Hi there. Brand new to the forum. Some very refreshing stuff here. Thanks to everyone who contributes, looks like thre is a lot to learn but we all have come from similar places.
As for me, I am trying to save my 17 yr marriage. We've been in and out of counseling for 3 years now. Each time I didn't understand a thing, and thought I made changes that I needed to, but still didn't "get it". I am now "getting it" and in the process of changing myself for the better me.
We have 2 wonderful daughters. Both our families live in the same town (moms, dads, bro's, neices and nephews for both of us). So there is a lot of support. We are in counseling together and currently have been separated for 6 weeks.
More to come...once I get the DB admin approval
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
Had our second date. W asked to go golf with her. We haven't done that since last year (and we belong to a country club). We had a great time. She also asked me to goto dinner after. I tried to make every convo about her (you you you) and kept "I" out of it. I think it went great. Best thing, it came normally.
I started to ween myself off of lexapro too. I have anxiety. But I think I am going to start back on it full time. This weekend was tough, but managed to keep my cool.
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
I actually thought that Divorse Busting is reading for people that aren't yet thinking about D or Separation. so I started with Divorse Remedy. DB = self help guide to making a marriage work that probably everyone should read, DR = when the chit hits teh fan and you REALLY need the help? Amirite?
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
I actually thought that Divorse Busting is reading for people that aren't yet thinking about D or Separation. so I started with Divorse Remedy. DB = self help guide to making a marriage work that probably everyone should read, DR = when the chit hits teh fan and you REALLY need the help? Amirite?
I would say yes that is a good enough explanation. DR is what I would suggest most people here to read, although I read both of them.
Originally Posted By: mathwichi
Moderators can't update?
From another thread, although moderators more than likely can edit, there are not very many mods here, and they are more concerned with the TOS and keeping the board running than making it smoother for posters especially newbies.
UBB and this board in particular has its own traits and they removed the editing function from users a few years ago. So it is possible that it is different for mods too.
Welcome to DB and keep posting so you get off of moderation.
Had our second date. W asked to go golf with her. We haven't done that since last year (and we belong to a country club). We had a great time. She also asked me to goto dinner after. I tried to make every convo about her (you you you) and kept "I" out of it. I think it went great. Best thing, it came normally.
I just want you to be prepared for what's likely ahead- in my sitch and in many others here the WAS initially showed what appeared to be interest in making things work including MC, dates, etc. But often they are well and truly done and they just do these things to "prove" that they "tried everything" but that the M is dead. The WAS is on their own journey and there's nothing you can do to speed them along. In fact, often when you try to fix things it just slows their journey down and distracts them from the work they need to do on themselves. That's why DB'ing pushes giving the WAS time and space.
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I started to ween myself off of lexapro too. I have anxiety. But I think I am going to start back on it full time.
If you've only been S'd for 6 weeks then it's too soon to ween off of A/D meds. Discuss it with your PCP, but I suspect they will recommend staying on them at least a few more months.
mathwichi, What anotherstander says make sense. How I interpret it is let her make all the advances and you none of them. Unless she initiates things, don't be the first to initiate things. If she does initiate them then go along with it. Does that make sense? Have you read Sandi's rules on here? It's a set of guidelines to follow whilst she's apart from you and while she's working out what she wants in life. Hope you have a nice weekend and find plenty to keep you occupied
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Yes, I agree with her making the advances, and she is, finally. I know that she needs to feel like she can trust me, feel safe, , feel respected and loving by me, for her to open up. I am grateful that she is trying, but I won't let that steer me into my old self, I PROMISE. I will still grow to be leading these naturally.
Last night I got a text after my FIL's Bday dinner at her moms house stating that she had a good time with me. I replied in her same words that I agreed. Then this AM, she opened up and hugged me for the first time in 3 months. It is her 18th year as a teacher and she, and our kids, all started the first day of school today. I complimented her respectfully (hair and dress), and helped with the kids to get to school. My oldest daughter saw it her eyes lit up like the sunrise. I think W tried to hug me last night after dinner, but I think I made a sudden move that stopped her. I pretended like I didn't even realize what was happening.
tonight, She made dinner for all of us. I cannot wait as it has been 3 months since we ate as a family. We came to the agreement that we should still be separated (it has been 60 days t date and is what we initially agreed to with the counselor), but W wanted to still go a little slow. So I get 48 hours a week for now, at home, with W and kids. I will take it as a positive sign again.
Also, I couldn't break a long tradition. Each year I send flowers to W at her school. I almost didn't, as a lot of what I am reading states no gifts for the WAS. The card stated "Good luck with your 18th year, XYZ Grade School should be proud that you served them for so long". No "I love you, and the florist didn't put a signiture on it. So W had to ask me if I sent them. I had to laugh. But W thanked me for the beautiful spring flower setup and vase. I also complimented/admired her fpr staying with the same employer for so long and that this says a lot about your enjoyment for your job and the people that you work with. I am trying to make her realize that I do like the people that she works with. A while back I told her that I didn't like some of them, (some are divorsing and still iving with their spouces, but picking up guys everywhere they go). So I probably said some things I shouldn't have in the past.
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
This all sounds positve mathwichi You're doing all the right things and she did appreciate the flowers so it was the rough thing to do Don't beat yourself up about saying negative things about her collegueas. It's been said and it's over and done with now, so just let it lay low Hope you have a good week, keep in touch
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Last night's dinner went great. Then, some of the other kids and in laws of the family came over with their kids to have a "First day of School" treat. After everyone left I was in the living room and W went into the office for 3 hours. She was "doing e-mails and bills". I asked her if it was ok to sleep in the bed, she wanted me to sleep in a different room. Hmmm. That wasn't what I expected. I got grumpy and it was hard to hide it. I should just keep thinking that it was a positive move for her to just allow me to be in the same place and have dinner and some fun. Not the whole shebang....
"Do what you can With what you have Where you are" - Theo. Roosevelt
