So, I hate to spill the beans but I am quite desperate at this point.
My wife and I had been doing quite well since January, which was our first run in with "trial separations". She had come to terms where our lives together just weren't working out. I had moved out and started living with my sister and friend. It didn't go very well because I was so attached and trying to mend things when all she wanted was for me to leave her alone. I didn't realize that.
Every day I was texting her and calling her trying to fix things that at the time were completely out of my control. (I didn't realize this at the time (i think!?))..
So anyhow, round two started about a month ago. I started to realize that she wasn't wearing her wedding rings, sex started to die off, and our lives together were heading down hill. I could tell that once again she was rather unhappy. I suggested we continue to go to therapy; however, at the time she wasn't working so she thought the expense at the time was not something that we could afford.
Moving forward to last week when things fell apart....
Michelle went away for five days and didn't so much as call or ask how I was doing..
She texted me a couple times to inform me that she was hungover and not feeling well, nothing of substance..
When she arrived home I asked her why that was and one thing lead to another and a fight blew out of control. I left for the night to stay with a friend.
When I came home Michelle insisted that she was going to move out and stay with a friend because she was so unhappy with our marriage. She said that for quite some time she has not been happy, which is around the time when she started her new job.
Michelle has some unsolved issues with a bi polar disorder that she not yet found help for and i do believe that this is the root of the problem.
I don't understand how my wife has decided to potential end our M and call it quits after a bumpy month.
So confused...
She was slating to move in with a friend however the place they were going to rent fell through.
WE have been at each others throat for over a week now, and in an attempt to calm things down I have moved out so we are not even in the same living space. I knew that if we were to both live together right now, I would push her so far as to end this.
We are currently going to therapy and Michelle is almost out the door and ready to call it quits.
Don't know what to do and don't know how to handle this. I feel like I am the one trying to save the M and she isn't the least bit concerned!
Please help! I have a meeting with one of the advisers on Thursday but I need something to keep me sane!!
Please help! I have a meeting with one of the advisers on Thursday but I need something to keep me sane!!
Hi Brannon, Glad you found the forum. Have you read DR or DB? I think this ^^^ means you have a session with a DB'ing Coach tomorrow? If so, I'm very glad for you.
I understand the out of control feeling you are experiencing. I've only been on the forum for a few months so I understand the sense of urgency in the beginning. Hold on. Stay calm. You have so much time. It doesn't feel like it right now, but you do. And decisions for yourself don't have to be made so quickly.
Just take care of yourself today. You only have to think about today. Some vets should weigh in soon and if it is a DB Coach your appt is with tomorrow, your almost there and will get some guidance.
I'll check back on you soon. Have a really good evening and hang in there!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Read other threads on here and a vet will be along shortly to help you.
Make small post for a while as you are on moderation and it will take a little bit before your off.
Maybe tell us more about you. Your age, W age, kids, how long married, what issues you feel got you here.
Don't react and try to do activities to help quite your mind. Gym, friends, work, sports, etc.
Glad your here, this is the place you need to be
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Thank you all for the quick responses. I actually literally ordered DR and DB books today and they are going to come in the mail Friday. I have read all of the Sandi2 rules and have been following them. I moved out yesterday and today will mark the first full day that we haven't seen each other.
I do indeed have a meeting with a counselor early tomorrow morning which I am definitely looking forward to.
I am 24 and my W is as well. we have not had any kids Today my W asked me to come home for the weekend and watch the animals while she was away for the weekend. I had not previously agreed to do this but in her eyes she believed I had. In an attempt to not re-negg on a situation she thought I had committed to I replied: "I wasn't aware that I agreed to stay there. However I can stay there this weekend for the animals. I cannot keep catering to your needs anymore M. We are separated and until we work things out I cannot keep doing this. To which her response was: "Thank you I appreciate it"
This was not the way I usually would have responded. I am very easy going and do tend to cater to her problems which doesn't usually help... Her response was rather subtle I expected some smart ass snappy comment.
I am 24 as is the W. We have only been married since August. It was all her timeline, she as the one pressuring the engagement and the wedding followed 9 months after.
It is odd because now she is the one saying that she thinks that we had gotten married too soon.
The real problem however, is that she hasn't dealt with her borderline bi polar disorder. She has massive amounts of anxiety which doesn't help either. She doesn't compartmentalize her stress and it just comes out in one giant stroke of emotion.
I don't want to loose my wife, but it just seems so bleak. She is so angry right now that talking to her isn't even an option. I just simply don't know how to recover >.>
Another problem is that at times I am a bit needy for a guy, I can admit it. However, it is so hard because she distances herself and all I do is want to chase after. Even out therapist said she doesn't understand how we got her, and that a logical person wouldn't decide to move out and consider divorce after a month of hardship.
Thank you all for the quick responses. I actually literally ordered DR and DB books today and they are going to come in the mail Friday. I have read all of the Sandi2 rules and have been following them. I moved out yesterday and today will mark the first full day that we haven't seen each other.
I do indeed have a meeting with a counselor early tomorrow morning which I am definitely looking forward to.
I am 24 and my W is as well. we have not had any kids Today my W asked me to come home for the weekend and watch the animals while she was away for the weekend. I had not previously agreed to do this but in her eyes she believed I had. In an attempt to not re-negg on a situation she thought I had committed to I replied: "I wasn't aware that I agreed to stay there. However I can stay there this weekend for the animals. I cannot keep catering to your needs anymore M. We are separated and until we work things out I cannot keep doing this. To which her response was: "Thank you I appreciate it"
This was not the way I usually would have responded. I am very easy going and do tend to cater to her problems which doesn't usually help... Her response was rather subtle I expected some smart ass snappy comment.
I am 24 as is the W. We have only been married since August. It was all her timeline, she as the one pressuring the engagement and the wedding followed 9 months after.
It is odd because now she is the one saying that she thinks that we had gotten married too soon.
The real problem however, is that she hasn't dealt with her borderline bi polar disorder. She has massive amounts of anxiety which doesn't help either. She doesn't compartmentalize her stress and it just comes out in one giant stroke of emotion.
I don't want to loose my wife, but it just seems so bleak. She is so angry right now that talking to her isn't even an option. I just simply don't know how to recover >.>
Another problem is that at times I am a bit needy for a guy, I can admit it. However, it is so hard because she distances herself and all I do is want to chase after. Even out therapist said she doesn't understand how we got her, and that a logical person wouldn't decide to move out and consider divorce after a month of hardship.
Brannon, so sorry you're going through this, but in reading your sitch it sounds very much like what many of us went through/ are going through. So take comfort in knowing we can very much relate to your sitch and we can tell you what does and does not work. First, begging/ pleading/ negotiating/ reasoning DOES NOT WORK!! So stop that right away! That is all PRESSURE, and what she wants right now is NO pressure. You do this by pulling back and giving her time and space. DO NOT initiate ANY conversations about the relationship. If she initiates, then just LISTEN and VALIDATE. Be the greatest listener the world has ever seen.
As JP said, read Sandi's rules. Read them several times a day. LIVE those rules!
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Every day I was texting her and calling her trying to fix things that at the time were completely out of my control. (I didn't realize this at the time (i think!?))..
Stop initiating all that contact, it's pressure. Pull back. If she calls/ texts you it's OK to respond, but quit initiating it yourself unless it's kid-related (and then just stick to logistics).
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So anyhow, round two started about a month ago. I started to realize that she wasn't wearing her wedding rings, sex started to die off, and our lives together were heading down hill. I could tell that once again she was rather unhappy.
This is all pretty typical. Just understand that it took her many months or even years to get to this point. She thinks she's done and you won't be able to convince her otherwise. There's no quick fix to turn things around. It takes time. A LOT of time.
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I suggested we continue to go to therapy; however, at the time she wasn't working so she thought the expense at the time was not something that we could afford.
Don't push for MC. You can go to IC, or she can go, or both (separately). But MC should not be on the table at this point, it won't help with a WAS.
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Michelle has some unsolved issues with a bi polar disorder that she not yet found help for and i do believe that this is the root of the problem.
Probably not. It's VERY common for the LBS to try and diagnose the WAS. It's also a waste of time, time the LBS should be spending on making themselves into the spouse only a fool would leave. Leave her to her journey and you concentrate on the one thing you can control- YOU. Read DR, evaluate what you did wrong in the M, make a list of 180's on how you can change those things, put that list into action, and plan on sticking with it until the changes are permanent.
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I don't understand how my wife has decided to potential end our M and call it quits after a bumpy month.
It may just seem like a bumpy month to you, but like I said, to her it's been months or even years of misery. Right now she only remembers the bad things in the M, she's forgotten the good. It's going to take a long time before she starts coming out of the fog.
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Don't know what to do and don't know how to handle this. I feel like I am the one trying to save the M and she isn't the least bit concerned!
This is quite typical. There's a chapter in DR called "It Takes One To Tango". It addresses how there's plenty the LBS can do to work on the M while the WAS does nothing.
Hey B! Checking in. I hope your session was helpful and productive for you. You may have already posted but still be on moderation, but I wanted to stop by. Have a great day today and plan a GAL activity for yourself this weekend!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I came home this weekend to watch the house and the animals. I came home to some clean laundry.
I have usually been the one to do chores, clean the kitchen and pretty much the rest of the house.
Would it be appropriate to wash the bed sheets that I have slept in and maybe clean the dirty dishes she left behind? Or should I leave them there for her to take care of...
