Its tough; getting tougher

[Bluedown]

Amy,
I'm struggling to find anything to take my mind off the situation.
I understand how you feel about talking to a stranger. You can tell them anything on your mind and not have to worry about ever seeing them again.
Turn on your private message in settings we can talk if you want.

[~ kd ~]

Turn on your private message in settings we can talk if you want.

This may not work as I believe PM has been disabled and does not work.

Even if it does, it is strongly advised by moderators to keep all comm between members in the public eye on this forum, for many, valid reasons.

[Thumpered]

Amy, I found getting to just the local library a great place to go, especially with the kids. Its free, it gets you and the kids out of the house. The kids section usually has great activities for the kids as well. And it builds a little mystery as to what he might be thinking "where is she", so he can chase a bit. He doesn't have to know where you go, just that your gone.

[amy1982]

Thanks, Thumpered. Grt idea.
Bluedown, eventually you learn to deal w/ it. My H & I had our ups & downs till one day I sent a text out of sheer frustration & he closed his heart just like that. I did a lot of grieving. Its tough to forgive myself. I will say I learned real fast how to forgive someone that wronged me & I was having a tough time forgiving when I felt first hand what its like to not be forgiving!!!

[amy1982]

***what its like to not be forgiven***

[~ kd ~]

I ask this because it sounds like you still haven't forgiven yourself. What do you feel is your path to forgiving yourself? How could you go about forgiving yourself?

[MrBond]

I have a few questions.

1) Was your A a physical one? How long did it go on?
2) Does your H live at home? I couldn't really tell. How often does he spend time with your D's?
3) Have you had any interactions with the OW?

[amy1982]

I'll try to answer you, Kaffe, soon.
Mr. B..yes, never full fledged intercourse but in Hs mind "it might as well have been". (mostly mast. twice oral) off & on thru summer (I can't believe it myself..its so against what I believe
2. Yes but he's inside just briefly 4 supper, then not till 11:00 PM. He,s usually gone all eve. He has almost never spent one on one time w/ girls & now he hardly sees them.
3. OW use to come to our church but quit about 3 mo ago. I see her occaisionally..one time lately she was at lake when we went. H took her out on jet ski but didn't pay much att to me.

[amy1982]

I want to give the following to H. Let me know what you think

"It is very important to me that you do not feel like you have to keep my "dirty little secret" With your permission, I will make a public confession on sunday
Sometimes I just feel overwhelmed with guilt and I can't forgive myself. I can't stand to see the pain you're in & the heartache you feel. I don't know how I can ease it.
You mentioned how we get to go on our merry way & you suffer- I can understand your feeling.But it has been the most painful thing in the world to see you suffer & see what it has done to our relationship. Man, if I could do things over again, I would NEVER hurt you like that.
I, too , grieve the loss of me being exclusively yours. this whole thing is very bitter to me.

*********************************************

I would like give this to him maybe later this eve. One complaint he has is that he feels like it always comes back to "its all his fault" (he has always said that if I bring something up...even yrs ago. I don't know if I say the wrong things or if that's his way of getting me to take full responsibility.
I get the impression that because I act happy, he thinks I don't care:(

[MrBond]

IMHO,

It's a combination of several factors, your A, your upbringing and your ages. As a whole he's incredibly immature and at the time of your A, so were you.

To a certain degree, he's right in saying that your A was too much for him. However, because the two of you swept the problems under the rug, you never learned about the fallout that would occur. That's why I ALWAYS suggest C and never rug sweeping.

Right now, however, he's using your A as an excuse for blaming everything on you and his bad R choices.

Have you ever told him that you own up to your mistakes in the M and you are trying to fix what had happened, but it does not excuse his bad behavior and disrespect towards you?

If not, then you need to tell him. Then pack his things up and drop them off at the OW's home. Start living life to the fullest with your D's. They need you now more than your H.