I'm kinda in the same boat so I just wanna warn you about something.
Your W may not want to discuss her C sessions with you. This is very unnerving. You don’t know if C is helping or hurting your cause. There may be times when you think your W’s C is sinking your M and you may want to interfere.
Don’t touch it, Jeff. You’ll only make matters worse.
I’ve been DBing for over two years. In all that time, my W never mentioned D. After her third C session, my W said that her C told her that we should inform the kids that we’re having difficulties. After her fourth session, she broached the subject of D.
This was the only feedback I got about the C. I had the good sense not to pursue it but I still worried about what W’s C was telling her.
Well, lately W has told me of her regrets for some of the ways she’s been treating me. She’s also admitted that I’m a “good H” and did a complete about turn on some of her criticisms of me.
I still don’t know where this is going, but it seems more positive.
My point is this. Had I tried to argue with what I thought my W was learning from her C, I would have sabotaged the whole works.
So sit tight and wait it out. Don’t jump to conclusions and hope for the best.
Your experience may be completely different, but I just thought I’d give you a heads-up on what may be coming your way.
TTFN,
Andy, after reading what you wrote to jeffh, I realized that as I was posting my anxiety of W going to her C, that you were living my greatest fear! So I need to express I have the deepest sense of gratitude for your help while going through such pain. Thank You. You also have my admiration for your ability to sense what direction needs to be taken and the fortitude to see it through.
I don't feel that I am so bold and am extremely lucky to have you to guide me. This weekend was a struggle as none I've experienced in nearly a year! There was another C session on Saturday. Afterwards we did some shopping and a picnic in a park with trails. After lunch we hike the trail to a pond full of duck, geese and swans, even a couple of chicks. This would usually do the trick of brightening her mood, but not this time and all during the walk she keep her distance, even tried to discourage walking side by side. Through out the weekend there no sense of closeness at all! This was hard to take, after months of building towards drawing closer, to be ripped apart! Saturday, evening I pushed a little by mentioning that I hadn't received a hug all day. She bowed her head forward and said, "There are no hugs in there." After struggling with a follow up question, trying to choose my words carefully, I asked, "Is everything between us still alright?" She wanted to know why I had asked and I said because you said there were no hugs in there. She replied with "They're just sleeping."
By Sunday, I decided to start tearing out the stumps of thoses birch trees in order to focus my energies away from W while she was curled up in bed. I couldn't help but keep thinking she was contemplating an escape from me. I so desperately wanted to do something!! To find a way to start a dialog. Knowing that in the face on not knowing what to do that would bring me closer to what would work, I need to do nothing, but doing nothing didn't seem to be working either. Then I started remember the words you wrote to me Andy. That gave me the strength to carry on doing nothing until something would present itself.
Sunday night, just before going to sleep, she mumbled, "I want to go away." I'm thinking wildly, I need her to talk to me, how do I get her to open up! Then the question comes to me! "What makes you say that?" She responded! Slowly a trickle of what has been going on with W was released.
Jethro, you were right, my W is the throes of another bout of depression. I feared she was tip-toeing the edge of the abyss, but it worse as she has been sensing being pulled towards it. I found out she has not moved forward with selecting a new psychiatrist or going to an endocrinologist. Her excuse ... she lost the list I printed for her. I got on-line right away and printed another list, then complied to her request to remain by her side.
So Andy again I must say Thank You. Again, my imagination took me down the wrong path, which if I acted upon it would had definately made things worse. We still have a struggle before us, but now we can work at it with a unified front rather than having it pull us apart.
Quoting Andy: Well, lately W has told me of her regrets for some of the ways she’s been treating me. She’s also admitted that I’m a “good H” and did a complete about turn on some of her criticisms of me.
I still don’t know where this is going, but it seems more positive.
I'm so glad to hear this. Sounds like she is starting to open her eyes. It could lead to her taking those blinders off entirely. Then all the DBing you've done for the past two years can finally come to fruition. I keep such great hopes that soon it will all work out for you. Keep the faith...you made me a believer.
Hi Sue, W says she didn't have a very happy childhood. Didn't feel all that close to her parents. Still has repercussions to this day as she & her parents continue to drift further apart.
I also think D17's departure from home has a lot to do with how she assess her self worth as a mother and could have been largely what contributed to the landmine that went off.
Her opening up some last night, allowed me to finally piece together all that has happened in the last week. Trying to figure most of this out on my own certainly seems the more difficult road to take, than clueing me in from the get go...
KAW..I am happy to hear your w opened up a little...that is a good step. I am sure all of the stuff with your d17 must play into a lot of what your w is dealing with. I can't imagine how your w must feel knowing that what occurred between them had something to do with her leaving...that is a heavy burden to carry...I hope your w can also get the depression under control. I have a hard time understanding it, the old me would think they should just snap out of it, I now know it is not like that.
You are doing great...you have stood by your w through all this when many would turn and run.
Quoting hoping: You are doing great...you have stood by your w through all this when many would turn and run.
Sue
Yup!
All ya gotta do is outlast her, KAW. Or more accurately, you gotta outlast her depression. Sometimes I think that DB, in and of itself, doesn’t do the most to save our marriages. The courage it gives you to stick with it does.
Of course, tenacity doesn’t make things work. But when you DB in order to find what works, and when you stick with it for long enough, your chances are much better than if you muddle along doing what doesn’t work and then throw in the towel too early.
But KAW. Don’t go throwing a halo over my head. This isn’t easy for me, and has become even harder. Sometimes I wonder if I would have stuck it out this long if I truly thought I had a choice. Because short of skipping the country to leave my W and four kids high and dry, I don’t have any way to escape my M. Even if I wanted to.
Quoting Andy: ...you gotta outlast her depression.
Yea... I probably should turn this into my motto!
Its been a better week. W did see our family doctor in the interm until she arranges an appointment with a psychiatrist. He put back on Prozac (Pharmacist gave the generic version again) and gave her a script of Wellbutrin (sp?). She had it filled and has been taking it for a couple of days. It does have a side effect of making her hyper, which is not good a night when trying to sleep. I made a couple of suggestions towards adjusting when she takes it to minimize this during the night, but she decided to try doing without the second dose. As far as I know she hasn't made the appointment with the endocrinologist either and there is a four month waiting list, but will not bring this up again until next week sometime.
Too soon to tell, but there has been more smiles and loving kisses came back this week. She has become a little clingy asking me to remain by her side all week at night even after she falls asleep. Last night, she practacally laid on top of me as if to pin me down as I watched TV while she fell asleep. Its OK for now...
Hi KAW..we are all slipping to page 3 and 4..is that a good sign??? Hope things are going ok for you and your wife. So she pinned you down.....hmmmmm sounds ok to me. Take care
Kinda been laying back from the board a bit to refocus on job and home life to help keep on top on my game. Been much more active this year than in the past couple of years with has boosted my PMA some.
However, on the R front in the last few weeks has been so-so. Since the first C session about a month ago there's been a gradual but steady pulling back by W even tho she has seen C only one more time and then for the last two weeks she hasn't gone.
This had led to me doing a major backslide Sunday and stepping on another landmine.
I worked on a lot of projects this weekend and in my "spare" time I helped with my W's project of wanting to steam clean the carpets in the living room and bedroom, but the help wasn't reciprocated. The only relaxation I had was the hour I took at the rivershore after picking up some grass seed as my W was taking a nap when I left.
D9 was a big help all weekend tho. In fact, she was helping me as I was trying to finish up the tasks and get everything put away as the sun had already sunk below the horizon and D9, all of a sudden, disappeared and I was left to do it all. When asking D9's friend where she went, she replied her mom called her in to take a bath. I went inside to find W laying on the bed and D9 in the tub. I expressed that I was annoyed with her not checking with me if I still needed help before calling D9 away and yes I probably to be annoyed because I do have a difficult time letting go of the scorecard, but I was alright up to then since I was at least able to get some help from someone else until she pulled that away too.
KaaaBOOOM!
The old preceptions came back. She felt I was yelling at her and she started sulking. While I was annoyed, I was careful not to conduct myself as coming across as "yelling" at her, however, it didn't seem to matter. After a while, she said she may have read to much into what I said because she has been very emotional lately, but it still hurt and asked that I leave her alone for now.
So I'm in the "doghouse". She's been distancing big time. She was quiet yesterday until I asked about her day. Spent most of the evening with D9 helping her clean her room. Watched a little TV with W, offered to hold her hand, but she didn't bite.
Looks like I have some more work on myself to focus on and now I have some more time to do it...
KAW - sorry that you hit another dip on the roller coaster.
Like the other bump that you had recently with W, I am guessing that this will resolve itself over time - hopefully sooner rather than later. Concerning what your W said about being "very emotional lately" - can you recall when she acted this way in the past and if she gave any signs that her "stage" was changing?
Extend those DB feelers out to W on occasion while you focus on yourself and D9 more. Wish that the Army would loan you one of their heavily armored minesweepers to clear a path for you!
Quoting ANewBob: Concerning what your W said about being "very emotional lately" - can you recall when she acted this way in the past and if she gave any signs that her "stage" was changing?
Yea! When OM was in the picture and at the end of the day yesterday, I came across some circumstancal evidence that he may be back in the picture again!
I'm facing nose-to-nose with a landmine waiting for a BIG KABOOM!!!
The timing and the pieces are starting to fit to paint a new picture! I'm having my doubts to whether I'm going to tiptoe myself out of this field?!
Sorry to see that you've been in the DH lately. If anyone can pull it together, you can. You're the best DB'er I know. You're sitch is on such a different level from mine that I can't offer anything as far as suggestions but i wanted you to know that I know you'll pull through. Put on the flack jacket, take what comes and deal with it in way that I know you're capable of. Best of luck my friend.
So I need to express I have the deepest sense of gratitude for your help while going through such pain. Thank You. You also have my admiration for your ability to sense what direction needs to be taken and the fortitude to see it through.
This was hard to take, after months of building towards drawing closer, to be ripped apart! Saturday, evening I pushed a little by mentioning that I hadn't received a hug all day. She bowed her head forward and said, "There are no hugs in there." After struggling with a follow up question, trying to choose my words carefully, I asked, "Is everything between us still alright?" She wanted to know why I had asked and I said because you said there were no hugs in there. She replied with "They're just sleeping." 
That gave me the strength to carry on doing nothing until something would present itself.
She's been distancing big time. She was quiet yesterday until I asked about her day. Spent most of the evening with D9 helping her clean her room. Watched a little TV with W, offered to hold her hand, but she didn't bite. 
Concerning what your W said about being "very emotional lately" - can you recall when she acted this way in the past and if she gave any signs that her "stage" was changing? 