Now 2+ yrs time to get off this limbo

[GALbaby]

Yep, I'm in piecing Newman, but there's not a lot of updates there. Just trying to make things work and taking it day by day. Grateful everyday for another chance at my M.

[newman7977]

Hopeful,
I read what you post to ALF I get it, make sense. Be the best husband while waiting to separate. And leave that last good impression. I agree with your post above that wayward will not fall back in love if they're addicted. I also believe if the WAS is highly addicted to the EA, the M don't stand a chance.

So what about for instance in my sitch, my W seem very confused. She was ready to walk away...but now with my changes and how her family, siblings, gonna criticize her she feels she feels stuck and has to stay in the M. I think she gets it that her EA is wrong but the poisonous Piece of Sh!t OM when they talk taints her mind then she'd feel she's missing out (because of the fantasy). I feel like she's torn.

I'm torn too because I can't kick her out and I can't move out. I love her and I'm fighting for my family. Like you I contacted OM's W and I then I confronted OM I know he lies, and I unloaded sh!t on him, and he couldn't fight back to the "love" he talks about to my W. Yep I want that low-life to have a hard time everytime he tries to contact my W. BTW I gained tons of my confidence back after that call.

So now what? Sandi once told me it might take a break up to shake things up. I think so too.

Right now after our last blow out, I know she hasn't talk to him. But the cycle repeats a month or two then the contact starts again. So the way I'm dealing with this is, I will call her out every time, I'm in LRT, not initiating contact, I'm not too available to her, and I don't kiss her behind. But don't get me wrong, I'm not rude or a jerk. If she talks to me, I respond. Most posters here agree with my course of action. Anything else I'm missing here? So right now im Letting it ride with boundaries and let the course of natural separation happen? Or reconciliation. I feel like she might make a move when d18 leaves for College in aug.

So if you're in my shoes what would your actions look like? Remember she's torn, if we separate kids and her family will criticize her...but then if she stays, she will miss out on OM. So whose the blame to all of this? yep the LBS.

Thanks hopeful...look forward to reading your post to others too.

Newman

[HopefulStill]

Newman,

How is she able to contact him? Smartphone? Can you give her a new phone number?mchange her email addresses? Help your wife to stay away from this clown.

Will she be tempted and miss him? Yes. She will have to get through three to four tough months. Then it subsides. She needs to understand this. It will pass and her thinking will clear up. During that time you should be meeting each others needs like crazy.

What needs of hers does this guy meet? I'm guessing conversation, admiration and affection (promising he'll be there for her). What are you doing to compete with him there and meet those needs for her?

Right now, you are meeting her needs for financial support, raising your children, putting a roof over her head. Essentially, you handle all of her practical needs, he handles all of the emotional ones. If you were out of the picture, could he handle her financial, family and other life needs? My guess would be no, and your wife knows that. That's why she's having her cake and eating it too. She got you both where she wants you.

Is she confused? Sure. You can't live a fake life like this and not have it eat you alive. Here's her choice- the one that swims through her head: give up all of my stability and my family (kids) for a husband I know I'll never love, or be with the man I love and hope he turns out to be the guy he says he is, and lose everything I have in the process. That's it.

What you wife does not believe is that she will love you again. She thinks love is like some kind of voodoo magic, and it's either there or it's not. Most people believe that. It's simply not true. Your wife fell for this guy (not talking about initial attraction, but love) because of the care he showed her. It became irresistable. She felt wanted and important. He was meeting her most important needs and she fell for him. You, on the other hand, had stopped showing that level of care and affection (most married couples do). You got bogged down in the day to day routine and left your love to tend itself. this caused her "in love" feelings for you to go away. if she could stay away from this guy for the rest of her life, and you were to give her all of the conversation, admiration and affection that she desires, she WILL FALL BACK IN LOVE WITH YOU!

My thought is this. You've given it two years. Since right now she in no contact, give it your all one last time. Don't tell her you are giving it one last shot, that will seem like controlling and manipulative behavior to her. Just attempt to give her everything she seems to want in a partner. She will probably resist your efforts- don't argue, just continue. If she argues with you, great! That means she sees a ray of hope. Just validate no matter what she complains about. Change phone numbers, emails etc. do everything to get this guy away. Take a trip together, just to get away. It won't be romantic, but you can work on your friendship and meeting her needs. Best case- she comes around.

If, after you do all of this, she contacts this guy again- get an attorney and file. Tell her family why you are devorcing their daughter- the truth (otherwise your wife may make up lies about you). I would not discuss with yours as I would not want ill feelings in the future, but thats your choice. Do not warn her, that will seem controlling. Just man up and do it. This will shake things up and force a choice. Once filed, no contact with your wife. Set up a friend or family member to serve as your intermediary and have no contact at all. Your wife will immediately reach out for the OM and guess who won't be there for her? Yup. He'll try being verbally supportive, but that's where it will end. He'll look like the scum that he is. Your wife will miss what you provided- a real life. I think she will try to keep her upper hand and wait you out, but will eventually beg to come back. That's when you can finally talk to her and tell her that she can come back, but you have conditions (another long topic). Then go back to meeting each others needs, and watch love return.

That's just my advice, I invite others to weigh in. Sitting indefinitely waiting, while paying your wife's bills and allowing her to hurt you by having this EA isn't what you want. Now, after two years, it's time to call the ball.

[leopoldstotch]

Hey newman sorry I've been away for so long. Trying to catch up on your sitch. I see you asked what would be if someone were in your sitch. Well speaking only for me I can say that after being in your sitch for two years and being in limbo I would most likely tell her that it's time for her to go. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy but she is the one who is choosing to have an EA.

IMHO the cake eating must stop and it really sounds like you are ready. To give you a quick update on my sitch our mediation is done and all that's left is is for us to get a lawyer to check over the agreement and to file for divorce. Last week my STBX started moving her belongings out of the house and as I'm writing this she is over her fathers house (that's where she's moving) painting her room with her sister. Next weekend she should have everything out of the house. I have started to date and I have to admit it feels strange after almost 26 yrs with her. STBX knows I'm dating and is ok with it. Funny how we now seem to get along better now that everything is over.

I'll be checking in with you more frequently newman.

[newman7977]

Yep, I'm in piecing Newman, but there's not a lot of updates there. Just trying to make things work and taking it day by day. Grateful everyday for another chance at my M.

You sound good. And that's just it Galbaby take it day by day. Just that another chance is great and this time you're equip with tools that we learn here and about ourselves. Keep it up Galbaby I'm rooting for ya!

[newman7977]

Hopeful,

"How is she able to contact him? Smartphone? Can you give her a new phone number?mchange her email addresses? Help your wife to stay away from this clown. "

They communicate using FaceTime ...yep that's what the cheaters can use because it doesn't log on the phone log atleast not on my bills. I caught her in a lie and she admitted to it. I know my W like the back of my hand...my guts and her actions, her eyes has not lied she could be saying words but those eyes and mannerisms don't lie. She also did the same as what you're W did, putting different name on that number in the contacts. I can change the phone # but there are so many means of contact. The OM knows her work email and the company won't change that. If they really want to contact each other they will. If they kept it underground good luck to them that is so hard and eventually will surface and that's to my advantage. At least now if there's an EA, it's very minimal. Unlike before the EA was every hour, while we're on family vacation, because its in her language so my kids and I were just thinking she's talking to her female co-worker.

My W's LL is acts of service and words of affirmation. WofA is easy on the phone acts of service is the OM s life drama, his victim mentality that he did everything for his parents that my intel on this guy and how he woo my W. I use WofA with W but not the romantic way, I don't want to seem pursuing her so I listen to what she says about her work and I recognize what she done and I'd support her ideas. Acts of service is easy, been working a lot lately, and she knows that is for the family so she appreciates that from me, I also go to the market for our food for the week. But I balance it, I make sure I'm not doing everything around the house etc...I don't wanna seem like I'm bending backwards for her you know I do things but still respectable by her.

So yes I have a decision to make if the cycle continues. I like the idea of intermediary in the event of D...I have to think about that one. Thanks hopeful following you in other threads. And do please keep me in check.

Newman

[newman7977]

Hey newman sorry I've been away for so long. Trying to catch up on your sitch. I see you asked what would be if someone were in your sitch. Well speaking only for me I can say that after being in your sitch for two years and being in limbo I would most likely tell her that it's time for her to go. I'm sure she wouldn't be happy but she is the one who is choosing to have an EA.

IMHO the cake eating must stop and it really sounds like you are ready. To give you a quick update on my sitch our mediation is done and all that's left is is for us to get a lawyer to check over the agreement and to file for divorce. Last week my STBX started moving her belongings out of the house and as I'm writing this she is over her fathers house (that's where she's moving) painting her room with her sister. Next weekend she should have everything out of the house. I have started to date and I have to admit it feels strange after almost 26 yrs with her. STBX knows I'm dating and is ok with it. Funny how we now seem to get along better now that everything is over.

I'll be checking in with you more frequently newman.

Hey Leo ,

Good to hear from you. Yes the cake eating has developed in the course of 2 years...the beginning of 2 yrs, she wasn't comfortable with it. But because it worked that I was there in family gatherings to fake the happy family portrait and when the weekdays came she get her fix with OM. It worked easily for them, I've allowed it unconsciously, I've created a cake eater...my bad. So I'm changing that.

So you went with the mediation route huh? When I spoke to a L, he gave me a card of a mediator. That's what he told me too that a L will have to check the agreement. What's the advantage of the mediator? Is it considerably cheaper?

So you're back to the dating scene? Good for, you don't have to have serious R but just meet people, go out and have fun. I'm not gonna lie, if we separate I'd probably will date, you know just to go out. If its mutual agreement to just go out and no serious R why not. Idk just a thought.

So Leo, you have accepted its over?

Hey thanks for checking in on me don't be a stranger. Keep us posted.

Newman

[HopefulStill]

Well, what you've been doing for over two years hasn't worked, right?

Then it needs a change of plan, one that has the best chance of success. An EA of this type can go on indefinitely, years and years, if it isn't forced apart- either by choice or circumstance. Your wife obviously can't or won't make the choice- so circumstance is your only hope. Circumstance can take the form of the OM breaking it off- but again, that is unlikely. So what can you do to force a change in circumstance? Well, the plan I outlined above would certainly do that, while at the same time preserving an image of you being a great guy in her mind. Another tactic might be letting her family know of your wife's two year affair and ask for their help in restoring your family. Your wife does not want them to know because they would not approve and would put pressure on her to stay away from the OM (something she does not want to do).

Whichever way you go, a game changer is in order. In my case, I forced a circumstance to create change, which, in turn, prompted her choice to end the A and return to the marriage. I should have done it earlier- but I did do it, and I'm glad for it. Essentially you are just speeding up what's going to happen anyway- she's either gonna stay or go. Why suffer another two years to get your answer?

Also, don't date while (if) you are separated. Separated is not divorced. There is a very good chance of reconciliation during separation. Dating might destroy that chance, will not help you in a divorce/custody case, and will not make you look like a hero in your kid's eyes. Just my opinion.

[newman7977]

Hopeful, agreed that nothing worked in the last 2 yrs. And game changer for sure totally agree with you. I mentioned Ws LL in response to your q, about what I'm doing while we're together to leave that last good impression in the event of separation. And I do realize none of that matters right now because of her infatuation. And maybe when the fog lifts she will remember.

As far as dating, that's just my POV at this moment. Idk how I would feel like when were separated and those feelings might change I guess I will know when that happens. I have no idea how it feels like separated.

It's not like I would date right away, nothing like that but like Leo's sitch that after awhile I might be open to dating. Also I am almost positive that when we separate w will pursue OM, I feel that's the path she will follow. The M might not be officially D in paper but everything else is dead at that point IMO. Yes definitely R can still happen, I think that's when she will realize that grass is not as green as she thinks, but that's her path. Idk if I would take her back. And knowing that, if this relationship has any chance I believe a break up has to happen.

I respect your opinion in dating really do. and i understand there are different views in this aspect. But its reality, it does enter in LBS' mind so I'm curious, step out for a second in your success. If your W would've chose OM, when you ask her to make a choice between you and him and you separated what would your path be? And let's say after a year of separation your W still sees OM and your R with your W is the same --at best (no loving feelings etc)? Would you be open to the idea of dating? I'm just thinking out loud here. But it's a possible scenario in my sitch so just trying to see how I'd approach it.

Newman

[littleGTO]

Hi, newman,

Thanks for posting on my thread.

I think the whole "dating thing" is a personal decision for you. If it feels okay to you and you can separate casual dating from entering into a R then I think it would be okay.

For me I know I would not be able to do this easily, so I am choosing NOT to date while we are separated. If H files for D'ed I may change my mind at that point.

I am on a the same page as you... a break-up had to happen to give our M a chance. BUT, my H is still deeply "in love" w OW. SO, I don't know if there is still a chance AND I'm not so sure any more if I want to R.

This journey certainly is interesting! Good luck w moving forward. BTW forward is the best place to go. Stalemate sux.