Laying down my heart and feeling the power

[uRworthy]

Oh sweetie, I did not mean that at all. I am so sorry if that is what you understood.

Your h's still loves you. How can he not? He is just so blinded by crisis.

The thing is that even if they come through this, they are forever changed. And the truth is, so are we.

And so, when/if your marriage is restored, it will be different. But that isnt a bad thing because it will be a marriage born of two people who weathered the storm and realize that more than anything they choose to be together to build a new marriage.

I feel terrible that if I made you feel badly. That is never my intent.

I believe that deep down he knows those things he says arent true. But in his broken and hurt mind, he is so confused. And so they lash out at those closest to them.

[beatrice]

I'll still have my happy memories, ss you say, but there's a chance that he'll always remember me as the lying cheating bitch who stole the best years of his youth from him. frown

No Linda he won't. I am not going into competition here for mean MLCers - too much competition!! but even though my poor crazy husband is still lost in MLC he really really doesn't think or say those things about me any more. It is like a toddler saying 'I hate you' when you thwart what they think they want at the time. Or when a teen says mean things about you!

If you take to heart the things they say you will be sad and hurt. In their own way they love us still - but we also represent a lot of their negative feelings about themselves and their lives. That is not our fault - we happen to standing in the way of a truck that is out of control.

Have a great time in the UK - it is a lovely part you are going to. And as for driving on the left - a lot of countries in the world do so including India with 650 million people, and Japan. Not to mention Indonesia and Australia. So good practice for when you go further afield!

[nero]

hey linda-

isle of wight - lucky you. I alwasy wanted to go there. we traveled ALOT_- it was alwsy sooo fun & wonderful times for years & years. why it means more to me than h- i cannot say. i could easily make myself cry this moment, but not gonna go there.

the whole "letting go" of our old m & r thing. it's awful, i feel it too. i remember and probably "cling" to those memories.

how in the world we just tra la forward & never give it a thought - well, impossible of course. little by little a day or afternoon comes when i don't remember past or give it a thought. it's sad, but i guess good too. every stinking morning it's the first thing that pops into my mind tho-

that's a bummer- bad start & i immediately drink a ton of coffee- get going - shove my brain back down there - and get busy- BUT - it's an unreal way to live. i think it's the only thing one can do tho- or you'd lay in yoru bed bleeding all day every day and cease to exist. i guess that's why people become alcoholics, or kill themselves. (a quick "fix" to a big long problem? some fix huh? destroying self to dull the pain)

anyway- not a viable one for us i think...

i GUESS HONESTLY (and since no possible OTHER realistic choice - - - - I'M GOING TO trust to the old adage that time heels all wounds and just keep plugging away. even when i've got no particular faith in fact of ever feeling really happy again- you know, "that" kinda happy- cherished, the object of someone's desire/life -

we don't seem to have a choice. MAN - DO i hate saying that out loud- however, in this, no power, no choice, no nothin.

we can't even (take a page from their book) and run out and get boinked and find some jerk that will 'LOVE US MADLY' immediately.

our normal brains would kick in and say it's , of course, just a sham and a bandaid on a broken heart. all true-

i got nothin but OH WELL - i'm jealous of your trip- someday i sure hope we become philosophical- sufficiently scabbed over that we don't feel the pain (or it's become rectified by a new r w/ h or someone who is 'REAL LOVE" in our lives.

ASIDE FROM that - what else have we got here? or to do here on this stupid planet???

you've got kids, i've got a few neic3es i love - i guess we can only hone in on those we have to love and put our caring there- and keep movin - somewhere - anywhere. like a sharke and woody allen in annie hall - rite? have to keep movin or die and we've got a dying shark on our hands????

idk- i'm pretty dreary old sock this morning- kind of washed over by the sadness of meaning nothing to this jerk (well, feeling like it). he says otherwise- i think his actions speak louder than his words.

perhaps in his mind paying bills and NOT tossing me out of his life is caring- me, i'd have thought letting me off some hook rather than years of pain were caring- who the heck knows what is in anyone's heart? maybe they are screwed up and this is not the "real " them. maybe not- maybe we just kind of "misread" 38 years (that doesn't even sound possible to me - BUT HEY???)

ANYWAY- your trip - yay. enjoy it - Ilove England . it's my fantasy place to run away to- some little town that has not yet reached the max 21st century lifestyle that is (i sometimes think) destroying the fabric of american values, families & lives. i know- an easy thing for ME TO BLAME IT ON -

THO i do wonder. peopoel incapable of a conversation - only one line texts, etc. i worry about it- but again- POWERLESS>

THAT is the hard thing to accept - NO POWER OVER ALL THIS- must just ride alone and see what the tide throws up here.

oh man- hardest thing i ever did - LET GO.... working on that.

maybe it will be useful when we're ancient as hell and need to realize we're going to die soon and need to LET GO because, lets face it- it comes to us all??? so, ick! that doesn't sound like much of a consolation - does it? gonna fight like hell like my mother??? idk

i'm goin over to neroland and see what's cooking.

hope your day is okay- hope you're okay- i'm gonna go blow down to the shore for a couple days. heart's not in it- but it's SOMETHING and that's better than nothin and see my neice up from VA with her baby- we love babi4s!!! so much "hope" in a baby & so much happiness... gonna suck some up & remember -

what a sad sack - did i just say that- made myself smile here at what a pitiful sorroful sack of you know what i am this a.m.-

where's that gallon of coffee- car keys- throw the pile of crappola in room in a bit so don't see when i come back and hit the road-

xxoo hang on man- we can surely do this- why would we want to just "give up" on self & remain like this forever????? we are NOT merely wounded animals - we can prevail (in the end) whenever the hell that is... i'm pretty darn sure (well me anyway- i do not want to spend alot more of my life feeling like THIS - TOTALLY f/d up and not liking it one bit. the best revenge is going to be doing what even i think i can't - move the heck on and get a stinking (happy)life........

xxoo

[beatrice]

Linda and Nero - this is how I think it works psychologically for us

how in the world we just tra la forward & never give it a thought - well, impossible of course. little by little a day or afternoon comes when i don't remember past or give it a thought. it's sad, but i guess good too. every stinking morning it's the first thing that pops into my mind tho-

that's a bummer- bad start & i immediately drink a ton of coffee- get going - shove my brain back down there - and get busy- BUT - it's an unreal way to live. i think it's the only thing one can do tho- or you'd lay in yoru bed bleeding all day every day and cease to exist. i guess that's why people become alcoholics, or kill themselves. (a quick "fix" to a big long problem? some fix huh? destroying self to dull the pain)

What happened to us hurt a lot and it is normal to feel lots of pain, and go on feeling it. But the pain really is the grit in the oyster - we start to grow the pearl, and become someone better than we were. If you didn't hurt you would find it hard to heal. Someone used to post about living authentically, and I think that is what we have to try and do, being true to ourselves, not denying that we loved someone, and that we are hurt, but looking always to heal and move beyond it.

And we need crutches, which as we heal we gradually are able to cast away.

It is our spouses/ex spouses who instead of dealing with their pain wreck the lives of others, and are still damaged.

This does not define you, but there really is no way to the other side but through it.

When we have dealt with it you will look back and realise how much you have changed.

[Gettingoverit]

Nero your post says exactly how I'm feeling today as well,just want someone to look at me with love. I just go through the motions each day and wonder what my purpose is in this world. Want to tell h to go away and leave me alone because when he comes he just ticks me off and I'm down for the day,don't want to feel like this anymore, just would like to know why!!

[albamarie]

What happened to us hurt a lot and it is normal to feel lots of pain, and go on feeling it. But the pain really is the grit in the oyster - we start to grow the pearl, and become someone better than we were. If you didn't hurt you would find it hard to heal. Someone used to post about living authentically, and I think that is what we have to try and do, being true to ourselves, not denying that we loved someone, and that we are hurt, but looking always to heal and move beyond it.

And we need crutches, which as we heal we gradually are able to cast away.

It is our spouses/ex spouses who instead of dealing with their pain wreck the lives of others, and are still damaged.

This does not define you, but there really is no way to the other side but through it.

When we have dealt with it you will look back and realise how much you have changed.

This is exactly what I needed to read right now, I'm trying to focus on the other side and being a better me, in a better R, w this heart ache far behind me. I look forward to the healing, if only I could get away from the everyday of this still. Thanks

[Gettingoverit]

I so agree,looking forward to the healing and this not consuming me. No matter how busy I keep myself I'm still coming home to an empty house and say to myself "is this the way my life is going to be?"

[beatrice]

I so agree,looking forward to the healing and this not consuming me. No matter how busy I keep myself I'm still coming home to an empty house and say to myself "is this the way my life is going to be?

Feeling that it will be like this forever can be a symptom of (very understandable) depression. I remember so well thinking I would feel wretched FOREVER, which made it worse!!

But life has lots of twists and turns and wonderful surprises.

During my xh's MLC I have had so much fun. At first, and for a long time, I faked it, and then I didn't need to.

Most important I have learned to be alone, and re-found who i am. Re-finding joy takes a long time, but you get there.

Do I wish it had happened, of course not, but a lot of good things have happened while my xh has been in crazyland. And I am soooooooo glad I am not there with him.

[RosaLinda]

uR I'm sorry, what you said did not make me feel bad, I made myself feel bad. When a person feels awful and unloveable, it's hard to accept the idea that a person who treats her like a stranger they ran across in a hotel lobby ( or the "hired help" ) might actually harbor love for her. 

I am usually pretty cheery and usually actually do believe what you say, that "Your h's still loves you. How can he not? He is just so blinded by crisis." Most of the time I feel that way, and it keeps me standing. If he does not love me, why would he stay here? It is inconceivable to me, if I fell in love with someone else, who desperately wanted to marry me, I would leave and make it happen. He stays, he must care about me. But then I think maybe he's just biding his time, living here "like friends" with me supporting us until he feels well enough to get a full time job making enough money so he can get RT a green card and and bring her here. But that hasn't happened in the past 6 years, why worry about it now. It is what it is. 

Sorry I was just rambling on!

I agree with what you wrote Bea, thanks. "In their own way they love us still - but we also represent a lot of their negative feelings about themselves and their lives" -- maybe that is part of my H's rewriting, when he tells everyone I have been lying and cheating on him our whole marriage. Sort of a projection of his actions now, but worse, to rationalize them to himself? I'll try not to take the mean things he says to heart. Actually most of the time he's pretty pleasant, in a superficial way. 

Thanks for sharing your feelings and memories. I know it can't be easy for you Bea. I'm looking forward to seeing how much I changed thru this -- I know it will be good changes, responsible and caring changes, not bitterness or hate, because you are keeping me on track, thanks so much. I promise to "fake it till I make it!" thank you. 

Nero your posts always cheer me up. I would love to come meet you. I'm out in Suffolk. Not impossible I think. 

Listen, if my H not leaving means that he cares about me, then yours paying the bills and spending a week with you every month shows that HE cares. 

We WILL be happy again. Soon. Happy with our lives and ourselves, no longer "sad sacks" but independent women leading fulfilling lives. When our Hs finally smarten up and decide to recommit to us, that -happiness will just be icing on the delicious cake of our lives. We will have ""that" kinda happy- cherished, the object of someone's desire/life" -- again! I know it!

Nero look how loved you are by US. You said exactly what GettingOverIt, Dawn and I all needed to hear. I'm glad you're going to spend some time at the shore with your family! Especially the baby! Good PMA booster for all of us to vicariously look forward to!

[RosaLinda]

I was just thinking about your H and his chair uR. You said you hated it because he'd sit there waiting for his OW to text. I've been watching a cooking show and my H has been pacing around, sitting, pacing, checking his cell phone (and carrying the TV remote around with him too but I think that's just a man-thing LOL!) waiting for RT. He finally got his text and dashed upstairs to skype. 

And instead of getting annoyed or hurt, I thought about him waiting and your H waiting. And was filled with pity for their empty lives. I often feel compassion for my H when he's depressed or confused, but NEVER felt compassion for anything to do with the Tramp before. Never! But from what you have told me, I think he's feeling so crummy about his empty useless life, has so little self-respect, that he paced around for over an hour waiting for her, then RAN like a love-sick teen when she twitched her finger. Sort of pathetic huh? That's not the strong manly guy I married. 

I'm sure RT will p!ss me off again,  but think this feeling is a good sign It's nice to have my PMA back. Thanks guys!!!