You're not even 5 weeks since BD, you're still in the early stage where emotions are hitting you like tidal waves. Have you read DR? If not then read it ASAP, it will give you plenty of hope. If you've already read it, then next I would suggest The Happiness Trap because it'll help you learn to deal with the crazy emotions you're going through.
It's OK to have breakdowns, but it's not OK to have them in front of your H or D. Save it for the drive home from work, or lock the bedroom and stuff your face into a pillow and let it all out. I used to cry all the way home from work (1/2 hour drive), pull it together long enough to talk to the kids a bit before going in my bedroom, locking the door and completely falling apart. Once I got it all out I would gather myself and go out and act "as if" in front of the W and kids. Over time the crying jags got shorter and shorter until I didn't need to cry anymore. It's all part of the recovery process.
Stop drinking for the near future- It will do you no good for the next several months.
Do you think you should still accompany your H to such events? What is best for YOU right now.
Its been a year for me and Christmas is still, by FAR, the hardest time Ive experienced.
Remember- Trying to make him happy now isnt going to make him not want to continue the process. FOCUS ON PROTECTING YOU!
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Thank you, I so appreciate hearing from others that my feelings right now are fairly normal. I have been wondering if I am crazy, manic, severely depressed, etc. I have never felt this way, its so....physical. Thank you.
Yes, I know. NO more drinking. It makes everything worse and further - it makes me feel more anxious the next day - I dont know why. I have too many balls in the air right now & it is difficult to keep focused. I cant be hung over or more anxious than I am. Besides - my entire family drinks and I think I may have a drinking problem.
So, just to make it all even better. Ive quit smoking as well. I had quit before but started again during this last hellish campaign. I hate it. I hate it. Im doing a vapor form of E-Cigs , and doing well with it. I know that still isnt good, but right now - believe me - its the best I can do.
I am trying so hard to find another job. And Im getting somewhere but meanwhile - I have to take all of this time off the job I already have, unpaid, to go to interviews. Oh, and register my daughter for college.
PERFECT FREAKING TIMING
OK - so according to you people - Im not crazy , my feelings are normal and will lessen and become easier to deal with. Alright thank you. Im counting at that and going to try to not be so hard on myself.
As I told you all earlier in my posts - my husband was a serial cheater during the forst half of our 8 year marriage. Since them, I had become obsessive in checking up on him and being suspicious. It actually became a habit, even though I think he stopped years ago.
More recently I asked here if I should tell him to change the password for our cell phone bill because I dont want to drive myself crazier right now in looking at it. It was suggested that I just choose to stop looking at it. So, I have.
Its a struggle today though. Priot ro BD Nov. 9th, he had developed a working relationship with a woman I know he liked and admired. She was helping him with his political campaign, and connecting him with others who were useful. i was suspicious, as usual , and checked his cell bill. There were an inordinate amount of calls between them & also some emails that were more personal than professional. I spoke to him and he told me he would not talk to her so much and keep it professional. The calls did decrease, although last I checked he called her every morning right after I left for work.
I know I have to Act As If, and Im definitely not bringing it up, checking up, or making it important to me as far as my plan and my 180.
BUT. Tonight, as part of a networking event for the JOB Im trying so hard to get - He and I are going, seperately because he has another event after. And Im pretty sure this other woman will be there. He initially said it wasnt important that I go, which is odd, because Im pretty sure it might be.
Im intimidated by her. Which makes me feel nervous and defensive. Ive been in this field long enough to fake my smiles, but ...this is so hard. It feels demeaning.
I dont know, maybe Im wrong and she wont be there. Maybe Im wrong and they only have a working relationship. Either way - I know I have to put my feelings aside . Again.
Im continuing to read and reread DR and am embracing that in my marriage and in my life - I would rather be happy than right.
On another note. I told him that it was just too emotionally difficult for me to attend his families holiday functions with what is happening. Because it would be rude and a huge red flag for my daughter and I not to be at his Moms on Christmas Eve - he told her 2 days ago that we are divorcing.
Im trying to not let it bother me. I dont think that anyone in his family will be happy with this , nor do I think they would persuade him to rethink.
So, last night. I talk in my sleep commonly and he told me this morning, laughing, that I said " But my dog is small" and I replied that I had been dreaming of looking at an apartment that would not take my dog. He made a sad face.
That is truly the only "good" sign I have had.
Meanwhile he and my daughter are brutal to each other and thats a whole other issue that Im not sure how to deal with.
I have been wondering if I am crazy, manic, severely depressed, etc. I have never felt this way, its so....physical. Thank you.
We definitely all go through it! For me the depression hit full force about 6 weeks after BD. I have no idea why the delay, but when it hit, it hit BAD. I couldn't function at work or at home. I also had anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. After a few days I knew it wasn't something I'd be able to tackle myself, so I went to the doc and got on anti-depressants. They helped get me back on track. Many others here have taken A/D's as well. So yes, what you're going through is normal, but if you find you just cannot get out of the depression on your own then seek out counseling and/ or medical help.
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Oh, and register my daughter for college.
PERFECT FREAKING TIMING
Try to get your D to start pitching in on stuff like that. It's part of the "growing up" process. In the months leading up to college W and I both worked on making D19 more independent- we had her wash her own clothes, do her own college paperwork, start doing errands for us to help out, etc.
I went to the event, arrived before he did, and spoke to everyone I needed to before he got there. When he arrived he greeted me with a kiss just for show in front of the constituents. I told him I had already done my thing and would be leaving. He was surprised by my coolness I know. I told him I had been thinking about things and would talk to him sometime soon. He looked about to cry.
I left feeling really good about his reaction .
When he came home I simply told him I did not want him to lose his house and wanted to start helping him pay some expenses. This whole conversation backfired on me and I shouldn't have begun it. He went onto to say I needed to save my money for the divorce. It went on for a bit, but didn't escalate. Still, made me sad instead of hopeful.
Today I came home, having had a stressful busy day. He asked, so I told him I needed some help with Christmas shopping. We figured it out and he asked for a hug , which I declined. I then cheerfully made dinner for my daughter and her boyfriend and husband left for another event.
I'm praying for wisdom and calmness.
I love him and want to start this marriage over from a new beginning.
But I'm pissed today. That right after 8 months of a hellish campaign and in the midst of my daughter graduating high school early and starting college the same week and my changing jobs....never mind the holidays...he decides to divorce me.
Husband has been asked to perform the marriage ceremony for some friends at their home on New Year's Eve. He didnt ask me to join him, but he asked if I WANTED to join him. I could tell it was because he felt sorry for me. I have no holiday plans really. All of my social plans have revolved around him for the past 8 years.
I certainly do not want him feeling sorry for me! First because...I just dont want his sympathy and next because I dont want to push him away by making him feel guilty.
So, I told him NO thank you, but that he should go because it is an honor to be asked.
New Year's Eve we got engaged.
Im going to make some plans. I hope he accepts too because, geez - wouldnt that make him, I dont know, THINK? But again, I dont want to do the guilt thing. Thats a 180 for me.
I got the job I wanted! So, I feel a bit more confident about being able to support myself and my daughter. The money is great, but to start it has no benefits or pension. Its a real opportunity though. Im feeling back on track. Proactive.
Yesturday my husband told me that when he told his family we were divorcing, his sister immediately piped up that I had cheated on him in Paris (she came with) . Thre is NOTHING that could be further than the truth. Fidelity is of utmost importance to my persoanl integrity & my husbands constant infidelity is what created the the destruction of our relationship.
I cannot for the life of me imagine why she would say such a horrible thing, given that we have shared many confidences.
It hurt me. My husband said he didnt believe her. But I was angered that such a discussion would even be entertained & that he would allow it.
It ended up with me in tears and him name calling me all of the things he always does.
Creating distance just got easier. I dont know today where i want to go with this marriage - but I do know that I am done with this. I dont want this garbage in my life. i am focusing on other healthier things.
And I can. I AM strong enough. I am feeling just a little bit like the woman I used to be.
