I'm 33, my W is 32, S 9, and D 4. We've been M 10 years, but were highschool sweethearts (had a 1-year breakup during college times). Recap: - 1st bomb occurred 10/01 and included the "I love you, but not in love" talk where she told me that she's been unhappy for a long time--with M, being a mom, regrets, etc. - 2nd bomb was 10/02. Pretty much the same conversation, but she concentrated more on the M being a failure than the children so much. It was after this second incident I found DR. - 3rd bomb was on 12/28/02. Found out that my W had a PA--from 12/01-9/02. But after this bomb my W has said that she is back to work on our M.
So, now that a few months have gone by my W seems to be back to her old self...pretty much. At present I'm trying to get a handle on my own feelings. It's not so much that I'm harboring venomous feelings about OM or anything. It's more that after all I've been through, I expect to have a fulfilling R after many years of not having one. This is somewhat problematic as I'm impatient and my W is still trying to get her head straight.
I am eating crow right now because of something KAW said to me today on my previous thread about...well basically...chilling out. I pretty much came to the same conclusion, but hearing it from someone else helped, and I applied it with a fervor today. As a result, I heard an ILY, which I've only heard a couple times since bomb 3. Thanks, KAW.
So, these last weeks have been a strain on me and it's affecting my W. This, as a result, is pushing her away, which is contrary to my goals...naturally. I am now recalibrated and ready to rock!
Wow, I don't think I have ever been number one in anything! Cool.
I am happy to hear you are back on track (the ILY must have felt great!). Keep working! I think that after the dust settles and our Ses are working with us, we, the betrayed, sort of stop our DBing attempts in order to let them shoulder some of the load. Kinda like, "Damn it. You hurt me. It's your turn to show remorse and make me believe you want to stay. After all, I've done this...this...and this to save the M. Now you have to do something for me." Unfortunately, that isn't reasonable.
We have to be the one to still shoulder the load as our Ss work through the sh!t the led to the gap in the M, which will, undoubtedly, lead us to rethink our small but significant role in the drama that led to the A. (Incidently, RUSH has some great lyrics from a song on Permanent Waves: Just between us, I think it's time for us to recognize That the gap between us, Leaves room, For you and I to grow.").
Besides, my MC told SAM and I that everyone past thirty brings a lot of baggage to a new relationship! So, with a renewed sense of purpose let's get back to work and save our Ms!!
Quote: "Damn it. You hurt me. It's your turn to show remorse and make me believe you want to stay. After all, I've done this...this...and this to save the M. Now you have to do something for me." Unfortunately, that isn't reasonable.
Yeah...it's kind of like that. Self-serving, but true. However, for me it goes a step further because I have been more present in my R with my W for many years...not just the last couple where she's been wacked-out. This is what's getting to me more than anything...the fact that I've tried very hard over years to make her happy and I get paid back this way. Hey, I'm no Boyscout, but I've been pretty good...if I do say so myself.
Quote: We have to be the one to still shoulder the load as our Ss work through the sh!t the led to the gap in the M, which will, undoubtedly, lead us to rethink our small but significant role in the drama that led to the A.
Yes. I am redoubling my efforts in this way. Interestingly enough, JJ once said, "Don't get in your S's mood." Well, this has been my biggest problem to date. I get wrapped up in HER drama and get down. Thing is, my W operates off of me, so if I'm down, then she gets down. Thus, the circle of pain continues. I have to take it upon myself to break that habit because she hasn't yet...if she ever will. Besides, it's good to disassociate myself from her moods anyway.
By the way, it occurs to me that you guys over here in Piecing have a much harder job than those of us on our own...once the initial six months of shock are over, we can move on. I am not saying it's the best place to be - just try watching those travel TV shows about romantic getaways for two, or the commercials for Disneyworld trips filled with images of happy complete families, BUT I see everyone over here working so hard. Don't give up, Jethro, I know the prize will be worth it in the end! In watching people around me, I am coming to have much more respect for those "comfortable" relationships, which may not be all that exciting, but I believe they are more stable.
Quoting jethro: I get wrapped up in HER drama and get down. Thing is, my W operates off of me, so if I'm down, then she gets down. Thus, the circle of pain continues. I have to take it upon myself to break that habit because she hasn't yet...if she ever will. Besides, it's good to disassociate myself from her moods anyway.
I have that problem now with my H, "Multiple Personality" Guy. I guess I shouldn't be surprised to see that it happens during piecing too. Like RJJ said, the hard work continues.....
Me 47 Ex H 46 Bomb 9/02 D final 3/04 Ex H now married to OW
------------ This is surviving. There is no such thing as a normal life, there's just life. So get on with it and enjoy it!
Hey..Jethro... sounds good..the ILY...oh that must seem like heaven. Remember PATIENCE...that is such an important word and action for us impatient people. It seems to be paying off. I can only imagine the real dbing kicks in when you know that your s wants to work on saving the m. Apply what you have learned...keep all the changes going that you worked on...they are not temporary changes, they should be lifelong.
I really could use yours and anybody else's insight over here in piecing.
Now after almost 8 mos and starting the D stuff, H is talking about MC. He says "What would be the harm in trying it?" I am having a hard time getting over the anger of him waiting till now. I know it's better late than ever. But I was comfortable in my life and trying to move on with it.
I guess what I am asking is for someone to please come hit me with a 2x4 and wake me up over on the Sep forum. I love my H but I am scared to death of going through the pain all over again. I feel like I am going into this MC stuff with a closed mind and I know it will be a waste of time if I do.
I am sorry to hog your thread..just looking for some of my ol' friends and new to give me a swift kick in the shorts.
jethro
