better to love or be loved?

[willbwell]

sometimes I think I can move on. Can't say I have ...I am still wishing and hoping for h to wake up.
the hurt still lingers there greatly. that h chooses another over his family.

[RosaLinda]

WbW "I know h is in an active affair and it does me no good to show disappointment. 

This is what is confusing to me. on the one hand I am bright and cheerful on the other, he gets away with his a. I want to be friendly, but its like I am giving him permission..."

Wonder is right, WillBe. You are not giving your H permission, just accepting that's where he is right now, giving him time and space to get it out of his system, and moving on with your own life in the meanwhile. As uRworthy would put it, "cherishing your H enough to let him go with love."

I know it hurts you to know your H is having an affair. It seems to be something most of these MLCers try in an attempt to feel better about themselves. But how can a relationship based on lies, cheating and deception make anyone feel better about themselves? Remember MLCers affair DOWN, not up like normal philanderers do!

He knows you are disappointed in him, but he needs to do this right now. Don't drive him away with recriminations. Just keep being your fabulous self. Give him space and don't approach him. When he approaches you, be attentive and cheerful and lovely. You will look so good to him in comparison to OW!!!

[willbwell]

Thank you for that reminder. Hate that I let ow in my head. affair down is right! ow is twice divorced! I know its all fantasy- no responsibility. I am fabulous. I think h still knows this...but he feels tied down to this homelife. he sees co-workers doing their "own thing" dating younger women.
It is just too bad he forgot how much his family loves and needs him and I can't say that to him for risk of feeling as if I am pursuing or being needy.
I do give him space.I read somewhere Linda where you wrote h would be nice to you and then you would engage him. I feel the same. H will be here and things seem 'normal' and I will want to chat as if all is normal only to see that look/demeanor come back. then, I am kicking myself.

BTW, How are you feeling, doing??

[willbwell]

staying focused on kids and my school work. reading the book Uncoupling. its a hard one...trying to understand h perspective.
They just want out at no cost..
Its been more than a week since h saw kids. he sends texts. the time he is with them is so limited. D15 asks when she will see her dad. she asked yesterday why didn't dad call? I didn't say well that is because he is out of town where ow lives and probably otherwise engaged. No, I just say well you will have to ask him.
Just heard about another pair of friends, co-workers of H that are now separated. WTH?

[willbwell]

how is it that I am not supposed to say anything?
D15 calls him. goes to voice mail. He's out with his work people. He's the one picking up the bill-company expense but he gets a big ego trip from it. All of them saying "thanks h"Ive been there. Ive seen how it works. Those people don't care about h. They are not thinking about him after they leave, That's what I want to say. They don't care about you as a person. Your children and your wife do!
He calls/texts his kids when it is convenient for h.
If I say something then I am the you know what. I still have to act all pleasant meanwhile I feel like screaming!!

[figgeroni]

remember...

it is his relationship with his kids...not yours

your job is not to facilitate their relationship

[willbwell]

sad for my kids though. I took my ring off today. getting fed up. I am disappointed. can't hide that. feel physically ill.

[willbwell]

Why can't I detach?

[Iwondertooo]

You can and you will detach with time. It is a long process. What did you do for yourself today? Wonder

[willbwell]

I went to class . I looked cute! I had lunch after class with a friend. I went and got a mani/pedi.
I had dinner together with my kids. I studied and did hw.along with s 17. so overall, a good day.
class again today. I like my classes. Wish I could share about them with h. will see h tonight. h has not seen kids in a week and will stop by.
I have to fake it. He was in city for work where ow lives. have to act like that doesn't bother me?? have to act like I have moved on...