We have great memories Bug thank you. Almost still cant believe we were there! Thank you for sharing with me. It means a lot to me.
he went on to say that how we were living at that time was also hurting them. I have to agree with that.
I agree with this and my sitch with my H. What we were three plus years ago was not sustainable. Not fir us and certainly not for our kids.
He wanted to be friendly with me, for the sake of the kids but wanted no R beyond that.
Mindreading....was hard for H to be friendly because he thought it will give me hope. He said after a D we could be friends but not now. Now? The recent niceness freaks me out.. so maybe I need to still work on detachment.
Leaving was painful for him in many ways and he couldn't risk being drawn back in only to have history repeat itself and the kids be hurt all over again.
I can understand this. H has said words that were similar to this.
don't create things in your mind to explain what your H is doing. We don't know what is in their mind. Accepting what is without the story is difficult but it's the only way out.
OK. I see what you are saying. I do let my mind wander still... I try to reign it in....but I do tend to assume the worst...Acc is right in that too. And that is not good for me. I know where it stems from. Its to think the worst so that I am less disappointed with the actual outcome. Well... that has not served me very well has it?
lo.
Its the remnants of the old me...where the emotional controls the rational.
Acceptance is the power.
Thank you Bug and Acc
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Bug I keep thinking about what you wrote. I woke up with it on my mind. Creating stories in my mind to explain what H is doing. Thank you for highlighting that. It is something I am going to be working on from now on. And I can see how that is destructive to my forward movement and acceptance of what is.
I can't tell you how helpful the recent posts on your thread have been for me. I am in a spot almost identical to yours Busting, and my need to understand the "story" and actions around my ex H behavior is handicapping me. This has been very enlightening and helpful for me. Back56
. g at that time was also hurting them. I have to agree with that.
He wanted to be friendly with me, for the sake of the kids but wanted no R beyond that. Leaving was painful for him in many ways and he couldn't risk being drawn back in only to have history repeat itself and the kids be hurt all over again. I'm not trying to be an apologist for WASs, this is just what happened in our lives.
I guess this is relative to Acc's post also, don't create things in your mind to explain what your H is doing. We don't know what is in their mind. Accepting what is without the story is difficult but it's the only way out.
I wish you the best.
I think I just addressed this on my post as well. That H doesn't want to be in the same position three years down the road, hurting me, hurting him and the kids once more, if he comes back for the wrong reasons.
We only can bring to the table the way we look at things and the way we experience things. Even when others try to explain, we cannot help but look through our own filtres, fogged by our own thoughts.
So, no matter how much we know someone, we can't really know them. Sure we can predict on past behaviour, but we only have to look at ourselves to see that past behaviour is not always the best predictor of future behaviour.
Love you Busting...glad you had an awesome time on the safari!! So Jealous!!
We only can bring to the table the way we look at things and the way we experience things. Even when others try to explain, we cannot help but look through our own filtres, fogged by our own thoughts.
Yes.
Busting, it is about control, if we control it, we can somehow fix it or make sense of it. When we can stop that, it frees us and we realize we don't control anything, we can only accept the present and either be OK with it or not.
The power is in our hands.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I'm glad this didn't get lost. In the backstories we create in our heads to explain our WAS' unexplainable decisions, we tend to judge ourselves far more harshly than is fair.
Remember, they are the broken ones, not us. We are the ones doing the hard work.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I do let my mind wander still... I try to reign it in....but I do tend to assume the worst...Acc is right in that too. And that is not good for me. I know where it stems from. Its to think the worst so that I am less disappointed with the actual outcome. Well... that has not served me very well has it?
Busting, I do the same, so I get where you are coming from. It comes from fear of rejection, from fear of hurt. That's when we need to work through our fears rather than avoid them by making these assumptions and falling into catastrophic thinking. Hey, that's easier, right? But it's just another way of control...
Originally Posted By: bustingout
Its the remnants of the old me...where the emotional controls the rational.
Acceptance is the power.
Bingo...
Love u, dear friend! Glad to see you taking those steps towards building a new reality for you and your kids - and a safari... that is just amazing!
((((((((((busting))))))))))
Me & H: 44 D7, D6, S3 Together: 20y, M: 17y EA: 11/13/10, Sep: 12/23/10 EA becomes PA: Spring 2011 H filed for D: 09/06/12 D Negotiating began 2/15 OW seemingly gone on 3/15 Still negotiating D
Thank you all for your thoughtful responses, they are giving me a lot to think about. About creating back stories and control. I am starting to see how I am blocking myself from being truly free. I am still putting him in my head. Still trying explain why things are the was they are and why he makes decisions. And I am blaming OW. I am trying to find a way out of this mess and to do that I need to let him be. And continue living my life with my kids.
Another layer being peeled away... What would I do without you all? Xxx
The control... The back stories ... It's based in fear still. Fear of what? This is already my reality. The fear is in not wanting to accept this is my life. It seems like I have already dealt with this fear... I thought I had and had been soon really well for quite sometime. This feels deeper now... Letting go at an even deeper level. Another door to open and face. I hope I can be true to myself and dig deep enough that this will be the last door I have to open to be finally free.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
