My husband stopped in today to say that he was thinking of adding on to his house again, he completely ruined my day. Does this mean he is never coming back. It's been 2. Years, no one is living with him yet, not sure what to think.
There is no way to predict whether or not he's returning by adding on to his home. There have been some that purchase new homes, add on to them, fill them w/new furniture and then poof! They decide they want to reconcile...but that's many years down the road. Two years isn't a very long time for people in mlc land. Their clocks are far slower than ours and it takes a long time for them to catch up to us.
For now, listen and observe. I certainly wouldn't give up hope because anything is possible when it comes to a mlcer.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Why what? Maybe I can explain some of it if I knew which why you are referring to.
If you are asking why add on the house or remodel, well, it's something to make they feel better about themselves and yes, a distraction. They figure that they've tried other things and they aren't working, so they'll change their living environment a bit. They all do the remodeling of their places at some point in time.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Because they can't cope with the guilt and shame of what they are doing, as well as wanting to be free of all responsibility. They feel like they are being choked, etc. They honestly can't give you a valid reason for leaving, they just know they have to do this right now, no matter the consequences.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Why indeed. I can tell you that you may go crazy trying to figure out "why" when your spouse likely doesn't know either. Why be so angry and take it out on you? Why put effort into a house you want to run away from. Often it's like watching somebody drowning - they flail and panic and yell and ... they do things that they are told will make them feel better. Bucket lists, OW/OM (or both), drugs, drink, partying, working out, painting, etc. For an MLCr, it's all done in a blind panic and in an effort to figure out "why" they do what they do. "If I just had whiter shirts" or "if he had just taken me to the grocery store I wanted to go to" or..well, just about anything they can think of at that moment. And it makes perfect sense to them while they say it and feel it.
Basically, their feelings have gone haywire and they don't know why. Eventually, they either figure it out else blame somebody else close to them. Or both if they're lucky and can figure it out.
No matter the reason, the actions are strangely similar. They just know they need to do this and can't explain it to anyone. Or themselves. I'm sure if there was an explanation you'd hear it. You may be like me and hear all kinds of explanations that you'll see as "odd" and later you'll see how it all fits together. Much later.
To me it's a product of the societal norms we live by. But that's just me..
Job can give a pretty good explanation of what may be going on (or similar experiences) if you tell her what's going on.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
My H just left with no real explanation. Said he didn't like me anymore and I yelled too much (which was true). He's now living alone in a one bedroom basement suite with a bare mattress on the floor and his nieces desk and dresser as furniture. This is more acceptable than life with me and our sons. I find myself asking how he can do this? How is this better? But, I guess for him, it is. There's just no way to understand it.
M 16 T 20 M 41 H 39 S 19 S 15 Bomb drop April 4; Moved out April 13 D started-full force ----------------------- Dancing through the fire Cause I am a champion and you’re gonna hear me ROAR
Like I said, trying to get an explanation from somebody that doesn't have one is a bad idea. They will come up with one. Or two, or ten... But until they figure themselves out, you are the absolute last person that can directly help. You can engage and fight back. You can yell, spit, scratch, belittle, plead, etc. It won't matter. They go somewhere inside themselves that you can't get to. Unless and until they are ready to face the issues as an adult, they will listen to anyone but you. The more you understand that you care for him, and that the best you can do is be pleasant and distant, the better for all concerned.
He likely knows how you feel already. You don't need to tell him again. He knows you don't understand. He knows he doesn't understand. Telling him doesn't make it go any faster. And it is not about you most likely.
Knowing that you don't know, but are still there is enough. And a lot can happen between now and any court dates.
Find things for you to do. Things to distract and give you peace and happiness. Think of it as a vacation of sorts...
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
