Thank you Bug, I will put that at the front of my mind. In an authentic way. It will be a good challenge and step forward for me. x
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
Someone once said that to me, and I wasn't sure. Then with my timeline I started thinking maybe that is the case. But they way you explain it makes me see a different perspective once again.
He certainly has energy to do stuff. Move to another country...have OW...travel.... He may live in a basement but not at my house.
I will keep living my life.
And I have faith that it will turn out the way its meant to be. I will trust the process that is meant for me. :-)
I hope you are well Cadet. I think of you often ((((( )))))
And thank you.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
"TRUST THE PROCESS" Good mantra indeed, huh SD? Hugs to you to picnic sister.
Hi Cadet, I was thinking more about what you said above. That it is the depression I am seeing.
I know depression is at the heart of this. I see anger, indifference, dismissive and sometimes downright impolite behavior. This may or may not be after a positive (almost honest) chat. I see defensiveness and stubbornness. I see a lot of mistrust on both sides. He doesn't trust me either. I think it would be easier if I could SEE the depression. The mind would play less tricks.
Bug, I thought of you today! I was mindful of letting go...I forgot about having to let go. I realise it does happen more and more. Its when I come home to the kids after work and I cant stop thinking about how affected they are..how much I want them to have a complete family..to have their daddy at home. I dont know how to let go of THAT.
H may or may not still be involved with OW. I think there was a breakup and now it may be back on. Who knows. I just know from my observation that he went from relatively nicer and chattier to downright cold and dismissive in 48 hours (exactly 48 hours). It doesn't change me but it is frustrating. Because I will say that deep down inside I want this thing with OW to END. First and foremost for my H and his relationship with the kids. Since she has been in the picture she has had such a pull on him that has sucked him right out of my children's lives. He still claims its for work....So I was hopeful when I heard that things were not going well with her because I hoped that would mean some time alone for him and some genuine reconnection with the kids. It doesnt seem to be the case. Although I am looking at about an eight day time frame now.
I want to have an honest conversation with him about the kids (i.e. try to attempt another honest conversation). They are just so sad. Its so incredibly painful to watch them be crushed slowly and steadily by him. I feel I need to continue to speak up for them. This is the card of hands I have been given. H doesn't want me. As I grow to accept this more and more,I am starting to think/see that the only way for him to get back in their lives is a rebuilding of trust between us since he sees me as a such an obstacle. But then that touches too close to talking about 'us' and that is not something we can do. In my head I can separate the two different relationships, he has not shown through his actions and interactions that he can....yet.
For the kids, is the best path full detachment with no effort to build a R with him for the kids, or just leaving him to float away and maybe one day figure it out on his own? Leaving him to his own devices.....its where we are now. So I dont see how that will change with the way things are now.
Do I have to initiate a D in order for him to do that? Is a D the best alternative? I dont want it to be, I am just spitballing here trying to get some thoughts. Or is more of the same the best...basically more time....I mean he is not here anyway. I just think he could still be involved much more even from afar. Maybe he doesnt want to... Its not hard from my POV...asking about them, their activities, friends, etc.
Anyway, I need to get out of my head a bit. I just feel so helpless with the kids. I almost want to say 'forget about daddy' Of course I know that is not the healthy way. We are coping...I talk to them a lot about their feelings and answer their questions as much as I can trying to be sensitive to their ages, but its the sadness...and now anger of D6 especially, that makes me want to try again with H.
So....in other news. Had a great weekend. So did the kids. I am exercising a lot more outside which I am enjoying (the sun is an amazing upper!). In other news, D6 has head lice AGAIN UGH (last year there was a bad outbreak in her class...seems like it has started again). She has long, beautiful curly hair and those buggers wont let go. Besides the lice shampoo and combing am looking for other possible treatments. I read Olive oil helps. Must try it. Of course S9 has caught it now too...his treatment was easy....short hair...
So for now thats where I am. Still good. Still feeling positive and happy. Choosing how I will live my life....
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I have been thinking about what I posted yesterday and I think I should just let things be. The ball is in his court. He knows what the kids feel and are going through. He has to come to this on his own. I can support him if he asks for it (I doubt he will as long as OW around), and I will continue to support my kids.
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
I have been thinking about what I posted yesterday and I think I should just let things be. The ball is in his court. He knows what the kids feel and are going through. He has to come to this on his own. I can support him if he asks for it (I doubt he will as long as OW around), and I will continue to support my kids.
I think this is a good idea.
Originally Posted By: bustingout
I think it would be easier if I could SEE the depression. The mind would play less tricks.
Do you really need to see it? You know its there. Kind of like at night, when you are stumbling around looking for the light switch, you know it is there. You trust that you will find it. The depression is there too. All the signs point to it.
I am right where you are, (with the exception that my D was final in July) and I struggle with how "well" to get along with my ex for the sake of our 3 young adult boys. It is such a delicate balance. My kids would like my ex and I to be able to spend time together with them as a family. So far, I have been able to explain to them (because my kids are older than yours) that I am still trying to find my center and heal from the D. They "get it" but the long term goal for them is for us to be able to spend time as a family. This is what my ex wants too, which sort of bugs me, and seems like cake eating for me at this point in time. All about making him feel better and all. Maybe I will feel differently later on.
It feels to me like "making nice" with our WAS or ex is what IS in the best interest of our kids, but it also feels very difficult personally. I know there are times we need to be most concerned about our own mental and emotional health, or else we won't be any help to our kids. That being said, in the overall picture, a "healthy" relationship (whatever that looks like)with our ex's or WAS's seems like it is best for our children, especially when the WAS is able to keep their end of the bargain as in respectful, responsible behavior.
I also think how we pave the way, along this journey, with respect to our children witnessing our treatment of our spouses, is important IF R ever occurs down the road. IF R is in the cards in the future, we want our children to be able to be able to be a part of the R process too. 25yearsMLC describes this in some detail in her own experience. She and her H R'd but their kids weren't quite as on board having witnessed the tough times through the separation phase.
At any rate, I think you bring up a very good point of discussion about the value of in your words, "rebuilding trust so that he can be more present in their lives". I agree with you that we, the LBS can be seen as the obstacle in this, as unfair as it seems. I am like you, and can't separate the two different relationships as they are so intermingled. It's sort of like "taking it for the team" and when the team and the greater good is for our children and their well being and emotional health, now and for the future, it gets murky.
As for witnessing the depression.....I am again, slightly ahead of you in this process, but I am absolutely, sure there is depression in play. The WAS is not having the time of their lives. Recently, a family friend connected with my ex for lunch and later described my ex as: "a sad, lonely man, who works all the time."
Hang in there, Busting, you are asking the right questions. The answers will come to us eventually, when we keep our motives in check. And YES, sometimes we just have to get out of our head a bit......
For the kids, is the best path full detachment with no effort to build a R with him for the kids, or just leaving him to float away and maybe one day figure it out on his own? Leaving him to his own devices.....its where we are now. So I dont see how that will change with the way things are now.
As you may know, my sister got divorced with young kids in your kids' age range.
From everything I've read and learned, the hardest thing for the kids is not knowing what to expect. Kids like routine. Most of it is expectations management.
What my sister's family therapist said was that if the next contact with their father is just open ended, the kids get anxious and worry if they'll ever talk to him again. Sometimes they will form their own expectations which they won't verbalize, and then if they don't have contact when they expect it, they can get sad or angry.
What the therapist impressed upon them was the importance of setting a schedule, and sticking to the schedule. My sister put a white board in her house with a calendar drawn on it, and all the "daddy times" are highlighted on it, either phone calls or when they will see him. That way the kids always know where to go to figure out when they will see or hear from daddy again.
The therapist also said that once those expectations are set, they must be delivered upon. If your H commits to speak to the kids on the phone "every Wednesday night", then he better be available to do it! If he can't make it (and things do come up), then it's very important to provide heads-up in advance (versus just not show up), and to set the kids expectations for when they will talk to him instead.
With all that being said, I do think you need to set some boundaries with H on the kids' behalf: Propose a schedule for when he will talk with them on a recurring basis and get him to commit to it. Tell him what you expect him to do if he won't be able to make it. Tell him that the consequence of not abiding by the plan will be that you will no longer allow the kids to talk to him because you are tired of living with their disappointment.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
Acc, I think we had this convo a while back in Busting's thread and boundaries sound fabulous. Kids love structure. Makes them feel safe. That's why rituals at bedtime, favourite stories, activities are requested and done over and over. As a kid, you have so little power in your world.
