My wife and I have been together since we were young, she was 12 and I was 14. We are now 28 and 30, so its been 16 years together. We got married 4 years ago, 9/19 will be our anniversary. We bought our first house together last June (lived with my parents for 4 years before that, which put a strain on the relationship), and since it was a foreclosure, we remodeled and moved in Dec 2012, she was out of the house Feb 2013. During the course of this separation we went to therapy as a couple once (back in february when all this first happened). She told the therapist she wanted a divorce but wanted me to accept it. Therapist told her that I will never accept it and for her to either sh*t or get off the pot. I continued and still continue to go to therapy to work on myself.
A week later she went to one of these cheap divorce centers to purchase the divorce papers. Since then, she hadn't filed for almost 6 months and always told me she did, but then told me she lied and that she never did. During that period, she got a boyfriend and says she is happy and in love. However, she has contacted me over the course of this time period over 5 times, telling me how much she loves me and wants to come back, but that she can't, because she doesn't want to hurt him (her new boyfriend). Every time she told me she wanted to come back and said she was going to end it with him, the next day, she said she couldn't and didn't end it.
A few weeks ago, her boyfriend had reached out to me telling me that she is torn all the time (since she has gone back and forth 5 times over the course of the time we are separated). He told me that one of us has to make the decision to walk away from her and that either of us should respect it. I responded back to him stating that she's a grown woman and that she can make that decision herself and if she tells me to walk away I will and respect her decision, she has not yet told me to walk away. Her new boyfriend also stated that he would walk away if she tries to come back again, I took his word for it.
A week later, I met with my divorce lawyer since she had filed on Aug 9, her reasoning for filing was because I pushed her to do it (we got into an argument the week before about the back and forth). It was his recommendation (since he is also a long time family friend) to speak with her about working on some things so that we don’t have to waste time in mediation. I had contacted her about this and she gave me an attitude and told me she wouldn’t meet and that the divorce is what she WANTED. That night she had a really bad panic attack and went into the hospital, she didn't tell me, but her family and her new boyfriend had gone.
The next day she stayed home from work, and had called me that morning crying. She said she was really sick and if I can bring her a thermometer (which she later told me was an excuse to just see me). I work a block from her new place and had brought her a thermometer, we talked for 2 hours about how she was feeling, hugged and I left. 20 minutes later she texted me saying "I want to work on the marriage" and that she was going to tell her boyfriend everything and break it off. I told her that this is something she should decide on a whim, since the day before she said she WANTED the divorce. She told me it wasn’t a whim and she was thinking about it a lot.
She then called my mom, who she hasn’t spoken with since the separation and told her that "we" decided to work on the marriage. She called her mom and her sister and said the same thing. She even went as far as telling me she was going to move back in and that we should get a puppy (we also already have a dog together). Once again, that same night, she responded back saying she was going to sleep on it. The next day, she didn’t want to work on the marriage anymore. And her new boyfriend, who stated he would walk away if she pulled this again, did NOT walk away.
During the next few days I spoke with her about why she told me she wanted to work on the marriage one day and the next not want to. Her response was her emotions were out of whack since she was at the hospital the night before. And every time she does want to come back, and she doesn't, she blames it on feeling guilty or her emotions her out of whack.
Now I have been reading discussions and articles about a "hardened" heart. I feel that maybe she wants to come back but she cant because she has a hard heart and holds a lot of past hurts in and cant get past it. I do love her very much, she is my best friend, my everything, and I would always be there for that girl no matter what our relationship is. It’s hard for me not to answer her calls or texts when she needs someone to talk to. She still tells me to this day that she loves me and cares for me but is not in love with me. That I am her comfort, her security. She knows that I did and will always be able to support her financially, and everything was always OK no matter what life’s problems were.
She does not have that support with her new boyfriend since he is 5 years younger than her, no career, nothing, she knows there is not a future with him (She basically supports him, bought him a car under her name cause he couldn’t). However he provides the emotional support that she needs that I wasn’t able to give her during our time together. I own a business and am a very structured person and always have a busy mind, I always provided the big things for her (home, advice, gifts, never forgot a bday, ann, etc) but the little things (I love yous, random hugs and kisses, random flowers) I never did. There was no excuse or reason why I didn’t do these things, maybe it was just comfort of being with her for so long (I did those things in the beginning of the relationship). But going through therapy over the past few months has made me realize that the little things do matter and that sometimes I just need to sit down, relax and take in the world.
Now that I know what I have to do to provide that emotional support for her, I cannot show her as we do live apart, and she has a boyfriend. I would hate to walk away from this girl, because I still love her and care for her and want to be there for her no matter what. Also, to make it clear when she would come back I would get my hopes up and put my feelings into it, and when she backed off, I was heartbroken again. But the last two times, I do not get my hopes up or put feelings into it, cause I know she wouldn’t follow through. I've tried a lot of different things from being supportive for her, telling her I just want her to be happy, to being mysterious and out of her life for a little while. It ALL works and that is when she decides to come back, but when it comes time for her to break it off with her boyfriend, she goes against her word and says she cant get over the hurt (me not being emotionally there for her) and cannot let him (her boyfriend) go. And he wont disappear out of her life, even though he gave me his word he'd walk away if she tried to go back again, which I stated earlier he didn't, so his word is sh*t. Has anyone else experienced a similar situation and can shed light on this? Or any advice on what is going on in her mind or what I should do?
I recommend you copy and paste & print it out. Carry it in your pocket if you have to. I did.)
1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
And he wont disappear out of her life, even though he gave me his word he'd walk away if she tried to go back again, which I stated earlier he didn't, so his word is sh*t.
Don't accept the word of honor of some stranger who you know is actively engaged in an affair with a married woman. His life is already built on lies.
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Or any advice on what is going on in her mind or what I should do?
What is going on in her mind is a violent, raging storm of emotions. It's crazytown in there. You can't make sense of it, so don't try. SHE can't even make sense of it. She will do and say things one day and totally contradict them the next. Sound familiar?
As for what you should do, read DR. Read Sandi2's 37 Rules. Detach from your wife. GAL (get a life). Leave her alone. Work on yourself. Personally if it were me I would also tell her not to ever approach you about reconciling again unless she has ALREADY broken it off with her BF. She just keeps getting your hopes up and then dashing them to the rocks. I'd put a stop to that.
Hello there...I would also point you to Denver_2010's threads. He had an OM sitch and I think you could probably learn a thing or two (or 100) from reading them. Here's where it all began:
BITS M: 35 W: 35 T14, M11 D9, S6 ILYBINILY: June 09 Unofficially Separated (long distance): 1/2/11 W came home: 3/17/11 EE: July 2012 Dropped the rope: Oct 2012 Piecing: April 2013 Not piecing: April 2014 Stuck.
