Make things better by looking ahead....

[Caz]

Hi sage, just catching up on your sitch. I'm sorry that you PMA was all over the boards this week. I agree with KML's post. Go back to that catalog and buy something sexy. I think I will take that advice for myself.

I'm happy that you are still moving forward in your M. I know that you said it has been overall 9-10mos. and I'm sure that feels like a lifetime. The past 3mos have felt like 3yrs for me.

My PMA is low today, but I wanted to wish you a good weekend and I will be sending good vibes your way. I saw many postive reactions from H in your journalling.

Keep moving forward. Caz

[shinybear]

Hi Sage,

BTW Jeannine, holy cow....what a blow to learn H is still in contact with OW! My heart is with you!

Sage, glad to hear about your foray into VC for some "extras". You know, I've learned that it always is the level of confidence and inner sexiness that matters most. As I've said, my weight has been all over the place (40lb range) and, geeze, now that I think about it, our sex life was probably best right around the upper middle of that range!

Glad H is filling your love tank with lil deposits every day. It's good that you notice and relish them!

Shiny

[sage]

Hey all,

Had a good weekend. Had a "date" Friday night -- dinner and a movie. It was a really nice time.

Saturday was a lazy day for me (in stark contrast to LL's whirlwind weekend!). I studied for my final in the AM then literally lay on the couch for hours while H watched TV. Not sure what was up with the absence of energy but it was nice to just hang out in the same room. We had talked about going out Sat. night but it was rainy and cold out so we got pizza delivered and watched 2 installments of "From the Earth to the Moon" on DVD.

Sunday was H's first bball game of the season, had a lowkey afternoon then our last bowling match of the season (guess that's good timing!).

The baseball game was a bit of "facing a demon" for me. Last year, H's LAST game of the season was the AllStar game. I went, watched in the cold from the bleachers and cheered him on. After the game, I drove home separately from H and stopped at the store. Later, when I found all the "emails", there was one from him to her (and then her reply) that was clearly him going home from the game and emailing her pretty much immediately. Now, I suppose I could look on the brightside and say, "well, I was AT the game", blah, blah.

Anyway, yesterday we went through a similar scenario -- after the game I went to the SAME store on the way home. Wondered more than a few times if he was busy emailing her. After I got home and we were hanging out together, H said that he loved when I came to his games -- that he loved seeing me watch him, his best fan. That chipped away at my fears some.

Going to have to face another demon this week...a while back I mentioned that H's old company had some consulting work for him...well, everything's in place so Weds. of this week he goes back to the old stomping ground. Great.
************

My conscious effort for the week is to try to let go of the anger and rage I feel towards the ow. I just feel like she's "getting away with it" and that thought is keeping me stuck.

Sage

[sage]

I'm considering coming up with a coded system (perhaps some acronyms?) to describe my moods -- why? Because it seems as though I've been cycling through the same dozen or so for months... It may be easier and more efficient to throw out a couple of initials like (DBIDKHTBAGW-- Depressed Because I Don't Know How To Be A Good Wife) than to type the same stuff over and over again.

It seems doubly efficient when one considers how quickly my moods can change...it shouldn't take me longer to TYPE how I'm feeling than the time it actually takes me to FEEL it.

So...today IS one of those days when I'm DBIDKHTBAGW -- why? Ah, who the heck knows? It tends to happen when I'm not in full-blown anxiety mode OR full-blown anger mode -- more like I'm feeling sort of OK about myself, pretty good about the weekend, repentent for all of the bad stuff I've done to contribute to our marital woes, feeling a bit like H might be reaching out/being tender/etc and just freaking feeling inadequate in how to meet his needs, be "the ow" in his life now.

What did she offer him? Why was their relationship so conversation (face2face, email, IM, etc) based? Can I get that too? Is that what he wants now? Did she offer him hope? Unconditional love? A constant listening ear? Did she offer him confidence or meekness? Assertiveness or acquiescence? Bold sexiness or innocence?

Is it enough to harken back to a time when I was who he fell in love with? who was that? It was 17 years ago for crying out loud...I was 19 years old! Or, be the person he married? Looking back on it, I'm not so sure he'd want that person back.

So many of the things that I think I want/need to get back in my life (confidence, comfortableness in being me, reasonable assertiveness, etc) seem almost impossible to pull out of the muck.....How to feel confident and self-assured when I'm wondering why my H had an a and wondering if she's still in the picture?

Ah, well, we covered this ground on Friday when I was DIAMWAAHB (Deeply Insecure About My Worth As A Human Being) I'm NOT actually there today....today I'm feeling MUCH stronger but still confused.

What good things have happened today so far? H called this AM -- had already checked out a billiards place that we had talked about going to....when we were getting off the phone, said "ILY" very earnestly and lovingly. I'm grateful for those moments.

Sage

[sage]

I'm my own thread's best friend, today

Where is everyone? don't tell me you guys are actually working! (Ok, I'm at work but clearly not being productive!)

Feeling a bit sad. Maybe sad's too strong a word -- just wondering what to do next. 6 weeks ago H was actively making plans for us -- dinners out, movies, surprises. That seems to have stopped for the most part.

Did it stop because of the big R talks we had? Because ow got back in touch (right around the time his job told him that they needed him back)? Just because? Because I started doing too much? He asked "is it bugging you that I'm making so many plans for us?". Ha. As if.

He DID say over the weekend "is it bugging you that I'm talking so much?" (we were watching tv, I might have been reading and he was talking about "stuff"). I said with all of my heart "I love it when you talk with me" and I meant it. And I love it when he plans stuff for us to do together. I let him know that too.

Why can't there be a big old light on the top of his head that lights up when something is working?

Sage

[shinybear]

Hi Sage,

Has to be a quickie as H is waiting to watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" with me.

I just love you, girl! Acronyms that no one could possibly remember! At least you can laugh at yourself. One thing I know for sure, is you ARE very worthy as a human being, and I know there's a whole lot of "right" going on with you by the way your H is acting. Give yourself a break, hon.

Shiny

[discorded]

Sage,

Haven't been following your sitch... Very sorry. Kind of wrapped up in my own mood.

Well, I have to say that you are working pretty hard acting on good advises: Giving your H good time after having a good interaction. You did not resort to the old pattern giving him a hard time even though he tried to make an effort to spend time hanging out with you.

Okay, here comes the hard part. I know that your H is still in contact with OW; I know it eats away your heart as you did not get the return of love you wanted or deserved. What can you do? Is it time to give yourself a reward, especially after the final is done?

What else can we do to help Sage spend a happy and fulfilling time with herself, without obsessing with her H thinking of her or not?

It is hard all right, but at this point, you can only focus on yourself so you can truly DB and show the best of you when you have the opportunity to interact with H, the truly happy and fulfilled Sage?

Hang in there, my friend. You seemed to have made so much changes in you. You can keep moving along...

Chuck

[Umbrella24]

Hey sage, just checking up on you. I'm not being real active around here these days, so consider yourself special

OK, I think I'm seeing a trend here. I could be wrong, but it seems like every time things are going well between you guys, you start getting those feelings of insecurities, or DBIDKHTBAGW, as you would call it. Quit beating yourself up. Don't know how to be a good wife? Listen, there are probably a hundred guys around here who would kill for their wives to act like you are. So don't give me that, I'm not buying it.

I sometimes wonder if there is still some resentment from the A that you haven't been able to let go of. Therefore, when things start going well, maybe you feel like they SHOULDN'T be going well, and find a way to pull back. OK, I'll shut up now, before I get busted for practicing psychiatry without a license.

Sage, I think maybe it's time for you to just sit back and enjoy the ride for awhile, without trying to analyze everything so much. You've worked so hard on trying to keep your M together. Now your H is joining in, so maybe it's time to let him. Relax, and enjoy the gift you've been given. As you know, not everyone receives this gift. Cherish it, and most of all, have a good time. Take a break, before you burn yourself out.

Jim

[sage]

Hey sage, just checking up on you. I'm not being real active around here these days, so consider yourself special

I do, my friend! I miss you!

OK, I think I'm seeing a trend here. I could be wrong, but it seems like every time things are going well between you guys, you start getting those feelings of insecurities, or DBIDKHTBAGW, as you would call it. Quit beating yourself up. Don't know how to be a good wife? Listen, there are probably a hundred guys around here who would kill for their wives to act like you are. So don't give me that, I'm not buying it.

I think you've really hit the nail on the head here. I don't know if I'm just wired to make myself miserable or to make my H miserable but what both you and Chuck have said is correct (and validates what you're saying!) -- after a period of getting along well I freak out and create some sort of chaos. Sometimes it's "long term" (like after a period of a good week or so) but lately it's been "short term" -- can barely get through a good night without creating some crisis.

I realized today that I have a problem. Well, I think I knew it for a while but it just hit me again today -- (after some bad DB'ing last night) -- I swear, I feel like an addict to bad feelings -- I have to learn to take it one day at a time (really) -- I have to look my fears and insecurities head on and plow through 'em.

I sometimes wonder if there is still some resentment from the A that you haven't been able to let go of. Therefore, when things start going well, maybe you feel like they SHOULDN'T be going well, and find a way to pull back. OK, I'll shut up now, before I get busted for practicing psychiatry without a license.

I think this is certainly part of it -- part of it is also just squarely within myself -- feeling unworthy of love, I think (not to be melodramatic). As for the a., I know that I'm stuck in thinking that ow is getting away with this scott free. I'm also feel as though she was "chosen" by h (as opposed to me) -- and that feeling gets almost crazy when I wonder if a is still going on.

also, I was listening to a John Gray tape and he said this about anger....when you feel stuck in anger (and I am), think about what is also making you sad -- anger is about WHAT happened and sadness is about what DIDN't. Then, think about what you fear -- fear is about what you think MAY happen.

So...here it is -- my anger is about the a -- about h lying to me, choosing another over me, etc. My sadness is about him not keeping me and our M vows safe. I'm realizing more and more that safety is a huge thing for me and I feel very unsafe post-a. And my fear? Well, that it will happen again.

Anyway, I rambled on. You inspire me to talk and pour out my soul!

Sage

[sage]

Here's my horoscope for today:

I thought about you quite a lot while I was away. I began to wonder whether you really knew how much things were due to change after mid-June. So I made a mental note to myself. “When you get back, frame the current Gemini forecast in that long-term context.” Right now, much is uncertain and turbulent. That’s appropriate. You are preparing to break free of a psychological strait-jacket that you have been wearing for far too long. A time of struggle and restriction is ending. A time of great adventure lies just around the corner.

Had a crappy night last night of my own doing -- h and I went to play pool (he's teaching me) and then out to dinner. During dinner I asked him something about softball(not the same team that ow used to be on) then I asked him if I had made him uncomfortable by bringing softball up. of course, I couldn't let anything go, and ended up feeling weird and uncomfortable and untrusting. Then, "Six Feet Under" included "the bomb" for two of the characters and even though THAT ended ok I just felt completely freaked me out so I told h that I wished I didn't feel so insecure -- silence from him. Reminder to self -- cannot ask h for reassurance (verbal). anyway, it was crappy.

TODAY on the other hand was awesome. I called in sick to work (marriage health day!) and we went hiking for 3+ hours on a very tough trail -- then went to a matinee, a quick lunch, ran some errands and we're going to relax (after grilling) with a movie tonight (and of course, NYPD Blue if it's on). It's been one of those days that's just terrific.

So...what's the difference for me? Is it just being with H makes everything better? when I'm at work I work myself into a frenzy? I realized this morning that I'm making myself miserable AND I'm making him miserable. I find myself back to my old crappy habits of trusting nothing and questioning everything. Who wants to live like that?

I have to make myself better. I don't know how I'm going to do it...maybe it's enough to "do what works" and keep my PMA high. Also, to Chuck's point, I gotta keep building my life outside of my M.

Anyway, that's my story.

Sage