Just a follow up question, if somehow we do have plans set and she breaks them, what would an appropriate response be on my part? I don't want to come off as weak or a nag anymore but I also don't want to keep taking it and there be no response.
That's why you need to keep it low key. If you set up some weekend getaway with reservations then it's an ordeal if she breaks it. But if you're just going to dinner and she changes her mind, you just shrug and say "OK" and leave it at that. No big deal.
I agree with both your posts AS I do this with H if I've got a family outing to go to. I ask him and if he says no or I don't know then I just go with my son anyway as if it's no big deal. I also never remind him about it. He gets one chance to go and that's it. I know he's got a bad memory but if he really wanted to go then he'd remember. Good for you hurt to say you're going to do your own thing from now on It will not stop her from moving on, but it'll make her stop and think. Also don't offer her a ride anymore, she can make her own way there from now on. Treat her as if you are just housemates from now on as that what she wants to be at the moment. You should always be nice to her and if she starts arguing then just walk away. Don't get into arguments with her. Also go around singing or humming to yourself to show her that you're happy, but don't go over the top with this. When you're going out, make an effort - sing in the shower and get dressed up even if you're only going out with mates. If she asks then just say I'm just going out with a few friends. That'll make her think as well, but make sure it's true in case she gets someone to follow you. She will be so frustrated that she doesn't know what you are doing or where you are going. She may think you're going out with a girl, but always tell the truth and don't start going out with girls. I always worry about that with my H, I've got a friend who's male but he's gay as well. My son comes with me to see him as he works at a local shop and we often pop in on our way home. I'm worried that one day he'll say to H "oh we went to see D today!". Last thing I need is a reason for H to D me.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
You've been around the track a couple times now on 180/GAL/Act as If. One of two things are possible (1). You didn't really commit to it and never stopped your pursuit or (2). You did stop pursuit and it didn't work.
If its the first one, you can go back to square one with DB and really commit to it this time -- let her go, no pursuit.
If you feel you did a good job of it before but still find yourself here, time to do something different. I would work on boundaries:
You will not allow people to speak to you disrespectfully You will not tolerate threats You will not tolerate W agreeing to plans with you and then breaking them, etc etc
If she breaks your boundaries, you need to think about what you will do and have that set out in advance.
I would give her the "Things are going to change around here" talk and be prepared to move out or move her out the minute she disrespects you or an agreement you have made. Play hard ball.
Being nice and accommodating isn't working. The 12,546th nice thing you do for her won't bring her back, nor will the 34,567th nice thing you say. Do something different
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I do this with H if I've got a family outing to go to. I ask him and if he says no or I don't know then I just go with my son anyway as if it's no big deal. I also never remind him about it. He gets one chance to go and that's it. I know he's got a bad memory but if he really wanted to go then he'd remember.
Well done, that's exactly how MWD describes it in DR. Make plans to go whether they go or not. Invite them along, but make it clear you're going regardless. Something like "S and I are going to the zoo Saturday, you're welcome to join us if you wish." And if they refuse, then you go anyway. This may not apply to a birthday like Hurt was asking about (you can't really say 'W, I'm going to your bday party, you're welcome to come along if you want', LOL!), but it's relevant to most other stuff.
lol at W's birthday party. Thanks for the encouragement AS I do often wonder if I'm doing things right
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
So what do you think you have done that has contributed to your M getting to this point? Those are the things you should be working on while you give her space.
With regards to your M, a lot of what you're doing reminds me of my own sitch. You play nice, you hang out when you can, you make plans, and things seem good to you. Then she breaks plans, or stays out late, or whatever, and you are stressed out and arguing with her, at which point she talks D. That my friend is a roller coaster ride I bought many tickets for....and it $ucks.
So how do you get off the ride? One, you work on yourself as I mentioned above. Two, you GAL....hard. You meet new people, you work out, you get busy, you start enjoying life outside of your M. Three, you stop being available for your W and stop accepting all her invitations to do things. And four, you learn to break your codependent behavior and respect yourself.
Believe me, the longer you stay on this ride, the worse shape you will be in as well as your M. It doesn't get better until, as Acc said, you do something different.
That is so true Breakdown and you don't realise any of this until it hits you hard like it has done with me today I've been making myself available to my H without me realising I'm doing it. Tomorrow I've got a haircut in town and my son is at work experience. I plan to take my son for a meal afterwards in town and H said he wants to come over in the afternoon. I've been thinking that I need to get home so we can be there when H is there and he can see his son. Now I've found out that he's been going out with a friend on Sunday when he was supposed to be seeing his son so I figured I'm not going to rush home just so we can all have lunch together and if he wants to join me and my son in town then it's up to him I'm not going to make myself available to him anymore, he's got to fall into our plans in future! It does need a short sharp shock though to make you realise that you've been doing this.
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's been a few days and I've been focusing on me and what I have to do to be a better man, for myself and my wife if things ever get back on track. I made some plans tonight to catch up with some friends and then we'll see where the rest of the weekend takes us.
I've also been reflecting on things and I was thinking about some of what Breakdown said, specifically the question "what do you think you have done that has contributed to your M getting to this point?" I think the answer is actually quite simple, I didn't do anything. Anything as in, I just continued with what had been working, or at least what I thought it was, and didn't look to change my approach or things as indicators would pop up. I took our relationship for granted because it seemed so "easy". We never fought but was that because we didn't have problems? Or was it because we appeased each other? I think it's clear now what the answer to that question is.
All it took was for people other than me to take interest in her to upset the applecart, or at least mine. Looking back now, any time we had problems it was because someone other than me took interest in her. Is that her looking for someone else, or was it me trying to control her and who she associated with? We had this problem before our wedding when she started hanging out with a male coworker, last year obviously with her affair and now with her going out and detaching again. Each time it was new people in her life that she was drawn towards, which in turn drew her away from me.
I was reading some other posts on the forum and many of them have similar situations where the WAS talks about wanting a divorce but hasn't done anything with it to date. This is the second go around for me in two years with this situation and I'm curious if I should continue to treat it as a shot across the bow technique from her, or if I should prepare to eventually go down that road. As far as I'm concerned, I have no intentions of initiating that process and I've made that crystal clear but I also don't want to keep whistling in the dark if that makes any sense.
M: 29 W: 29 T: 12 years M: 4 years Discovered OM: 02/10/12 ILYBNILWY: 03/01/12 W Moves Out: 05/04/12 Reconciliation Starts: 09/06/12 In-house Separation (Again): 03/09/13
Hi hurt, you're doing really well I'm really impressed I too don't want to be whistling in the dark, but I'd like to see where I'm going with this. If you want, set yourself a time frame - say a year from now and if after a year then evaluate where you are and whether you would still want her back. I've given my H a year and I'm going to see what happens after that. My H said he was going to start D proceedings, but to date I've heard nothing. I'm assuming it's because he can't afford the fees. I'm not going to bring this up as I don't really want to know. Hope you have a good time this weekend, keep us updated
H47 me48 T22 M21 S20 - Got high functioning autism 3/2000 H admits to OW and moves out to live with her 11/2000 H moves back home 2/4/13 H moves out H tells me he wants D 6/13, but now he can't afford to!
I do this with H if I've got a family outing to go to. I ask him and if he says no or I don't know then I just go with my son anyway as if it's no big deal. I also never remind him about it. He gets one chance to go and that's it. I know he's got a bad memory but if he really wanted to go then he'd remember.