Taking A Stand; What's my Position?

[Mimi00]

Yes, that is right, the money doesn't replace anything. But maybe it will him to see I am the only one who is there for him and that's how its always been.

Why not call his sister who has helped him w/ advice to leave the marriage? Because she hasn't given him anything ever and won't ever have anything to give but her crap advice. He has no one but me.

Ive been thinking about taking my name off of the accounts, and have my check deposoted into my own accou t to show him I'm done and moving on as he wishes. Then he has no right to ask for anything. But we'll see. I will give it 2 more weeks.

[chl0901]

Hi Mimi, unless you are sure you want to be finished, I wouldn't give up just yet. I'm no vet and my sitch is completely different from yours, but both of us are only three months in and as all the vets say, that is still the beginning of the marathon. Obviously ultimately your decision is up to you though, so best of luck and hugs and support no matter what you decide to do!

[Mimi00]

H called me yesterday, about financial stuff per usual. I told him a story about something that happened w/ the dog after and then he went on to talk about how great his job is, how much support he gets from the people there in general (he also went on and on about his supervisor and how supportive she is to him.............*sigh*), he then began asking me questions, like how to I like my job, what are my plans in working there and will I be moving closer to the city, also do I talk to my parents often and what do I plan to do with the building I purchased to start my non-profit in before BD.
I had no idea what to say, it was odd having questions asked of me by him b/c usually I let him talk and then I say goodbye, I'm not used to sharing and I don't know how much to share or how much to remain a mystery. I guess he could tell I was nervous/didn't know what to say, so I probably just came off as a loser. He said "I'm not quizzing you, just wondering how you're doing". If you're wondering how I am doing, why not just simply as that? (I didn't say that)---I responded that my focus is work and I haven't put much thought into any future plans...then I ended the conversation a few minutes later.

Which is true, I work 6 days a week just to survive and have $40 left over a month to GAL. How about I tell him the truth I can't continue to work I was doing putting together my non-profit stuff b/c obviously I had a husband who supported me financially so I could try out one of my dream, for once in my life...now I have to work 12hrs a day just to get by.

This crap is frustrating. It's been a little over a year since H initially told me he was unhappy, went to a few counseling sessions
9 months since we had to move apart b/c of his job
5 months since I started DB after him being unhappy again
3 months since he BD'd; officially moved hundreds of miles away. Not much has changed...but I guess my no contact and no-pursuing has put a halt to him filing for now b/c I'm not on his mind and he's busy w/ work.

Hi Mimi, unless you are sure you want to be finished, I wouldn't give up just yet. I'm no vet and my sitch is completely different from yours, but both of us are only three months in and as all the vets say, that is still the beginning of the marathon. Obviously ultimately your decision is up to you though, so best of luck and hugs and support no matter what you decide to do!

Hi Chl0. Thanks for checking on me in my thread. Hope you are well!

[Mimi00]

H called today, about 10 days since the last time he called.
(FYI: I haven't called him in 2.5 months, I've initiated texts 2 times in 2 months, once time was not necessary, the other was important.)

Funny b/c on my last post I noted that he only calls b/c of financial business, to let me know he's spending or about a bill etc...

Today he called and instead of starting off talking about "business" he began with "what's up?!", I was caught off guard so I began w/ telling him the dog has been very sick for the last 3 days, but seems to be in better spirits today. etc... then asked him how he's doing?

He started off w/ telling me he decided to stop smoking this month. (Background info: We dated long distance, he lied to me while dating and said he didn't smoke, I didn't find out until marriage that he did. It was a huge problem. #1 because he broke trust by lying, #2 I would never date a smoker...let alone marry someone who was a smoke and want them to quit, as I am not a forceful person.)

So now that we're not together, he quits, and for now has an electronic cigarette that he plans on using for 1 month and then stepping down from there to be completely done w/ smoking. I told him that's a big step, congrats, and that I am proud of him. He said "thanks, I am proud of me too"

He went on to talk about work and how great everyone is per usual...then he talked about his new apartment, and being excited to decorate (he never helped me decorate our place together, I'd have to drag him to the store. But he did always complement my decorating skills and bragged about me decrating when people came to visit), he said he has a budgeting app on his phone so he can try to "as good as you" at budgeting. So I guess that is a positive he complemented me in a way?

I sometimes feel that with him wanting to decorate, budget etc... that he's taking the positive things he learned from me/things I did for us, and is implementing them in his new life.

Overall we talked for about 45 mins.

One thing he brought up that came to my mind a few weeks ago: this is his first time ever living alone. After college he moved back in with his mother & grandmother and took care of her, then moved in with a girlfriend and when that relationship went sour she tried to kill herself to stop him from leaving, then from there he moved back with his mom, then we met (while he was still living with/supporting his mom, and he moved from living with her to being married and moving in with me. So he said he's excited to be on his own completely, buying furniture etc...

While he was saying this I began to feel sad, while I understand his happiness, hearing his plans for his apartment etc... and where he plans to live next year etc.. etc... hurt a little. But I kept my self together. Validating etc.

I ended the conversation after about 45 mins.
The last few conversations, as I've noted here, he ended with "call me if you need anything... or call me if you have questions..." etc.

Today when I ended the conversation he said
"Ok, I just wanted to see how you were doing. I didn't call for anything specific, in case you were wondering...."

We'd talked for 45 mins, clearly nothing specific was brought up... so I obviously I knew at this point that he didn't call for anything specific, as he usually does. So I'm wondering if maybe he wanted to make sure I noticed that this call wasn't like the others?
(I know mind reading).

[KdogGS]

Hey Mimi, That sounds like some baby steps in the right direction. Remember not to read too far into anything (from what I've been reading from the vets.) It seems like he could be testing the waters, keep BD'ing and keep your positive outlook. Remember the roller coaster can go down again as well, try and stay detached.

I hope you have a great rest of your weekend. I'm sorry you only have $40 a month to GAL on.

[Mimi00]

Hey Mimi, That sounds like some baby steps in the right direction. Remember not to read too far into anything (from what I've been reading from the vets.) It seems like he could be testing the waters, keep BD'ing and keep your positive outlook. Remember the roller coaster can go down again as well, try and stay detached.

I hope you have a great rest of your weekend. I'm sorry you only have $40 a month to GAL on.

Thanks so much for stopping by my thread K.
I was feeling so low when I wrote my previous post 10 days ago about the amount I have to GAL on....its kind of interesting reading old posts and seeing my own emotional roller coster. Since then my Pastor during sermons at church that have really helped me get more balanced...such as "your job is not your source". Third last week I've really noticed how God is reassuring me of positive things such as that.
I'm saving up for a big GAL at the end of the month.....I'm hoping to sky dive. Something I'd never ever consider doing before my sitch happened.

Hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend as well! Thanks again!

[KdogGS]

Hey Mimi,
How are things going? I saw you joined meetup groups, I just joined a few too where I live, which groups did you join and how did those activities go? I've never tried it, so it will be a step into the unknown for me.

I hope you had some fun this weekend!

[Mimi00]

Hey Mimi,
How are things going? I saw you joined meetup groups, I just joined a few too where I live, which groups did you join and how did those activities go? I've never tried it, so it will be a step into the unknown for me.

I hope you had some fun this weekend!

I joined 3 groups:
a workout group, a dealing w/ divorce/seperation women's group and also a fun women's only group.
I deleted the divorce group and didn't go to any meetups b/c I noticed from the profiles most of the women initiated their divorces or were already throguh the process and I'd rather be around more like minded people/positivity....not WAS's (though im sure some had very valid reasons for leaving)...unfortunately.

The work out group I attended a 5k w/ a few weeks ago. It was ok...this was about a month ago...the leader of the group was the only one who showed up.....she brought her husband. I felt a bit odd.....like there were a million people around but I still felt all alone. But I pushed through my feelings and did have fun. I haven't been to another meet up with that group only because the meetups conflict with my work times....but I would definitely do an activity w/ them again. The push to work out is great.

The last group is an all women's group w/ ladies from the area who are new here like me and don't have many friends in this area. I went out to eat with them 3 weeks ago...it was nice, they were all kind. They have not had any meet ups since that one b/c the leader was on vacation...but I signed up for 2 events in November they have planned...I look forward to them.

Meetup is a great idea/website.

[KdogGS]

Great, thanks for the info, I'll definitely check one out!

[chl0901]

Mimi, if you want to go skydiving, I say save up and do it! I did it 3 years ago and it was amazing! Such a big rush and a big accomplishment - made me feel great about myself to do something so crazy.

Hope you are doing well and have a great week!