I stopped initiating conversation because she would reject it 90% of the time. Maybe I should do what you say Forever. If she into talking then talk. If she isn't then don't
So I'm going to ask you if this feels about right to you. While I understand that you think your anxiety is about OM, it seems actually quite possible that your anxiety (fear) revolves more around the loss of the M. As you mention your triggers, it's not just OM, it's when she's focused elsewhere, with anyone else, and not focused on you and rebuilding the M.
I think your triggers are your co-D. That is my opinion, not a diagnosis. It is also possible the co-D is due to being ACOA.
What part of being rejected, because that's what most of your triggers appear to revolve around, is most painful to you?
What do you fear if you D? Top three fears around D?
KD thanks in advance. Ironically I did just discuss this on my lunch break counseling session. Yes your diagnosis is correct. It really isn't fear of losing W. It is fear of breaking up family.
1. breaking up family and impact on kids 2. not seeing my kids everyday 3. splintered family. holidays. vaca house etc..
OK, good that I'm not the only one who sensed that.
Sounds like fears that you might have had, growing up as a kid. Fear that your family would be broken up and how it would affect you. And now, you're worried about how it might affect your kids.
Your worst childhood fears coming into play, with your children.
The fears are YOU focused, but externally you're directing those fears on your kids.
How can you deal with those three items if you D?
Logically go through your mind and think about how that would functionally work. Post it here as I think that might help you.
KD I will answer those. What do you think in the short term. 25 told me to not initiate any conversation. It feels so akward though. almost cold on cold. I stopped doing it initially for my own self protection. I couldn't handle her one word answers or no answers at all. Is it better to sense it and dance or just stick to guns no initiating..
1. Best case scenario W and I goto counseling on so we co-parent and be successful coparents. I would have to make the best of it. Try to become friends with W (not easy) so the kids are not impacted. 2. Make the best of the time I have with my kids. Still not happy about this but would be my only option. If I coach there teams make practices on her days. 3. Make the best of this too. Down the road I might meet someone and have blended family.
I think you might be coming from a "learned behaviour" position on some stuff. Maybe not.
I would agree with 25 regarding not initiating convo. Certainly, go as dim as possible. You can't really go dark, but do not initiate convo. Be as concise with responses as possible. IF she engages you in light convo, then be more animated and forthcoming, but always let her lead and also be the first to leave the convo because you have some GAL activities to get to.
Those activities should be real, but maintain as much privacy boundaries around those things as possible.
On your items:
1. Unfortunately, your W may not go to counselling for co-parenting. I don't want to think that you would be more interested in building a good R through counselling, rather than learning how to parallel parent. Co-parenting can come later, if ever or never. Why do you need to co-parent?
2. Yes, make the best out of the time you have with the kids and don't you dare think about coaching the kids so that you can set practices on the days your W has the kids. What's that about? (this is possible learned behaviour from you. Can you think back to a time when you've seen this behaviour in others?)
3. Yes, again make the best of the time you have with the kids. Do you understand that you may not get 50/50 custody and that there is a possibility that you will have to sacrafice certain holidays or special days (like b-days) with your kids? How would you deal with those possibilities?
I wanted to add something about your wife being cold...
It is tough living with the MLCer, no doubt. And their moods are going to be all over the place - pay no mind - keep reminding yourself it has nothing to do with you.
Oh they'll come up with ridiculous things to try to pick a fight with you about - one of my favorites was that I didn't put things in the recycling bin correctly - but don't take the bait.
Now as far as starting conversations... I think there is a difference between ignoring and being disinterested. You want to go for the latter.
If you are slinking around your home with a scowl on your face, obviously not speaking to your wife on purpose - that is ignoring, and I do not recommend that.
BUT... if you go about your daily business - watching tv, eating, playing with the kids - being happy and seemingly unphased by miss moody- that is being disinterested. And being disinterested will help you detach.
If she tries to talk to you, of course politely respond. Then go back to whatever you were doing.
I get everything about the texting, believe me! But you can't control it. Sooo, you have to control your response. Leave the room when she texts - show her you don't really care, but more importantly, do it for YOU. You have way better things to do than fume over her texting. If she wants to be secretive, let her. If she wants to give you silent treatment, let her.
But don't let her bring you down.
FY is right... Act "as if" no matter what her mood.
Hope this helps
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Take thx for your response and your explanation about ignoring and disinterested. I do exactly that now. Disinterested. If she is moody, one word, practical silent treatment wife I just get busy. Sometimes I goto Home Depot and walk around just to get out of the house. I stopped doing that because I found myself buying tools lol
Tonight was an interesting night. My W was very talkative to me. First time in a long time. She spoke to me about my D's preschool. She even told me she had pictures on her phone from field trip today and asked me if I wanted to see them. (almost fainted). She stayed in living room and had small talk with me and watched hockey with me. Lastly she went upstairs without saying a word after all that lol. Guess her letting me know she was done. What a break from the cold ice wife.
Yes I'm working on giving up control. I've learned alot about that through reading and ACOA. Tomorrow I plan on attending Alanon at my local church and hopefully meet some peeps and learn about my codependency issues.
So basically I stay busy and upbeat when I'm home. I don't initiate conversation with her. If she does with me I chat back but try to end it first. Tonight she sat outside and ate with me and talked to me but I got up and said I had to play with the kids. (after 10 minutes of talk)
It amazes me that I still wanted to go across the room tonight and jump my W's bones even after she treats me like a bag of sh * t lol
Either way pretty decent day for me..
Thanks for the support.
KD. I'm reviewing what your wrote again. Thanks buddy
It amazes me that I still wanted to go across the room tonight and jump my W's bones even after she treats me like a bag of sh * t lol
Yeh, same here. (By that I mean my wife!! Lol Although, from the sound of things, you're more likely to have success with my wife and me with yours! Lol)
Me: 42 W: 40 M: 18 T: 20 D13 D10 S7 BD: 8/2012 Still living together
