My wife said to me two days ago, after a couple months of discussions about where our relationship was going that 'she feels disconnected from the marriage and is done'. I asked at that point where we would go from there and she responded that 'she was ok with the living arrangements'.
We have gone to marriage counseling twice in the past, both times gaining something, mostly on how to communicate better. The first time she basically sounded like she does now, the second was more the result of an EA/internet deal with one of her old boyfriends.
I have read DB and am trying to integrate that into my life by GAL and detaching. I haven't resorted to any pleading, rationalizing, or basically any in depth discussions. I am now even wondering if it isn't best that we do split. Pretty confused, pretty upset, pretty unsure of what to do next.
Just now she went to bed but before she did she held out her hand for me to hold for a moment. What does that mean? We also scheduled ourselves to go to a christmas party next week that we have always went to in the past.
It is like the same life but without sex and seemingly no future. Very confusing. Not sure if I am detaching by avoiding relationship conversations or being a doormat.
Any input would be appreciated.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
How long have you been together? any kids? You sound like your resigned to the fact that it might be over- just dont know what to do next.
What do you want? From what you wrote it sounds like you are either a VERY passive individual or your just kind of done.
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
Sorry you find yourself here. Please do post more information. What is the history with you two? What were the problems in the M?
Did you react to her BD at all? Of course you're not supposed to fight it by begging, pleading, etc. But is it possible that she was really looking for you to step up and say you want to save the M? I feel like that is an easy test that can be accomplished without too much further damage.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Our problems stem mostly from us not having a lot in common. I think that people not having things in common is quite possible but sometimes i wonder (and i think she does as well) whether it would be 'better', being with someone similar.
Our first round of counseling was centered around that concept and a lack of communication. How to say things like 'i feel' rather than 'you upset me when..'. Things got better for awhile. Part of it may be that i am a recovering addict (haven't drank in 18 years) and she had an eating disorder to the point she recently had bariatric surgery.
Addicts don't seem to address issues, as long as we get our fix we can ignore any problems. We used to let stuff build up for quite awhile. And even though i wasn't drinking, i think i found escapes in other things such as reading/vegging on tv and computer.
And of course, marriage is work. Trust me when i say i have had my fair share of laziness in maintaining this relationship. To be honest though, now that i have read DB, i see that i certainly put in a huge amount of energy doing things the same when they didn't work out the first time. Of course, my sponsor used to say that i think way to much, stop thinking, and do! So my 'analysis' may be right, may be wrong, and in some aspects it doesn't even matter......
I will ponder your questions and soon post another rambling. To be continued!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
It is possible she wanted me to step up/defend the marriage. Not really sure........Not really sure of what is going on. Today we spent all day together, ran errands, seemed to have fun. I did step up the first two times we have had these type discussions.
But I suspect if I asked her if she changed her mind she would say no. That is what i wonder about. I have been down this road before and if these are her thoughts maybe i should just let her go. Normally I am pretty articulate and can get my point across but I can't seem to make what i feel, understandable through these posts.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Today we spent all day together, ran errands, seemed to have fun. I did step up the first two times we have had these type discussions.
But I suspect if I asked her if she changed her mind she would say no.
You are correct. A lot of WAS's do this after BD. They go through the motions of being a good spouse. They continue doing things as a family, may even allow physical contant and even ML. But for now she is DONE and if you ask, she will confirm that. So don't read anything into her actions, they don't mean anything for now. Read and reread DR and put it into action. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules and live those tips! Good luck!
How do i detach when i still live with my wife? I have a pretty good grasp of the GAL, i think. How long do i wait to discuss our relationship, or do i just never discuss it unless she brings it up?
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I just received my copy of Mr. Nice guy as well. Are you doing the exercises as you go? Have you checked out the forum?
As many others say.....He wrote the book for me!
This is my 100% new area of focus. I need to be a strong MAN
P.S.- My X and I planned a vacation together...and went! The day we returned was the first night in separate beds. (and we had an awesome time together)
ME 38 W 37 T18 M5 D3 BD 1/7/13 PA Conf 2/11/13- Ongoing 2nd simultaneous affair Confirmed 4/19/13 W gets APT and begins transition out 5/29/13 First mediation appt 12/19/13
How do i detach when i still live with my wife? I have a pretty good grasp of the GAL, i think. How long do i wait to discuss our relationship, or do i just never discuss it unless she brings it up?
Im wondering the same thing. How the heck do you detach when you live together. Also in my case I feel that I was already detached, so how is it going to help to detach more????
As for discussing the R, everyone says you must wait until she wants to talk about it. That is the hardest part in my opinion.
