life is good

[greatwhitenorth]

Greetings!

Haven't been on the site in awhile, and when I was I spent most of my time in MLC. Not divorced yet and I don't know when I'll initiate the process, but I do know that I have no desire to reconcile with H so I figured this is the place for me.

I come seeking guidance. I met a guy out in the world and we've been seeing each other for about 2.5 months. He's had his heart broken in the past, with three live-in girlfriends ending their relationship. I suspect this has made him weary. When we got together and he asked what we were doing and said he didn't want a relationship. I told him first that we were probably talking about very different things when we said "relationship", and that I'm a very independent person with my own house and a stressful job and had been all but destroyed in my marriage, so I figured we were getting to know each other and would see where things go. He seemed amenable to that and agreed that we certainly had common ground even at that early stage. Same page, all good. We seem well suited, have shared values and enjoy our time together. He is smart, interesting, thoughtful and I'm very attracted to him.

Here's the catch. I see him once every week or ten days, generally at his place on a week night, a couple of times at mine. We don't chitchat in between visits, and have not met each other's family or friends, and have not had the "relationship talk" since the first one. We both like our space, with him needing more than me. He has referred to the feeling of the walls closing in on him in other contexts, and we have talked a little about this. My LL is time together and physical touch, and I think his (for expressing)are acts of kindness and words of affirmation. I don't know what his are for receiving.

So now I'm beginning to wonder if I am repeating past behavior by getting involved with a man who has walls up, will keep me at a distance, and will compartmentalize our relationship. My H never brought me into his world in a meaningful way, but was neck deep in mine (which is a difference...new guy and I are not in each other's worlds at all at this point). Or is this just part of the process of two injured people who need a lot of space getting to know each other?

I am cautious about bringing up the "relationship talk" as I don't want to cause him to feel the walls are closing in on him, but at the same time I feel that I'll want to move things up a notch before too long. I'll be sad if I don't see him over Christmas, but then again I suppose that will be my answer.

Many would say that this is a relationship of convenience. Maybe they're right. I don't know. There are things that compel me to agree with this assessment (such as not having met family after 2.5 months), but then there are things that compel me not to (such as offering to plow my driveway with his quad and inviting me to share his first post-hunt meal).

So, folks, how do I navigate this? Play it cool until after Christmas? Skirt the issue of our relationship? Ask a point blank question? Ignore it 'til neurosis consumes me (ok...that's not really an option!)? Carry on with words of affirmation and acts of kindness (the caveat being, this is how he shows love....not sure that it's the same for receiving it...)?

Advice from folks far wiser than me (especially the male variety!) is appreciated.

Thanks!

[kat727]

I suppose you are finding the sort of person you are comfortable with, one that doesn't have a lot of time to give you. Then you are kind of wanting to change the rules of the game and shape it into something more.

2.5 months isn't very long especially since that means you have only seen each other maybe 10 times. You are only getting to know each other, why bring family into it? Let's also look at it another way...you are not divorced. Why would he want to give his heart to someone that isn't fully available? I would question yourself as to why you haven't moved forward with ending your marriage, but certainly wouldn't do it just to be available. There is something that isn't finished. Why would you try to be involved with someone that is so vulnerable?

You attract what you are, is this the type of person that you want?

kat

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks both for taking the time.

My inclination is to stretch my own limits when I've come to the point that this arrangement/situation/relationship isn't working for me anymore. I will simply say "you're an awesome guy and it's been great getting to know you but casual isn't working for me anymore. If you want to take it up a notch, I'm game, but if not it's time to part ways." No need to make a slurry out of a situation by thinking too much.

As for the divorce...there's a financial matter that H will have resolved in January (hopefully...that'll be almost a year after he was supposed to have it sorted). Plus, it's an expensive pain in the butt that I'm avoiding like the plague as I don't care for expensive pains in the butt. If I could file online I'd be all over it, but running around with paperwork is like a stick in the eye. There is absolutely no "unresolved issue" with H. Not even hint of one. I cannot be more clear about that. As for not being completely available...not the case. Marriage most definitely isn't on my mind so divorce is largely irrelevant.

Like most living, breathing, feeling human beings, I am looking for companionship, intimacy and support. Ultimately, yes, I want a proper relationship. This was my first foray into the dating scene since H and I split, so I didn't know where the experience or the person would take me. You figure out if you want these things with a particular individual by getting to know them...you do not know from the outset if someone is a fit...hence "get to know each other and see where it goes", which he was amenable to. Part of getting to know somebody is to observe and be with them in their broader context...which includes how they interact with family and friends. So do we get to know each other further, or is the second part of the agreement already reached?

Any yes, I am the strong, silent type and I am drawn to the strong, silent type. Getting a sense of a relationship's nature is not contrary to this, and it doesn't mean that I am changing any rules. Relationships and feelings evolve all the time. We folks here should know that more than anybody else. Plus, I am not the sort who has to spend copious amounts of time with somebody and be in constant communication. It would drive me nuts, to be honest. This is part of the reason he and I are well suited.

Anyway, if the tone of this response comes off as terse or defensive, it isn't meant to be. Just being direct. I really know what it is I need to do, it's just having the nads to do it. There's always the "fade to black" scenario, but that doesn't wash with choosing to live your life more purposefully.

Appreciate the input.

[BeginningAgain]

I'd say figure out what is it that you want and then communicate that to him.

When I read your first post, my gut reaction was that what was frustrating or confusing you most was the lack of communication inbetween your dates with him and to a lesser extent interaction with his "world" i.e. friends/family. This seemed reinforced since you said one of your LL's was time spent together.

However in your last post, you said that spending copius amounts of time together and constant communication would drive you nuts. So that has left me a little bit confused as to what are you looking for or wanting. Is it just knowing that you mean more to him than just a casual weekly "encounter"?

BA

[kat727]

While still being married may mean not much to you, it may mean something to him. After all I have gone through I wouldn't want to be involved with someone who is just seperated.

If you would like more to come of your knowing one another, it would be best to tell him. However as I staed, 10 times isn't such a long time if being together. Perhaps he doesn't feel like this might be going somewhere yet, to introduce you to family and friends. You could certainly ask him.

kat

[Iwondertooo]

Is there any chance he is married? I am not buying the three live in girlfriend story. What's up with that? Is it a lack of communication or a lack of honesty you are feeling. There, I said it, what exactly do you know about this strong silent type? You don't have to say, I am just wondering as it was my very first reaction to the story you tell. Most likely I am completely wrong but food for thought. Good luck, Wonder

[greatwhitenorth]

Thanks, BA. You're right...I need to figure out what I want and communicate it to him. My LL is quality time, not quantity time, if that makes sense. I'd like to know where I stand. When we're together it's great but when we're not, my insecurities can rise to the surface.

Thanks, Kat. The marriage thing isn't a big deal to him. I suspect you're right about him not feeling like this thing "has legs" yet. And you, too, are right. I need to tell him what I want.

Thanks, Wonder. No, he's not married. There is nary a trace of a woman in his house. I've spent the night on a couple of occasions, too. I feel that he's keeping me at arm's length. This could be his personality or from having been burned. And yes, there's much I don't know about him, which I'd learn if I were integrated into his life.

Patience is not my strongest trait, but I've been working on it. Nor is trust, which is taking significantly more time. But I am largely intellectualizing things at this stage and looking at what is motivating me to make the choices I make and feel the things I'm feeling. All part of the voyage of self discovery. The bonus is that you don't get emotionally entangled in things prematurely. If this goes to seed tomorrow I will have grown. If it grows into something more, then I hope I can say I've found myself with a man who knows he's lucky to have me and whom I am lucky to have.