Everything Cat wrote coulda been written to me too. That's me. I own it.
For me, the pleading and the impulsive regurgitating of emotions to someone who has made it clear--he's can't handle it and doesn't want to--for me it's about being abandoned again. It's a feeling of helplessness... of loving someone, again, who can't love me back in the way I need him to. It's me beating my head against a brick wall until I'm bloody because I so desperately need someone to hear my pain and stop hurting me. I'm asking someone to HEAR ME. Which is really ironic because I think that's what my H is wanting too. Our pain gets in the way of us really hearing each other.
This could be me too, everything you said. Time to stop feeling abandoned and be OK.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I feel driven for the R talks because I want things to be over, happy, normal, peaceful. Even if anything I said appeared to change his mind, I know now that it would only be because I 'forced' him to do this and not because he wanted to, so in reality things would not change or be different or be any better than they are now. It would only be temporary and false. I think this is what happened the last time we went through a crisis. He came back but really wasn't happy with his decision.
He NEEDS to have his own private journey to find peace within himself. Let him do that Pud, let him do that. Release.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
I want it over too. Boy, can I relate. Just get over whatever this is and come back to me. About a month ago, I lost myself completely and, if he had given me the chance, I would have begged. Luckily, he didn't give me the chance. He can't or won't hear my pain right now. He's unable to hear it, right now.
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Even if anything I said appeared to change his mind, I know now that it would only be because I 'forced' him to do this and not because he wanted to, so in reality things would not change or be different or be any better than they are now. It would only be temporary and false. I think this is what happened the last time we went through a crisis. He came back but really wasn't happy with his decision.
Yep, and last time, I forced his return too. It was all under my "stipulations." I don't want it that way, this time, either. I enforced drug tests and acted the meeting and therapy Nazi. Not gonna do it that way again. If he wants this, he needs to figure it out on his own.
I don't know that I agree with the last statement about him "not being happy about his decision." How do you know? I'm not sure it's so simple either. Part of him probably was happy, but still couldn't fend off the pain. The way you put it, it sounds like he wasn't happy with you--but, that's not it at all. The pain just surfaced again and he was tired or couldn't fight it like he did last time.
We're getting there Pud. :-) I hope you take it easy some today.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
I know I say things and get emotional to have some affect on people and no, I don't understand why as a grown-up I still do this. It has always been the only way I knew how to get people to really listen to me. I want it to stop. I just don't know how. How do I apply this? What things do I need to do to change this dynamic in myself? My mind really does not grasp this at all and how to do it.
I can only work on the M if I first work on saving myself.
Talk less, listen more. Stop trying to "get" H to listen to you. Stop "working on the M". It's not working. Your head knows you can't fix this, your job now is to convince your heart. I don't know what will work for you, but I know you WILL figure it out.
I like to tell myself that by pulling back and giving space, I AM actually giving my M the best shot. It's counter intuitive, but once our spouses are "done", oh so true.
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I feel driven for the R talks because I want things to be over, happy, normal, peaceful. Even if anything I said appeared to change his mind, I know now that it would only be because I 'forced' him to do this and not because he wanted to, so in reality things would not change or be different or be any better than they are now. It would only be temporary and false. I think this is what happened the last time we went through a crisis. He came back but really wasn't happy with his decision.
He NEEDS to have his own private journey to find peace within himself. Let him do that Pud, let him do that. Release.
You're having some great revelations here, Pud. Bust On, you can do this!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
We are getting there Heather, just takes a lot of work on ourselves which is hard to do sometimes.
FY, yes I agree. The things that I wrote were more realizations of things I do or did and realizing I can do nothing about him or our marriage. I can begin to let go and work on myself, the only thing I have control of is wonderful me.
Knock my head a couple of times and I get it. Ok, a couple thousand times. I'm with ya FY.
Me:49 H:47 S: 16 T:27 M:25 My EA: 2001 His PA: 10/2007, 6/2013 Separated, but H still in house
Find your Shambala: a place of peace and happiness.
Cat, I haven’t had R talks with my H since last October. Did anything change in my sitch? Nope. Today he came and we just did business and small talk. Was it DB? Absolutely, according to the rules. But, and I know you don’t like this word, is there any hope for change? Nope! He likes the status quo. And he is not going to do anything.
I agree, that being emotional doesn’t help the sitch, but it is better than nothing, like in my. Pud’s H hasn’t left yet. And at least she got her emotions out. I think I should do the same, because there is nothing to lose for my anymore. I cannot let H to eat his cake anymore. I think what Pud feels as well.
Pud, I don’t really know what kind of advice I want to give you. I’m just getting disillusioned with the whole DB principle. My H doesn’t fit it, period. I would still maintain my dignity and not beg, plead, or present myself as a victim. I’m better than that. And if he thinks he can find a better person to handle his crazy personality, I wish all the best.
Hang in there. I’m sure all the advice here is great. You just need to decide for yourself what you can tolerate and what cannot. And I think you are doing just that. (((((hugs))))))
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
I agree with your insight and appreciate your frankness, cat.
I know I say things and get emotional to have some affect on people and no, I don't understand why as a grown-up I still do this. It has always been the only way I knew how to get people to really listen to me. I want it to stop. I just don't know how. How do I apply this? What things do I need to do to change this dynamic in myself? My mind really does not grasp this at all and how to do it.
I can only work on the M if I first work on saving myself.
Pud, I feel your pain and your struggle. I just wanted to share a few thoughts.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. We all do this so don't feel bad, but this is a time for US to change how we act and respond. So how do we do that? First is to recognize our feelings, emotions, habits when we start having them. I bet you know when they are coming and you know how things are going to go before they begin. This is a critical time to catch ourselves and it isn't easy. To prepare, decide on one thing you will do differently. Make it something small. The first time, the change may even come easy. What is hard is to keep doing it EVERY time. This how we change and how our spouses see this change. Once one change becomes habit, try adding another change. Keep them small, they will be easier to remember and do. Experiment from time to time and monitor the results. I know in my case, disagreements and arguments are not the same for me.
As an example, when I first started using a credit card, I blindly signed the receipts, never bothering to check the total was correct. What did I do? I started forcing myself to circle the total before signing. This small change made sure I always checked the amount before signing. It was such a simple thing to do and I have been doing it ever since. I am no longer surprised and if something is wrong, I can catch it before walking out.
Cat, I haven’t had R talks with my H since last October. Did anything change in my sitch? Nope. Today he came and we just did business and small talk. Was it DB? Absolutely, according to the rules. But, and I know you don’t like this word, is there any hope for change? Nope! He likes the status quo. And he is not going to do anything.
I agree, that being emotional doesn’t help the sitch, but it is better than nothing, like in my. Pud’s H hasn’t left yet. And at least she got her emotions out. I think I should do the same, because there is nothing to lose for my anymore. I cannot let H to eat his cake anymore. I think what Pud feels as well.
Pud, I don’t really know what kind of advice I want to give you. I’m just getting disillusioned with the whole DB principle. My H doesn’t fit it, period. I would still maintain my dignity and not beg, plead, or present myself as a victim. I’m better than that. And if he thinks he can find a better person to handle his crazy personality, I wish all the best.
BF, I have not been at this as long as you, but I did want to share some thoughts.
First, have you tried DB telephone coaching? They really are good at helping us make changes and disrupt the status quo.
Second, DB is about us learning to make changes and that those changes will change the dynamic we have with our spouse. So what changes have you made or not made? This can become difficult after a while. I also have been stuck in an unpleasant status quo, but I have a plan to change that.
Third, DB is not a one size fits all. It is filled with techniques and approaches. It is up to us to discover which ones work and to use those that do. Stop chasing cheeseless tunnels. Try something new and monitor the results. If the results are negative, try something different. If the results are positive, keep doing it. Do you keep notes on your interactions?
I only want to help BF. I am still working on doing these things myself.
I don't tend to be an emotional person. My family just isn't like that. Which probably explains why when someone hits my last nerve, I fly off the handle. Not good either.
Don't stifle your emotions. That is so very unhealthy. Just try to channel them in another direction. R talks are not working. You know this because you have had many. So maybe when you want to be heard (even if by him), come and post here and pound on those computer keys. It isn't the same, I know. But, it might help to break your pattern and still serve your purpose - to be heard.
Bright and I are in much the same situation. Skippy is in the middle of these touch and goes and it is frustrating and annoying. Her H is doing the same. But neither of us has had the opportunity to have a R talk. Maybe because our partners are not around all the time.
Pud, saving your marriage is a worthy goal, but not at all costs. Find your balance. Let him swing in the wind for a bit and focus on you. Not just on changes you think you should be making to save your marriage, but dare to make future plans that do not include your H. One step at a time, dear Pud.
