Husband says he doesn't love me anymore

[Positivespin]

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Your ONLY job right now is to first protect yourself- then regain strength and confidence so that you can be an even MORE amazing woman. Again, you will be the person only an absolute fool would leave.

The BS with your SIL is noise...dont get dragged in! You know the truth.....show grace

One thing I learned HARD about a spouses infidelity- your gut knows the truth- Please do not dig to confirm..it will only hurt you. He will become sloppier and sloppier with hiding it. Trust me it becomes an embarrassing, almost funny, game after awhile.

From this point forward only do what YOU want to do. He wants to be single- let him be single. You are under no obligation to attend any social functions with him- and NO guilt! Going with him will not bring him back. There is nothing you can do to save this marriage in a healthy way right now. This is about the future.

I WANT TO GO TO PARIS NEXT

You ARE strong enough!

[wnycindy]

PA I only have a moment but wanted to tell you that your responses to
Really encourage me. Thank you for that. I'm focusing on myself so much right now, it's kind of nice

[AnotherStander]

I got the job I wanted! So, I feel a bit more confident about being able to support myself and my daughter. The money is great, but to start it has no benefits or pension. Its a real opportunity though. Im feeling back on track. Proactive.

AWESOME news!! Congrats!!

Yesturday my husband told me that when he told his family we were divorcing, his sister immediately piped up that I had cheated on him in Paris (she came with) . Thre is NOTHING that could be further than the truth.

Don't start believing any of the junk that comes out of your WAH's mouth now!

I cannot for the life of me imagine why she would say such a horrible thing, given that we have shared many confidences.

Your H said it. There is no telling what (if anything) she told him, but I would be inclined to dismiss it outright.

It ended up with me in tears and him name calling me all of the things he always does.

He was calling you names? Because you defended yourself? Welcome to the crazy-train.

Creating distance just got easier. I dont know today where i want to go with this marriage - but I do know that I am done with this. I dont want this garbage in my life. i am focusing on other healthier things.

Sometimes stuff like this has to happen before the LBS finally learns to detach. You're right, you don't need the garbage. Detach and leave him to his mess.

[wnycindy]

I thought I was doing better. But today I am lost. Just in a dark place. Im just frightened I think, of the future. Worry about my girl starting college in this upheaval - wishing we had not planned her early graduation, its just so much.

Its hard and frightening for her too. It was supposed to be exciting. Now there isnt anything to counter balance the anxiety - with so many new unknowns.

I continue to be astounded that he would make this decision at this particular time. And it makes me feel like I do not know him at all. Like he is an amimal.

Because of my concerns with my daughter and my new job - which is some distance from our home - big changes - I am vulnerable and holding it together - but he sees it. He is trying to negotiate with me, terms of divorce. I refuse to participate in the conversation. But I do know that he apparantly thinks he is still in charge here and that I will believe he is doing what is best for me - but I know, from speaking to my attorney, that he is planning on screwing me.

I just dont get it. He loved me. How is this possible.

[Roberta]

I suggest you call a Divorce Busting Coach to help you clarify your goals and come up with a real plan for the future. Our coaches will help you feel empowered. You know you will be doing everything humanly possible to help save your marriage and your family. Please call for information about our coaching program.
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[Positivespin]

This is a VERY hard two week period. If you can stay sane during this period its an achievement. Drink as liitle alcohol as possible right now!

You will survive this, you will regain control of your life


Baby steps

[25yearsmlc]

WELCOME TO A GREAT PLACE TO BE, FOR A LOUSY REASON...

This was a Godsend to me several years ago. Let it help you too.

I thought I was doing better. But today I am lost. Just in a dark place. Im just frightened I think, of the future. Worry about my girl starting college in this upheaval - wishing we had not planned her early graduation, its just so much.


For better or worse, many of your d's friends will have gone thru something like a divorce. She's not alone or even unusual, unfortunately.

Eventually, I hope she can have some sort of R with your h, regardless of what happens with the marriage. Does your h express ANY desire for a r with her?

Also, college is more than the first month or few, so she'll adjust. I assume she'll be in a dorm? Or an apartment? Does she know anyone where she is headed?

What are the good things about her near future? What is different now?

Let her have her social life, and goals for her future, and though you may want to share with her that you are DBing, it's not her job to do it; it's only yours.

You only have to tell her that you are not sure what you want yet, not that you want to "keep the family" together. Give her time...a lot of it. And no pressure on her to "make nice" b/c you don't want her to feel any responsibility for the divorce. ( It is fine to insist on some civility however).

PLEASE reassure her of HER future, for she is, like most freshman, filled with conflicting emotions. Fear is one of the things she feels, so the more you can encourage her that SHE and YOU will be fine, regardless of what some third party (i.e. your h) does or thinks or feels, the better for both of you.

Though she's a tad older than many kids in divorce, she still needs to know what is NOT going to change for HER. In other words, stress to her that HER LIFE is still going to go as She was planning. Nothing has changed her future so much as Yours...she will be fine. Be as reassuring to her as possible.

what WAS the r she had with your h?

Finally, I think where the head goes, the heart will follow (if we let it). Keep up the detachment work, see your h as the man he is now, NOT a great catch.

Let your head lead the way for awhile.

I suggest that b/c we LBSers often romanticize the marriage, sort of the inverse way the WAS makes it out to be all bad. They act as if they were never happy and sometimes, the LBSers act as if they were never unhappy. We gloss over their flaws and focus on OUR LOSS but that's not completely accurate.

your m has been unhappy for a long time. I know you still want to save it. I get that.

All I am saying is that if things go south, don't make it into something it had not been for a long time...ie happy.

You are losing a man who you MAY have lost long ago. Losing a man who lies and cheats and blames others...is not a big loss. I think your loss is of security and the future you HOPED for, with him. But,

You are GAINING self esteem and financial security, for you and your d. Think about those gains for a bit.




Its hard and frightening for her too. It was supposed to be exciting. Now there isnt anything to counter balance the anxiety - with so many new unknowns.



There ARE STILL Plenty of things for Her to be excited about. Not having h at the your new apartment or home when she returns...is that really going to "ruin" her college life? I think not. Don't let her freak herself out with that concern.

My d went off to college when I joined h in Alaska with youngest d. I'm sure my freshman d felt a bit unsupported by that; but she LOVED college and made friends pretty fast. Some of those friends are incredibly close to her now, some 6 years later.

If your d has social skills and or knows someone where she is headed, she'll be alright. Starting in January is a tad odd, socially. But I'm betting she had a plan. Let that plan STILL be the plan.



I continue to be astounded that he would make this decision at this particular time. And it makes me feel like I do not know him at all. Like he is an amimal.


All I can tell you is that I spent, or rather WASTED a solid year of my life trying to find answers to questions that usually have NO answers, or answers that are NOT satisfying. What a waste.

I wish I'd just started the focus on MY life and my kids, sooner.

Why? Two reasons.

First, if h and I had not ever reconciled, I would have moved forward in my life that much sooner.

Second, I happen to believe that detaching and moving forward, was key to my h beginning his turn around.

But don't detach FOR THAT reason; I'm simply noting it did nothing bad to our r, it helped it.

But even if it had not brought him closer, I was better off and so were my kids. That was my priority.

I suggest you make your d's transition as easy as possible, and to love YOURSELF as best you can at this time. She & You are the priority.

For now, pretend your h is in the Austrailian bush and you can't reach him for a long time...so don't bother trying...

he knows where you are and how to reach you.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.

Model that for your d. Someday she will be betrayed or face a huge setback, and she''ll remember YOUR choices and that's what we want her to choose when her time comes, correct?

A woman of dignity and grace in the face of betrayal...

but if you think your h has fixed all the cheating, I would have to wonder why you believe that and why you think money "made him fall out of love" with you.

Your h has a demanding as heck career (My h is an MD and I related a lot to your descriptions of being there for him, while having HIM resent YOU for not "doing enough"...what irony.)

and you were there for him. Stop being there for him now. Not saying "punish him" but saying, get real. He's leaving. He says he wants a divorce. Okay get out of his way and focus only on you.

Let him see you earn what YOU NEED to earn to support your d, and yourself. And get in shape and be the woman you were meant to become. Not for him. For you.

IF and when he changes his tune, you can have an open mind/heart. He knows how to pick up a phone.
But til if and when that happens, focus on YOU and only you and your d.

Make sense?



Because of my concerns with my daughter and my new job - which is some distance from our home - big changes - I am vulnerable and holding it together - but he sees it. He is trying to negotiate with me, terms of divorce. I refuse to participate in the conversation. But I do know that he apparantly thinks he is still in charge here and that I will believe he is doing what is best for me - but I know, from speaking to my attorney, that he is planning on screwing me.


avoid any and ALL discussions of money or divorce matters. That's why you both have lawyers. You want to keep all the ugly matters separated from YOU.

So if there is a tough discussion to have or mean things to say, you let your lawyer say them, not you.

But you are not a doormat, nor will you make your d's life harder by caving in to your h's unreasonable demands. Again, that's what your lawyer is for. You pay them well FOR a good reason. They get to have their hands dirty, not you.

YOU are a woman who has had an awakening...you are looking forward to your life for the first time in a long time. You are a woman of strength and dignity, and you are modeling this for your d.

You are not spending time hating or obsessing about him; you are not asking or pestering him for reassurances he cannot or will not give.

You are resigned to him making yet another mistake...too bad...for HIM...

And you are looking forward to being in charge of your life. Because you are!


I just dont get it. He loved me. How is this possible.

He may very well still love you, but his fears and resentments and guilt and God knows what else, covers it up well.

Loving memories will resurface in time, if you let them.

But as long as you challenge his choices; he'll feel forced to defend those choices.

Let him live with his choices and you turn your m over to God, when it gets to be too much.

I used to take showers (so the kids would not hear me) and say out loud "God, I turn my pain/anger and marriage, over to you" b/c it was too much for me.

I found that just thinking it, saying it and hearing myself say it out loud, helped me to detach, to let go of my h, b/c I truly had no control over what he did or said.

Don't think one sentence or gesture that you "get just right"- will make a real difference. Your h has his own journey, and you cannot steer it.

Stay on your own journey and don't get on his path. Do YOUR work.

Be upbeat b/c truly I believe with all my heart that in time, you will come to see your h's decision as a gift to you.
How can I say that?

b/c either he will awaken and change, and you two will reconcile,

OR, a lousy marriage with deceit and resentment filling both sides,
will have ended.

And neither of those^^ possibilities are bad. Neither are painless either, and Both options will take work on YOUR END.

But both options have big pay offs. Which means your future is up to YOU.

Make sense?

[Positivespin]

wny - Are you ok? Hope all is well

[melissag]

wny, I am new to your thread, but wanted to chime in, I hope things are going well for you and your D.

MLC, I always look for your posts bc, even though all sitches are a bit different, I can always find something - a fact, or a perspective, or something thought provoking - that helps me with my sitch. So thank you!