The hurt has been overwhelming lately. I am just sad, always sad. Even when I laugh and enjoy a time with a friend, I am sad underneath. I just feel extremely empty. Wife was here yesterday to pick up D. I asked her a couple questions about OM, specifically about children. I asked if he had kids of his own. She said he has a great relationship with his Ex-Wife and spends lots of time with his Ex-step children. I found that a little comforting, being that he is also spending a lot of time with my daughter now. It's good to know that he (at least) seems to like kids....but in the end, I wasn't mad hearing her somewhat admit to being involved with this guy. I just felt sad and empty. I wish I could make those feelings stop. I wish so dearly that she would glance back and give our marriage a second chance, but I feel with my heart that she never will. I know her pretty well, and I don't believe she will ever look back. That is sad. That makes me feel empty.
I have thought a little more about IC, but I keep remembering how lackluster my previous couseling sessions have been. I have not been overly impressed. Perhaps I just had poor counselors, but overall my experiences have been un-impressive. I have got very little out of them. Actually, I get much more insight and focus here, than I have had in counseling. Maybe I just need to try again with someone different.
As far as GAL, I am not so sure that I am going in the right direction with the new group of people I have been hanging with lately.....lots of drama....lots of stuff I just don't like. It's a singles clique, and to be honest, I am more of a married clique sort of guy. I just don't fit well into that group of people any longer, without having a partner to do activities with. I have not been very successful finding positive people who have lots of time to share. That is my problem. I need a lot of interactions right now, otherwise I get very down very quickly. It's been a little discouraging, but I am trying everyday to GAL and find a path. It just seems with this huge load of sadness and emptiness holding me down, finding that path is considerably harder to do.
Suckerpunch, you've been dealt some pretty heavy blows here. I have a suggestion: find some other people's threads that you can identify with and try to listen to the advice there. Your story and the advice from the forum sages is so helpful to me, but when I get 2x4s aimed at me I get defensive. So reading your story and others is sometimes more helpful to me that the attention I get on my personal sitch.
Here is some reaction to your story from a peer, though: I know the feeling of "this is too far gone and it is certainly going to end." But try to take your focus off that. Present awareness is a good mindset. We don't know what the future holds. Literally, you could die in a car wreck today and die married. So when you catch yourself thinking or feeling about the future or what if or even about the past, take a deep breath and literally guide your thoughts into the present moment by telling yourself where you are, physically. "I am suckerpunch and I am at work sitting in a chair." I have done that a couple of times. The deep breath is helpful. The intentional thought is helpful. It is a little brain/will exercise that takes a moment but it begins to re-wire some neural pathways away from negative ruts our minds are used to trodding. Willingness to try new things is the key to unlock change and freedom.
Been feeling very up the last few days. Wife is off on vacation, I have daughter.
I am a little disapointed that W is not spending more time with daughter. She has had her with sitters several nights lately, so she could go out socializing with OM. She asked me to watch Daughter the night before she went on vacation so she could go away to a concert with OM. She also asked me to take D 2 days prior to our parenting plan so that she could go on this vacation with her friends. upon her return, she is going to ANOTHER concert party with OM. She is really running to find her hapiness! It hurts my feelings for daughter. She has officially become 2nd most important part of wifes life.
With that said, I have been engaging wife in a very upbeat and cheery manner, always happy, always affirming and validating, always positive. I haven't been overdoing it, but I have been consistently getting something in there. Tonight she phoned to speak with D, who was in the restroom. I spoke with W for a bit, asked her about her trip, the weather, how friends we doing. She complained about being a 5th wheel to "couples". She said she wished to go out dancing, but her friends would rather not. So, she is going out alone. I jokingly said, "well you could have taken me along. I would have danced with you". She replied by saying, you would have just wanted to stay in the room. I ended it by saying "maybe in the last few years, but I sure feel like dancing right now. Here is daughter. Have a great night. Talk to you soon", and I passed the phone off.
That interaction was mostly for me. It made me feel good, because that is what I wished to say, whether Wife liked it, hated it or didn't care. It made me feel good to say it.
My GAL activities this weekend were very fun. I stayed super busy, perhaps drank a little more than I should have, socialized non-stop and had an excellent time with friends and family. This coming weekend I will be spending some time with 2 new people I met, both women, and neither a romantic insterest. Looking forward to some positive interaction with new people.....feeling pretty good this week....but always bracing for the inevitible. Life is moving forward.
Hi sp, I've read your story. I see that the way you handle conflict is the same as me. I tend to get defensive and try to manipulate the situation to my own. I also tend to proof that I am right.
After my own bd, I realized that how much I didn't validate my wife feelings. I hope that you will be able to overcome it as I will definitely work on mine too.
No, I don't expect her to spend every minute with D. However, wife only has daughter 14 or 15 days a month. She is quite literally, a "part time Mom", and I DO FEEL leaving daughter with a baby sitter for 4 or 5 of those days is a lot, or at least extremely out of the norm. I could probably count on my fingers how many times we have left daughter with a sitter in the last 5 years. Not to say that is good either, but it is a drastic comparison to what she is used to.
slightly funny interaction with W today. As most of you know, she has had me completely blocked on Facebook for quite some time. Today, whe scrolling through my news feed, I notice a nice big picture of wife. She was wearing a yellow bikini, posing in front of a pool in Vegas. Several people had commented on it. So, I sent her a quick text saying, "I am not sure why, but your bikini pic just showed up on my facebook. You look drop dead gorgous. Hope you are having a great time". She acted surprised by saying, "Really". I also said, "I am not sure if that was kind or cruel...haha" She simply replied, "well thanks"....She later added "lol sorry"....then the picture was gone from me being able to view it.
