another hateful letter tonight!! (And then promptly ripping it up)

[artsy]

Sorry for all the typos- apparently my thumbs are bigger than I like to think they are!
It seems at least one of my posts is missing: to answer a couple questions...

His bad behavior involved lying about his whereabouts and other stupid minor things. Included in this was an EA.

I was on ADs for 2 years. I have been off if them now for almost a year and a half.