"You're My Best Friend"

[MissAgnes]

Hi rh,

Stopping in to say hi --I'm so glad you and H are in reconnection.

I can identify with your labor story. Once the fear is gone, or at least reduced, it's much easier to relax and accomplish something.

My boys, too, like when I do the homemaking. This past year I have deliberately pulled back from some of that in order to coach them in their own homemaking skills. All four are becoming competent cooks, which frees up more of my time.

I find myself getting into the habit of asking myself, If I didn't have anyone else to worry about, what would I be doing?

Is there something about that real estate test/job that's frightening you and making you unrelaxed?

[reachingHigher]

Thank you all for the very encouraging posts!

MissA! So good to hear from you. And to think your boys are competent cooks! Even the 10-year old! You are doing a great job! I appreciate your suggestions. And I'll answer your question about my fears below.

It is ok for you think, ok, my marriage is on safer ground, my children are older, it's RH's time.

That is something that you want your children to see. It is something you want your h to see. He needs to know that he doesnt have to worry about you. He needs to know that he can have a life and you can have a life. And the great thing is, that you can share a life, too.

Find you, R. Figure out what fills you up. Find out how you can be your best self.

It is ok. It really is. Stop holding your breath. Let it out.

...But we only get this one life. Make it a great one.

uRW,

You hit the nail on the head with everything you wrote.
Yes, you were right on target.
I love what you said here.
It's okay to let go.
Okay to to know my M is on safer ground.
Okay to open up and bloom.
Me.

Ambiv,

How neat we are the same age! My birthday is in March.
My mom was younger as a parent -- 26 when she had me and I was the fourth child!
But she stayed at home, too.
It was a dream I always had, too, to stay at home.

And I did after my career.
And I loved it.
And never regretted a moment either.

But, with all due respect, Ambiv, I don't feel like what I was fed was a "crock".
I feel it just was the time.
And the society.

And now...it's up to us to make changes accordingly.
You have to make some changes b/c of your H's financial decisions. But it could open a new world up for you. It sounds like it is.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I feel renewed.

I think my fear of real estate is the same fear I had of my federal job when I was 30. I had passed the civil service exam and was waiting for a date for school. I knew the pass rate was only 50% and felt I had the brains to do the job but not the confidence. So I went to a C for a few sessions, solely for the purpose of gaining confidence. And I passed the school.

Now...I've been afraid too.

But the night I spent this week awake till 1:30 am thinking about who I am has helped a lot.

H talked to me today about his appointment he had with a retirement/financial planner this week. He wants to retire in 10 years. I felt privileged to be included as part of his plan! He can make it financially without me, but he said he thought I would enjoy real estate.

He said he thought I wasn't studying enough b/c I don't want to do it. It's about that guilt that the boys need me at home. Not moving on to my new stage in life. I can see ahead why empty-nesters would have such trouble.

I told him about changing my focus to my own life more. And encouraging the boys to be more self-sufficient.

Also, I haven't wanted to study the state law. It is 72 pages of law and I put it in iBooks and now am going through and making detailed notes. I think I can. I think I can....

I also asked H, matter-of-factly, to give me more verbal compliments. I said that I can see it on his face when he thinks I look good, but I want to hear it. He said he thought he did. I validated, yes you do, but I want to hear more.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now a clothes shopping story.

This summer I went clothes shopping at an upscale boutique. I went in and showed them my "colors" phone app and said I wanted clothes in only these certain colors and I was looking for these types of clothes.

45 minutes later, I couldn't find anything that looked good. The clincher was when the saleslady had me try on this outfit that made me look terrible. She said I looked so good in it! I said, look at me! At my face. It makes me look totally washed out!"

She looked at me and said, well you can pull your hair back, get different earrings, etc. I was thinking, this seems like a no-brainer to me. Why don't I just get something that looks good on me! SoI didn't buy anything.

Now, this week, I went to a nice department store. I said I would pick out my own stuff. I got a bunch of clothes and tried them on. I bought several that looked really nice on me. And that's when H looked at me when I got home and had that "you look great" look on his face!

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Tomorrow is the birthday party at drinking bud's house.

I'm really glad I decided to go. Yes Sexy Lady will be there and I don't know who else. I do know both H's drinking buds really like me. And as H talks about the party he says "we" (him and me) will get the cake, balloons, card, etc. It's obvious he is happy I am going.

And you know, in a M, you hafta do SOME stuff out of your comfort zone. These people mean a lot to my H and it isn't like these gatherings are as often as every month even. So..I'll let you know how it goes. I'm expecting it will be a lot of fun!

[uRworthy]

I feel renewed.

So happy to hear that. ^^^^

You know, R, I know about fear. I graduated with a degree in it. I had all kinds of fear. Fear of failure. Fear of success. Fear of change. And if I am to be honest, I still feel that to some degree. Sometimes, I just have to push right through it. I say to myself, whats the worst that can happen? I wont die, (unless I am skydiving or something - LOL). Sure, it is scary. I know scared, too.Trust me on that. But you know what? I make it through. And it is never anywhere near as bad as what I thought. All that worrying and fear was wasted energy.

I felt privileged to be included as part of his plan!

You know I love you, my friend. So, I am going to be honest because that's the only way I know how to be. You say things like that often ^^^. And I get why you feel that way. However, I want you to try to get the mindset that you deserve to be included in his plans, ya know? And that he is very lucky you stood.

He can make it financially without me, but he said he thought I would enjoy real estate.

Do you think you would enjoy it? Thats the important thing.

He said he thought I wasn't studying enough b/c I don't want to do it. It's about that guilt that the boys need me at home. Not moving on to my new stage in life. I can see ahead why empty-nesters would have such trouble.

Ok, that's what he said. What are your thoughts? Why do you think you werent studying enough. Is it about the kids or something else?

I told him about changing my focus to my own life more. And encouraging the boys to be more self-sufficient.

Also, I haven't wanted to study the state law. It is 72 pages of law and I put it in iBooks and now am going through and making detailed notes. I think I can. I think I can....

I know you can. I just want to be sure you know you can - if that is really what you want to do.

I also asked H, matter-of-factly, to give me more verbal compliments. I said that I can see it on his face when he thinks I look good, but I want to hear it. He said he thought he did. I validated, yes you do, but I want to hear more.

I know it is very important to hear those things from him. But, you know, R, be your own mirror, too. And remember the beautiful person you are on the inside.

Get other mirrors, too. Connect with people more. When you are out alone or with h, watch people's faces. See how they enjoy being around you. What is it that they see about you? ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Now, this week, I went to a nice department store. I said I would pick out my own stuff. I got a bunch of clothes and tried them on. I bought several that looked really nice on me. And that's when H looked at me when I got home and had that "you look great" look on his face!

The part I like about this, is that part. ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I'm really glad I decided to go. Yes Sexy Lady will be there and I don't know who else.

Who cares about her? You are a sexy lady, too.

I do know both H's drinking buds really like me.

Why wouldnt they? Just sayin....Be you, R.

And you know, in a M, you hafta do SOME stuff out of your comfort zone. These people mean a lot to my H and it isn't like these gatherings are as often as every month even.

Yep, and it's always good to go outside your comfort zone. Now how about thinking of some things you would like to do with him, even if it is outside his comfort zone.

[MissAgnes]

Hi rh

I agree with uRw when she says that "it is never anywhere near as bad as what I thought." Isn't that the truth? I don't think anything I've ever agonized or worried about ever happened the way I envisioned it. It's a good thing we don't know the future.

Aren't you glad that the people here are honest, in contrast to the saleslady

"why don't I just get something that looks good on me?" Maybe you could try asking yourself that question about real estate. Is there something else that interests you more? S19 has told me that there is a special test he can take at his college career center that will pinpoint choices in line with his aptitude and interests. Just a thought, but I don't doubt you can pass the test if you're prepared.

I hope you have a great time at the party!

[reachingHigher]

Just a little parody to humor my friends here today.
Later I'll get to the heavier subject of my self-confidence.

Let Him Go!

Oh, his behavior is purely frightful
And my dear, you've become insightful,
You're a DBer; you're now in the "know"
Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

He doesn't show signs of stopping
And you've bought some corn for popping
You can step aside and watch the show;
Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

When he finally starts doing right
His behavior will be back in the "norm"
But try not to hold on too tight
Even if he stays until morn!

Your changes he's just not buying,
It doesn't mean you're still not trying!
But as long as you love him so
Let him go! Let him go! Let him go!

[Ambivalent]

Hey Pud,

It was the times and I still believe it put a ton of pressure on girls, and women of that period. Meaning , the movement ( WL ) was supposed to be about choice. Instead , it became a contest between women. That those who chose to stay at home were at times, making the "wrong" choice.

It made those who went to work feel incredibly stressed and guilty, for they were working AND trying to be the perfect mom and spouse! So that's what I meant by a crock...:D

I am going to be fine with working , for I planned on doing this anyways. I looked forward to contributing again , in a monetary sense. He was the one, that always said he didn't need me to go back to work, or that it'd not be worth it because of the tax bracket.

He is dealing with those decisions now, and it has made him really think.

I'm glad you are refreshed. You are doing so well, keep it up. Way to go with telling your Martian what you need. That is awesome.! Hopefully he will and then you can plant one on him as a surprise, heh heh heh >:P

[uRworthy]

OMG, Rh, love it! So funny.

[Pudmuddle]

Hey Pud,

It was the times and I still believe it put a ton of pressure on girls, and women of that period. Meaning , the movement ( WL ) was supposed to be about choice. Instead , it became a contest between women. That those who chose to stay at home were at times, making the "wrong" choice.

It made those who went to work feel incredibly stressed and guilty, for they were working AND trying to be the perfect mom and spouse! So that's what I meant by a crock...:D

I am going to be fine with working , for I planned on doing this anyways. I looked forward to contributing again , in a monetary sense. He was the one, that always said he didn't need me to go back to work, or that it'd not be worth it because of the tax bracket.

He is dealing with those decisions now, and it has made him really think.

I'm glad you are refreshed. You are doing so well, keep it up. Way to go with telling your Martian what you need. That is awesome.! Hopefully he will and then you can plant one on him as a surprise, heh heh heh >:P

Hey Ambiv,

I'm confused. I don't think you meant to address this posting to me? Or did I miss something?

[Wonka]

rH,

You might want to check out "10 phrases guys can't get enough of" through MSN's Living site and check out the following quotes from Redbook along with accompanying detail sidebar on each phrase. When I read it, I immediately thought of you and your efforts to keep the romance alive with H. This is a good reminder to treat our spouses with kindness and respect at every opportunity we can get.
______________________________

Thank you.
Our child loves you so much!
Remember when…
You look nice today.
Let’s get married!
Dinner’s on me tonight.
I’m so glad we’re doing this together.
This is what I want.
My coworker is so jealous of the awesome steak you made last week.
I miss you.

[BrightFuture]

Hi rH, just stopping by. I love the parody.
How did the party go?

Wonka, are you serious about all of these phrases that guys want? Did I read it right about “Let’s get married?”