M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey J, I brought this over because.....I can. LOL!
You feel what you feel, J. And it is ok.
You are sad because this is a sad thing. You miss your wife and your family and you are grieving.
But, you are so hard on yourself sometimes. You expect that you should feel a certain way in a certain amount of time and it just isnt so.
You are starting to process things. The reality of the situation is starting to really sink in.
You have been working hard to undertand you and that is tough stuff.
But, you appear to seem powerless here and you are not.
You hold all the power.
You can decide at any time how you are going to get through this. You can decide whether you are going to allow this to break you or build you up. You can decide that while this is a very sad thing, you will not allow it to define your life. YOu can decide how you are going to live your life moving forward.
You get to decide. Your choice.
So, feel the sadness. Then when you are ready, allow it to wash over you.
Because here's the thing - if you hold onto the sadness and anger, it doesnt change anything. All that does is allow you to stay sad and angry.
And that just weighs you down. But you can use those feelings to propel you forward. And then, man, who knows where that can take you?
Ugh. W asked why I didn't like to say I loved her, why I didn't want to have sex with her, why I stopped kissing her, why I didn't like to touch her.
I said I wasn't sure but I think it had something to do with fear and that that probably wouldn't make sense. She said not it didn't.
I said I would explain it more as I came to understand it more.
Idk y I was like that...
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
She said she wants to know because she feels that it was something that she did or didn't do right. I said it was me and not her, she did nothing wrong.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If she says she feels she did something wrong dont' disagree! Validate. Or, at the least omit the part about saying she did nothing wrong. Let her process her own part in what she did or didn't do.
The questions she asked you are VERY insightful! You did a good job trying to give her your truth without trying to defend yourself. Taking responsibility is good.
You are growing, jp. Give yourself more time. Time for everything and be care to yourself too. Don't beat yourself up for the past. Move forward--a baby step at a time!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
I know the same feeling JP. Although my role is a bit reversed. My wife was the one that pulled away. Sometime, answering really isn't even what they want, they just want to be heard. I'm in her shoes, I am the one with all the questions, although, as it seems, I should not ask any of them, just wait.. The gift of time is what you have to work with while all this is processing.
W asked this question before (About kissing) and I said I would think about it and try to find an answer.
Text Conversation from last night.
W: Did you ever figure why you stopped kissing me or having the desire 2 touch me, or y u didn't have the need or want 2 say I love u? Sorry just curious.
M: This wont make sense and I am not sure how to expand on it, but some kind of fear, insecurity.
W: Ur right... it doesn't make sense but I guess it really isn't 4 me 2 understand. Thanks for trying.
M: You have every right to understand W.
W: I would like 2, but I know that there are some things about me that u will prob never fully understand so I would think there are those things about u that I wont.
M: I promise you this W, as I come to understand why I will explain it to you. I am not fully sure why. I do know that it makes me sad and very angry that I was like that.
W: I know JP and I try not 2 ask so it doesn't hurt u. Just curious. Looking for that answer inside myself that I didn't do anything wrong, just cant seem to get there.
M: First, please ask anything anytime W. I will try to answer you the best that I can. Second... please, please don't think it was anything that you did or did not do. Dear God W it was me.
M: I so wish I could take that feeling away from you W. You don't deserve to carry that at all.
W: Its just hard not 2 not. If I would have done this...Or tried this...Or looked better...Or wasn't so much like his mother than he wouldn't have been turned away from my *crotch...If I...If I...
W: I wish I could give it 2 u JP but I have 2 find a way 2 be ok or at peace with it myself.
M: I don't like that I placed that on you and I do understand that you are the only one who can do anything with those thoughts, memories.
M: I hope that you can get to a place that you know it was me and not you.
W: Did you see the "what ifs" text? I hope I can also JP. I think it would haunt me forever if I dont.
M: Yes I did. I am sorry you felt that way. I feel responsible.
W: I put myself there JP.
M: Thank you for asking W. If all I can do is to listen and try to answer your question than that is what I will do. I wish there was more I could do. I wish I could take your pain away. I know I can't. Thank you for asking the questions W, really.
W: Thanks for giving me an honest answer JP. I know u r struggling with the pain and shame of it all. I so want u 2 know that I don't hate u, I never have. I have never thought of u as a monster as u call yourself. I am trying 2 seek answers and acceptance JP... from others and myself.I feel horrible for what I have done 2 u or how I was 2 u over the years. It definitely is weird what people will do 2 each other.
M: Thank you and yes it certainly is.
W: Yep. OK I am going 2 go 2 sleep now. Thanks 4 chatting JP. I hope u sleep well and I hope I havent set u up for 2 many more thoughts that will keep you up. Sorry if I did. Goodnight **Pet name.
M: I hope your legs feel better and that you get a good nights sleep. Anytime on the chatting W. Night.
W: Thanks. Night.
*Not too long before the BD I would not touch her crotch area and she asked why. After many times of asking, I said it may be because it makes me think of my mother. I dont know if there was any truth to that, I was questioning why I was not interested in her at all and wondering if something had happened to me with my mother or if she just reminded me of her or IDK. I felt pressured into finding an answer and that is what it was. That answer was a huge error as it has stuck in her head and rightfully so. It amazes me that less than a year ago I didn't want to have anything to do with my W. After the BD, that instant that I knew it was real, I woke up, idk how else to put it. It was truly an awakening. Anyways...
**She called my by a pet name that she has not used since before BD. I so badly wanted to say it back, yet I didn't.
I ask that some of you read and give me suggestions based on the conversation content and based on the dance of how we talk.
Thank you.
JP
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
If she says she feels she did something wrong dont' disagree! Validate. Or, at the least omit the part about saying she did nothing wrong. Let her process her own part in what she did or didn't do.
The questions she asked you are VERY insightful! You did a good job trying to give her your truth without trying to defend yourself. Taking responsibility is good.
You are growing, jp. Give yourself more time. Time for everything and be care to yourself too. Don't beat yourself up for the past. Move forward--a baby step at a time!
Thank you, I have posted the conversation in full if you would like to read it.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
