Well... I found this site and let me say it truely has been a godsend!! My friends tried to explain things... but reading through everyones stories and the similarities is what really HIT home for me with my SO. I want to share my story and maybe someone can give me some insight. Let me know if I am on the right track, have any hope at all in reconciliation. My SO and I are not married but have been together for 7 years. We have a different story as I am 28 and he is 47. We have a 4 yr old together and I noticed some changes in him about 8-9 months ago. We had a HUGE life crisis when he lost his job of 15years due to his own mistake in Feb of 2013. I sort of blamed him a little for his choices. I think he blames himself some too but wont admit it. He started a new job in April. In May we had another family crisis and his nephew was in critical accident and June 7, 2013 after a horrible arguement he said he was leaving. He was angry saying he was DONE!. There was a OW at his work that kept telling him he deserved better and left her husband a week after we seperated. He and her began a relationship although they tried to hide it at first but my 4 yr old was the one to tell me about things. He decided on july 4th he wanted to come home and try to work things out but after he returned back to work around her july 8th he left again... I was heartbroken as I really thought i tried everythign I was supposed. I filed for child custody suit on july 18th. He was angry hurt and of course was right back with the OW. After a few weeks I tried being nice again and he started dropping hints he was not happy. I gave in and said I think we can work this out. He said he wanted to and wanted counseling.. we went to one session that discussed alot of things I needed to change... I thought I was doing better but obviously I wasnt trusting enough and he shared he still had feelings for the OW. I gave an ultimatum either me or her.. and that meant ending his new job to cut all ties. He chose to not cut all ties. I was crushed. I tried to back up and say that i will give more time but he already retreated right back to the OW. I was going to move out of the home we shared and force him back in it but changed my mind last minute so I am living in our home while he rents a place close to her and his job... We have spoken about our daugter and the home peacefully the last few conversations but...he says he probably wont come home. But he just doesnt know anything right now and dont want to give me any false hope. So now I am just letting go and acting "as if" and trying to make myself happy etc.. and waiting for the OW relationship to end. Any guidance or suggestions to what stage he could be in. And what other advice- is there still hope???? When he was home the second time it was amazing- we talked more than we ever have and worked great together but he kept wanting go stay back at his rented place and honestly i had trust issues with the OW that I was struggling with. BUT... I feel like we could work if he makes the decision to come back on his own.
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy book by MWD, Divorce Busting is also an excellent book.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read. This is my ultra brand new and improved list of links.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
The stages of MLC as rewritten by HB from Jim Conway are a template which can only be laid over an MLCer's experience retrospectively. It's impossible to see the pattern until it has finished being laid or the crisis is complete.(nickel Cyrena). So do not be too concerned where your MLC'er is in this process. (Although my general guess is that they are in REPLAY)
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does.
I would not ask him anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Thank YOU!! Last night he told me he sent an apology to my best friend for blaming her for all of our relationship problems. BUT, she never got a message. Im confused why he told me he sent the msg but never really did. I thought wow this is good- he is facing his demons of blaming everyone but... He hasnt mentioned the OW to me in over a week and our daughter hasnt spoke of her either during her visits BUT I know he sees her at work on a daily basis. I know in my heart this is MLC because of his age, actions and the things I hear from family and friends and what they see and think. He really is like a different person now and its scary.
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
"ok im not sure why my first one did not go but i did want to say im sorry i was so upset at you and thinking that you was part of our problem by man bashing all the time but now looking back as time goes by i see it was not you and for that i am truely sorry i know in my heart you are a good person and friend to S**** i really dont know where i or we as in Sharon and I went wrong but it did i wish it had not but it did but once again i am sorry"
This is what he sent to my best friend today! He told me on the telephone when HE called to talk about utility bill stuff that he had sent her an apology. He KNOWS that we share everything... I am unsure whether he is trying to get me to respond to his email to her or see what she has to say. I am doing NOTHING! Now , my Best friend sent back what she wanted to him and it sounded good to me, lol. Can anyone explain is this him trying to get through the tunnel??
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
Had to go to child custody mediation today. I just got my paperwork and walked on out going to my car. He called my name and asked if I would get something from him to take to my child. We chatted just a few minutes and I went to walk away and he said do you have a few minutes ... and I said yes a few. He then said - your hot date can wait. (not sure why he finds it neccesary to make these comments) I was dressed nicely as I am for all court type stuff and anytime I got out now...(thats one change Ive made for myself) But he did ask how i was doing - I said just fine. He keeps reiterating I dont hate you. ??? He wanted to talk about child custody stuff a little and I did discuss a few things but told him we could get into it more in the mediation session since that was what it was for. He said ok I do need to get to work.I said yeah you better and laughed like I didnt have to work... that was good. He asked why I came a different way- he had been behind me??? I just went the quickest way. Its like he has been keeping up on me if I go to spots we used to frequent he asks if I been there and then drops comments about that later in convos with our daughter. Im just still confused and trying hard to "go dark" be mysterious and act "as if" I am doing just fine.
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
Going to try reading these soon... I been reading through the posts/links above that was given for my homework. reading the sitchs of other ppl help to know I am not alone and trying to learn and understand as much as I can.
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
This is all sooo extremely hard. His son is grown and shared with me that today after our mediation he made a suicide threat. He told the OW he took a whole bottle of pills and really didnt. I am so worried but he obviously is NOT happy with her( which is part of the process too the more I read) . But we (my son and him) are scared to death that he will follow through one day and not make it out of this MLC!! I understand he is seeking attention, and depressed of course. Right now it seems to be related to the relationship with the OW and not from me because so far the last few weeks I have done nothing that I am aware of to set him off but...any suggestions or help would be appreciated. He told me tonight after calling our daughter that he wanted me to know that he was sorry for all the hurt and pain he caused me if something where to happen to him that he just didnt feel right. ??? I said stop apologizing its ok. He said "I know that my words dont mean that much"- I bit my toungue when I wanted to say no your actions mean more -" But I had to say them in case something where to happen to me. " I want so bad to reach out to him and ask if he is ok and just check up on him... but I dont know if I am supposed to or should or will be the correct thing to do when someone is in this deep of a situation and threatening suicide. I know his son said he was talking to the OW later this evening like things were ok so I didnt want to interfere on that and be the cause of them to have issues... because i know he has to learn that mistake on his own and not come back out of guilt or fear. I just feel alone right now. I was trying to take care of myself when he called to talk to our daughter and all this was brought to light. I just hope my prayers are heard and he is ok and in gods hands tonight.
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
Whew today again was a little rough I learned through my step son that he has been treating the OW terrible. Extreme jealousy, controlling, hateful, attention seeking- major attention seeking behaviors. Its taking all I have to process all this emotions ... I am hurt because I know I WOULD give him ALL the attention if he would come home but I realize at this pt I am not the one he wants it from. Im confused because again this is a 180 from all everyway he treated me. He had bad pts but this extreme was not one of them. Its a blow to my self esteem that he is soo possesive in nature and this woman is not that great looking and older than me... so yeah it hurts my ego etc... I understand its all part of the process, but its so hard to focus on myself when Im sitting here thinking.. why???? I am trying to read all the material I can with my 4 yr old home. I am trying to go dark and just had to speak to his stepson today cause I was very concerned with my SO well being after some comments that were made yesterday. Im scared if this is part of the new him... right now it seems worse than the old him!! ???
ME: 28yo SO:47yo D:4yo Split:6/7/13 OW:6/21/13 R attempts:7/4/13;8/14/13
His son is grown and shared with me that today after our mediation he made a suicide threat. He told the OW he took a whole bottle of pills and really didnt. I am so worried but he obviously is NOT happy with her( which is part of the process too the more I read) . But we (my son and him) are scared to death that he will follow through one day and not make it out of this MLC!! I understand he is seeking attention, and depressed of course. Right now it seems to be related to the relationship with the OW and not from me because so far the last few weeks I have done nothing that I am aware of to set him off but...any suggestions or help would be appreciated. He told me tonight after calling our daughter that he wanted me to know that he was sorry for all the hurt and pain he caused me if something where to happen to him that he just didnt feel right. ??? I said stop apologizing its ok. He said "I know that my words dont mean that much"- I bit my toungue when I wanted to say no your actions mean more -" But I had to say them in case something where to happen to me. " I want so bad to reach out to him and ask if he is ok and just check up on him... but I dont know if I am supposed to or should or will be the correct thing to do when someone is in this deep of a situation and threatening suicide. I know his son said he was talking to the OW later this evening like things were ok so I didnt want to interfere on that and be the cause of them to have issues... because i know he has to learn that mistake on his own and not come back out of guilt or fear. I just feel alone right now. I was trying to take care of myself when he called to talk to our daughter and all this was brought to light. I just hope my prayers are heard and he is ok and in gods hands tonight.