Back Again!!

[tiredndrained]

I read the links a long time ago but I think it is probably a good idea to go back and reread it again.

Hanging on to the anger is the part I struggle with. You can probably sense that from my tone. How long did it take you to move on with all this and detach? I guess that is the hardest part?

[AJM]

Look, I still care about my ex. She is the mother of my kids and we were married for 20 years. I care that she is alright even if I don't know what that looks like. I don't know that that goes away. But I don't want to talk to her, see her, or really know anything about her or her life. I wish her well, but that's about the extent of it. I have my own things to do and be concerned about. I have my kids to be concerned about as well.

It took a lot of work and time to detach. I thought I was many times only to find that I was able to be dragged back in. When that was no longer possible, my daughter started up (teens ). It's a journey, but for a long while now I haven't been concerned about my ex or what she does or tries to do. It's got to the point it's not really even annoying when she tries to instigate.

The less I took the bait, the harder she tried. That made it difficult at first to see what was going on. But my goal was to release all of it. I said what I needed to say years ago. I stopped listening to what she said years ago. Over time, it became less annoying to read the emails and texts with the accusations and bile.

I had a great Christmas. It's been a great year. I struggle with ordinary life things like everyone else, but they are just that - life. I learned there are more important things than those bumps as we go along. Or rather, re-learned them. I was a mess for a while to be sure.

Detachment comes sooner if you start now. Don't boil the ocean or expect a pill or electroshock will immediately take it away. Chip away at it and before long it will be less of a mountain, right? Put another way, elephants are best eaten in small pieces.

For me, it helped to pick one thing, deal with it, resolve it for me (without her involvement) and then let it go never to look back. Once that was done, I took another item off the shelf and dealt with it the same way. I never took more than one, and I never stop doing it. Slowly and steadily I keep at it.

Moving on? That's a fallacy if you ask me. You never stop moving until you can't. It's not moving on to me, it's dealing with the issues at hand. More fluid than moving on would imply, and works better for me.

For each of us, it takes as long as it takes. But it goes faster if you get started

Make sense?

AJ

[tiredndrained]

Yea...makes sense...funny though, my H says some of those things to me and as if I am the one to blame. He leaves me vm bout caring for me, wishing me well...yada yada. I am the one texting and arguing with him but he really is the one that left and stuck me in this mess. I take some responsibility but he drags me in all the time. He acts as if he wants nothing to do with me then calls me and asks me if I miss him. Tells me he loves me. Says we will get back in a few years. Those are the things I need to detach from. Those are the little threads that keep me hanging.

I will try and make baby steps. Going to try and join some activities, figure out who I am and maybe go to a support meeting to get my head in the right place. I know we will never be together so looking back is pointless.

Glad you had a nice holiday!! It might seem as if I am only thinking about myself but I am not. I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your help with everything.

[AJM]

It doesn't really come across as thinking about yourself, Tired. It comes across as you are hurt, sad, and unsure of things. Understandably so. Just don't stay that way, right?

AJ

[mj0221]

I don't know how to copy and paste from previous posts yet so I will refer to one of your earlier posts.....I had to laugh at the comment of him expecting to divorce a few years then getting back together. My H doesn't do that so I can't relate on that. He sounds like he loves to keep you hanging on and I can see why it would really be hard for you to hear those things while trying to detach and heal.

I'm sorry the kids had to deal with H and his girlfriends. Then seeing him show up the next morning in the the same clothes. Sometimes I HAVE learned to roll my eyes to myself because I realize the things they do are CRAZY.

I know they are the messed up ones but it IS so difficult to not get sucked in to their antics and yours is definitely trying to keep doing that.

I feel like all I do work and take her to gymnastics. I do though have a group of friends from gymnastics, gym moms, who we go out to eat each week. We also hang out together every week because we are at the gym for many hours a week, however they are all married and stay at home moms. I signed up for a meetup group in another city because there wasn't one in mine but haven't gotten the courage to go yet. The support thing is also my downfall.

I did find a one time divorce class at another church in December that I attended. It was great. They have the divorce care class starting in jan. I would love to do it but it's the one night we don't have gymnastics. Find something and start small. I don't about you but I used to be the social one and hubby was the non social. In the past couple years I have become very private.....depression I'm sure so I need baby steps to get out and meet people.

[tiredndrained]

MJ..Same here!! We are a lot alike. I am very social and my H was always very antisocial. That is the strange thing. I have been so depressed that I am home alone not socializing and he running around with girls friends whatever.. This is a guy that had no friends for years.

on a side note, he has cut himself off from my family and his. His parents both pretty much abandoned him as a kid and he had a horrible childhood but for the past 15 yrs he has been working on a relationship with them. Then the past year he stopped and seems to be angry at them all over again as if it happened last week.

He just told me I am just angry and upset because he is so happy.I have to laugh as AJ says and read that comment from a distance. You left our beautiful house, friends, and family to live alone in a tiny apt in the ghetto. you moved an hour and half from everyone and never see your kids. From what the kids say your gf is in a really rough area over 2 hours away and this is where you spend most of your time now. You have no job, no money, and not even unemployment. And, he thinks I am jealous of him and angry at him for his supposed happiness...omg.. I seriously think he is insane!!

[AJM]

He just told me I am just angry and upset because he is so happy.I have to laugh as AJ says and read that comment from a distance. You left our beautiful house, friends, and family to live alone in a tiny apt in the ghetto. you moved an hour and half from everyone and never see your kids. From what the kids say your gf is in a really rough area over 2 hours away and this is where you spend most of your time now. You have no job, no money, and not even unemployment. And, he thinks I am jealous of him and angry at him for his supposed happiness...omg.. I seriously think he is insane!!

Maybe I've been here too long, but that so reminds me of Raine's situation and posts. It's not uncommon to hear them say how happy they are to their spouse. I laugh every single time I hear it, and I'm a little disappointed as well. I really do hope my ex finds peace and contentment. Happiness? Sure, but that's a temporary emotion that comes and goes for most people. I wish her better although I didn't always

You should check out Raine's posts. I think you'll find them interesting.

AJ

[tiredndrained]

AJ...I'm not sure if he is trying to convince me or himself about how happy he is. Either way unfortunately I'm really the unhappy one. Putting one foot in front if the other. Hoping he keeps his distance for a while so I can heal. Every time he comes around it sets me back. I'll check out Raines comments. While I don't wish this pain on anyone else I guess there is strength in numbers.

[AJM]

What if he's trying to convince you both? That would mean neither of you is happy, wouldn't it?

His happiness is his issue. Yours is more important to me at the moment. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and don't worry about him. Let him be the one to worry for him and heck, let him wonder about you.

Even if he doesn't physically keep his distance, you can still heal. I know. I've been there. It's slower if he's in and out of your life, but it's possible.

Keep your head up and work on you. Let the rest figure itself out, because you have enough to deal with right now, just dealing with yourself. Know what I mean?

AJ

[mj0221]

Does he pay you anything? H says he's happy also. One thing I have learned that I didn't know early on is yes my daughter was hurt and still is, she went to counseling and still goes once a month, but she is very strong....I am learning so much from her actually. She has a friend who's dad died when she was 2 and mom never remarried so D11 sees we can have a life and move on. Sometimes I think my daughters are stronger than me.

I hear your sons talk about going to their dads and as much as they don't like hearing about the ow they seem to also be doing fairly well. If they can do it we have to show them we can.

And yes your H....has checked out or something. No job, unemployment or anything.....don't let him get to you. I might would rather mine be broke. Mine has tons of money now because he doesn't pay for our household expenses. He just has a small apartment so it kills me knowing I'm struggling while he keeps all that money.

Oh and AJ, I have read Raine's threads I thought from start to present. Tired, you should read if you have not.