Need better plan of action, H is home but distant

[Bestgal]

I wanted to check in because I'm completely frustrated right now and I'm not sure how to handle these types of situations.

Things have been somewhat better overall since my H has moved back home, but the arguments we have (or the ones he has been having with me lately) have been very intense and I'm having a lot of trouble handling them. He gets upset at the slightest thing, blows up and takes it out on me, saying things like he's leaving, or he's not going to deal with me kicking him out, etc. I haven't brought up anything remotely resembling that he should leave. I feel like anything I say can be turned into something else and twisted into something I didn't say, and once again he's angry at me.

Since he's been back home, things have slowly returned to 'almost normal' in other ways, in that we're spending our free time together, very nice to each other, joking around like always and still hand holding and hugging like we always did before. I've tried to look at any troubling situations from my perspective / my part only, not lash out, walk away from potential arguments, and just keep things calm if possible. I've already walked away a couple of times, letting him know we could discuss it again once we're calm.

However, we've already had two blow ups where I say something he doesn't like the sound of (last night it was 'don't yell, please') and he goes off the deep end and continues to yell louder. This happened last week where he practically had a meltdown over something I said. It was a small comment re: a disagreement we had, and he thought I was intimating something I wasn't. I had no time to explain it, he just launched into a tirade about how he's not dealing with this from me, putting up with X or Y, etc. I ended up apologizing, simply so he wouldn't have a complete coronary. It felt horrible, and I had no idea how to make it stop aside from taking the blame.

Each time he gets angry lately, he goes from 0-80 in no time at all, and then brings up the idea that I kicked him out, he's not putting up with anything from me, etc. Now, everything I do when he starts to get set off seems subject to a blow up from him where he goes on a litany of things I'm doing to him (which I'm honestly not). At the time he's spewing all of this, it seems like a complete overreaction but I can't say that, so I try and keep things calm as possible. The issue for me is, because he feels so justified in his anger, everything is now my fault and there's no accountability for his acting insanely.

I've taken extreme measures to not react, and to walk away as soon as I'm able to when things get heated. (I'm really working on this, because I've never been good at it). So far I've been able to at least lessen the intensity from my end, by walking away or refusing to fight. But these blow ups where I'm getting screamed at are unacceptable to me, and me trying to draw a line seems to end in more anger from his end. I don't know how to deal with it.

Last week he decided just before we were supposed to leave for our flight on a 3 day trip that he wasn't going, and that I could go alone. He had just finished yelling at the top of his lungs at me, and we were in the car so I couldn't get away from it. It felt horrible hearing him yell and really rattled me. My first instinct was to argue back, but then did my best to compose myself, later apologized for my part and asked him to join me on the trip (once he calmed down). The trip went really well, and I was mindful of how things were the entire time, and how I was behaving, etc. I know he's sensitive right now, and I just wanted peace so I acquiesced.

Last night something small (a disagreement) turned into where he started to yell again and I asked him to stop, which only made him more angry. It wouldn't stop, and in a last attempt to get him to stop, I finally said something like "there needs to be some rules here" - probably poor phrasing but it kept me from getting more angry at the time and saying something I might regret.

He asked what those rules were, and I started to say "that you not yell at me". Before I could finish, he said he was leaving, screw this, you're not doing this to me, I'm tired of your threats, and that I wasn't going to do this to him again, kicking him out, rules, etc. I tried to calmly say I wasn't kicking him out, but that he needed him to stop yelling or just let me out of the car. His response (which is familiar to me by now) was "I'm done. I'm leaving, but it will be on my terms when I'm ready" and started to yell again for me to stop talking. It was unreal. I asked again for him to let me out of the car, because it was the only foreseeable way I could get out of the situation tactfully, and in a way where I wasn't stuck in the car while he continued to yell...he eventually let me out 2 miles from our house in a huff. He came back to get me after I called a few min later, and was still argumentative when I got back in the car.

I normally would have kept arguing but I stopped talking so as not to make it worse.

I'm not perfect, and it's true I still have a lot of work to do on me. Still, he never seems to see any of his part in anything. Yes I can be a jerk. Oftentimes I'm wrong. We have a long way to go and I wasn't innocent in our last huge upset where he left for 2 weeks. I still own that, and I'm working on my anger and my reactions and how I make him feel. But when can I actually say, "This is a limit of mine and you're crossing it..." - never? Not right now? It's like I'm on eternal probation, where everything I say or do is subject to scrutiny (and justifiable yelling).

I know we have a long period of rebuilding ahead and I'm not out of the woods. But does that mean he can't ever be held accountable when he's out of control and hurting me? I'm confused as to how to handle all of this, and I don't like being yelled at. It freaks me out and it makes things seem much more out of control.

I'm tired of all of this diffusing his anger. His leaving and moving out had an impact on me too. I feel like he gets to act however he likes, yet I'm always wrong and should apologize so that things can resume. The issue with that is, it makes me feel beat down and that I'm not being heard. He can draw all the lines as to what he'll accept and what he won't, but I just put up with whatever he dishes out to me out of anger?


If anyone has insight they can share, I'd love to hear it.

[Bestgal]

The update today is that the heavy argument was resolved the best way it could be. The good news is I didn't lose control like I normally do when I'm angry. There's a saying I heard once that I love, which is

"I might not be able to make things better, but I can always make them worse."

I've been trying to live by that!

After things cooled down and I stayed far away from him until the next day when I was no longer angry, I approached him with a "so are we friends again?" comment. He nodded. I asked him if he wanted to talk about the night before, and he said yes. Instead of starting first, which I usually do, I said "Ok, go ahead."

He said he felt horrible, and he apologized for the way he acted. He said he hates fighting. I also apologized, and told him that above all else, I want to continue to work on me, and to make this marriage the best it can be. I said that I know we're much better than the way we sometimes speak to each other, and that life is too short to stay angry about stupid things that don't mean anything. He agreed with that...

I also told him how it rattles me and it freaks me out when he yells like that. I didn't harp on his part, but I made it clear that it wasn't ok with me. He asked me if I would promise not to try and get out of the car when we're arguing, and I told him I would. I asked him if he could not yell and I wouldn't try to jump out of the car to get away from him! He said he would. We'll see, but at least it's a start.

Thankfully the DR book talks about progress sometimes being really small, which is fine for me as long as it's forward progress.

I don't know if anyone can relate with this, but there's something I've noticed about arguing with my H. The times when I'm most resentful, especially times when I can clearly hear an argument with him going on in my head , are times when I really need to keep my mouth shut. Almost inevitably, there will be an argument as long as I can still hear chaos and any kind of argument that's still happening in my head. Once I don't hear it anymore, it seems like it's "clear to engage once more". If I can only listen to my own advice all the time!

[pilot]

Sounds like you turned a bad day into a good one at the end. You both seemed to come together and agree to work on each of your own faults exposed during the argument.

Best of luck as you continue!

[Riley]

Bestgal,

I never used to have arguments with my W, now I do, and thats part of why I'm here. Really good job on changing your, reaction, to his actions. It takes a person of great personal strength to stop yourself from continuing bad habits.

The transition from bad to good is always a long road, so stick to your goals while you are moving forward.

Best of luck

[Bestgal]

Thanks for the support, Pilot and Riley. Probably one of the hardest things to do, changing our own reactions to things. (Especially when we feel justified in our position). I've just gotten knocked down so many times from my own foolish behavior that I really don't think I have a choice if I want peace and ultimately, a happy marriage!

[Bestgal]

I just sidestepped what could have been a catastrophic fight. I'm posting here so that I can remember why I'm doing this. And because I want to restrain myself from "going on and on" which is what I normally do, and that never works. I'm not happy with the disagreement, but above all I really want peace in my M. I wasn't perfect, but I did ok I think.

Dealing with my H and his quick temper is a recurring test for me. Since we both have it, the only way I'll be able to diffuse a situation is by walking away.

We were supposed to go out to dinner with a friend of his and his wife tonight. I haven't met them yet but they seem great, from what he told me. Unfortunately right now I've been working a lot and over the past few weeks I've been feeling increasingly burnt out due to a much higher work load than normal. It seems like every week I keep pushing myself to make one more engagement or do one more thing to keep things going smoothly at home like keeping things clean and organized, food shopping etc - it all comes primarily from me, since I work days from home and my H works outside the home. Consequently it's all catching up to me.

I just found out a few days ago that I'm doing a few onsite projects in different cities for one of my jobs this coming week, and will be taking on some things by myself that are all new for me. My work hours next week are going to be insane, and there's a lot of driving. I'm pretty stressed out about it. I've been telling my H that I'm burnt out and really worried I'm not going to do a good job this week on top of that. He's seemed really understanding about it, until today.

When I woke up this am, I realized how exhausted I still was. I told my H that in order to do a good job this week, I'm going to need to cancel on our dinner tonight, and I apologized for it. The dinner plans could've only been made for pretty late tonight, and we'd probably get home around midnight tonight. Since I work pretty early and this is a big week for me at work, this was the only thing I could think of to do to ease some of the stress I'm still feeling.

His reaction was that he was disappointed, and why didn't I tell him I wanted to cancel sooner? I explained that I've been telling him how burnt out I've been for weeks and had asked about making the dinner earlier...(wasn't possible). I didn't know until a few days ago that I was taking on all of these projects for work. I figured I'd see how I felt today....I woke up and realized how exhausted I still was, and if I kept these plans tonight, I'd probably regret it all week. It's just how I'm feeling, I can't help it, although I feel bad about it.

I told him that I really would like to meet the couple another time, and that I'm hoping we can reschedule. (Of course he said no!) I simply can't see myself going out late tonight when I'm exhausted and have a week ahead of me that I need to prepare for.

He wasn't seeing my side of it, and was still questioning me, so we spoke about it a little bit. I guess I explained myself too much, because he told me to calm down. I wasn't yelling, but I was "going on a bit". I calmed my tone and calmly explained that I really was hoping for his support. I said that I can't help the way I feel right now but that this was just a dinner, and I'm concerned I'm going to keep pushing myself and it will ultimately cost me in the end. He said he's still going to go and meet them anyway, which I encouraged him doing if that's what he wanted.

He tried to give a little guilt, how he had to make special arrangements through work, and how "they were so excited for this dinner" and he wasn't going to take that away from them, etc. Once again I encouraged him to go if he felt like it. I'm just taking trying to take care of myself, and something had to give.

I started to walk away and then said I was really hoping to have his support in this, because it felt like he didn't understand where I was at.

Oftentimes he's selfish. I sometimes feel under-appreciated. I don't ask him for a whole lot and this is something I couldn't necessarily anticipate. I mentioned to him that I'm usually trying to find ways throughout the week to make his life easier, but that I really don't ask him for much. This was something I needed him to understand.

He snapped at me and said something about how I "made him come with me to my f***ing friend's house when he didn't want to," a few weeks ago.

I didn't say anything right away (which I normally would do). I just said that it was really unkind to say that, considering we arranged one of the two days of the trip so that he could watch the games in the hotel the entire day.

He started to raise his voice, and I just stopped him and said "I don't want to do argue, let's not". He said something like "If you don't want to do this, then stop talking", which is exactly how our fights generally take a turn for the worse. Usually at that point, I'll keep arguing. This time I walked away and closed the door.

It's still not easy, and it's not like this stuff will just resolve itself, but it's a lot better than it getting worse!

So now he's upset with me. Understandably he's disappointed, but sometimes I do wish for a little more from him.

[Bestgal]

Wow I guess this works, haha! Careful what you wish for, wow. I wasn't expecting it, but he just came in and apologized for snapping at me, and said he totally supports me and understands I'm under a lot of pressure lately. I didn't even know what to say. There is hope!

Now I'm really glad I walked away. I'm going to keep doing that if I'm getting these reactions!

[pilot]

Great job. I was going to say you handled the situation well. Then I read the last post and you already knew that.