Much gratitude! This forum and the people in here seem to be my lifeline. THANKS!
Originally Posted By: KP
What do you want to do?
Yesterday’s post about declining was what I wanted but reading yours, LTHs and HWAs post gives me the doubts big time. It seems like I am not capable of making the right decision before long after it is supposed to be made.
T1000 once wrote something about this:
Originally Posted By: T1000
I have found that with DB you don't understand the parts you are working on until you have moved through it. That's why taking the vets advice is so important.
This is me! To the point!
Originally Posted By: LTH
It doesn't have to be a traumatic experience
I thought so yesterday, but right now I feel I should trust your judgment more than my own so I will do exactly that!
Originally Posted By: KP
Because it's how you think you should be? Not so fine.
KP, A big part of me still feels like declining but reading you gives me the doubt if the Ds are my real motive or if something is beneath.
Originally Posted By: HWA
Put on something nice and easy, get some things to discuss ready in your head. Get a game out, and try and get the family to play it. Just have fun. Don't mindread or put anything else into it.
HWA, Thanks! Your advice means a lot these days and just reading them makes me once again realize what a MAJOR step you have taken during the past four months.
I have emailed W that dinner will be just fine and I will make something light and easy for them. I can’t express my gratitude! Thanks for keeping me straight!
Originally Posted By: LTH
See...lots of possibilities - no mindreading F!!!!
I know! And if it was just the wave then fine, but I see a lot of small signs these days and when I add them up it is hard not to start thinking; after all I am unfortunately equipped with my twisted brain….but there is many small things happening these days. One more little example I noticed today. Her email from yesterday bagan with “Hey you”. That was very normal before BD. It disappeared when I started LRT and have been totally gone until yesterday. I am not mindreading that she is warming up – I am just noticing change. In fact if I should mindread I would properly just say she taking a second run for family time (cake). That proves that I am trying to mindread I wont act on it though!
I find myself backsliding from focus on me and GAL because of these recent events – need to get back on track right now so I have just called two old friends I haven't seen for a long time and booked coffee with one and dinner with the other. They seemed happy to hear from me
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
I suddenly drove by her and she waved like a crazy.
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I explained the situation to her and she was kind and solution oriented all the way. This could very well be my fault but no harsh words from her.
^^^These are all great baby steps. Your reaction should be to celebrate them internally and keep up your DB'ing externally. What you've been doing seems to be working, so take a couple of days to reflect on what you've been doing and KEEP DOING THAT!
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I am attending the thing at D4s kindergarten but what to do about the dinner invitation?
She didn't invite you to a romantic dinner for 2, it's a family thing. Go! Show her how charming you can be! Show her how a great dad engages his D
Quote:
I am not sure what to read in to anything at this moment!
I really needed to hear somebody say babysteps! The problem is that right now I don’t feel like I have done anything at all! I haven’t changed anything! This could easily be the work of time and patience, her taking a second run on the cake, me loosening up and even my good friend and W talking to her. I don’t know so I will follow your advice and give this some serious thoughts over the next days and weeks.
Originally Posted By: AS
Nothing, drop your expectations!
I know I have to let them go and also to stop the mindreading – I am very aware of both points but I am equipped with this strange brain that want’s to analyze and twist everything. I have tried Alka-Seltzer, red wine, shrink, books, coach, meditation, kryptonite, 2x4ing myself, wearing a lead-helmet and then some – but it won’t stop! That said, I believe that I am able not to act on this and I feel I am close to a place where I recognize these behaviors almost immediately and at the same time it doesn’t affect me to the same extent as it used too.
F
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
The problem is that right now I don’t feel like I have done anything at all! I haven’t changed anything!
GOOD! Then keep doing nothing! Sometimes pulling back and doing nothing is exactly what the sitch needs.
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but I am equipped with this strange brain that want’s to analyze and twist everything.
You and every other one of us guys. I never did find peace in my sitch until I QUIT that though. We can't fix our spouses. Only they can do that. You're seeing baby steps, so now you're getting worried that you're not doing enough, right? Just remember, SHE is on HER OWN journey. The baby steps you see have nothing to do with you and everything to do with her.
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I have tried Alka-Seltzer, red wine, shrink, books, coach, meditation, kryptonite, 2x4ing myself, wearing a lead-helmet and then some – but it won’t stop!
Ah, but there's one thing noticeably absent from that list, isn't there? None of those things really fall under GAL, and GAL is exactly what does make it stop.
Quote:
That said, I believe that I am able not to act on this and I feel I am close to a place where I recognize these behaviors almost immediately and at the same time it doesn’t affect me to the same extent as it used too.
Wow F, a lot of good discussion and even better replies and help. You can do this, you know how you can do this, just do it (oops this is not a nike ad).
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Well they make me run better. Best 10km run I ever did, 36 mins.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Received an email from W this evening as a reply to mine
ME (15:16)
Hi Dinner with the girl sounds just fine! Come by after scouting and I will make some soup. I expect to be there on Friday but won’t arrive until 16.00 It would be nice with the pictures. I will find a disk and drop it by. Say hi to the girls Fartiltre
W (19:55)
Hey Havent seen your mail until now but it sounds super nice with soup tomorrow. See you after scouting I should say hi back :-) Autosignature
So here we go again. W will be over tomorrow with the Ds. It will properly be very short since they won't arrive until 18.45 and the Ds will have to be in bed around 20.30.
I will also see her Friday at the Christmas thing at D4s kindergarten but after this I plan to pull back. The number of interactions is simply too much these days and I feel more like bright and shiny instead of dim.
Me:44 W:43 D7, D5 (S11 from other R)
T: 8y - not M ILYB: 8. Mar 2013 W moved: 1. Aug 2013 LRT: 20. Aug 2013 _______________________________ Do or do not – there’s no try.
Dear Hotwheels, I have made the connection here and will keep watch. Take care, Laurie
Laurie, Divorce Busting Coach Contact The Divorce Busting Center at 303-444-7004 or 800-664-2435 if you would like to schedule a telephone consultation with a DB Coach - or email virginia@divorcebusting.com for info.
I wont act on it though! 