AS far as becoming a better spouse, I've been in that mode, been in therapy, read books, talked... for years. Just because I haven't solved the problem doesn't mean I haven't made that attempt. I'm ready to hear anything, if only she'd say it. Took her to therapy years ago, and it was helpful, but not enough.
There's only so much you can do. It's not a given that a perfect husband will guarantee that a wife will want sex. And at some point, bending over backwards with no results can also lead to resentment. So I do the best to make it a good relationship without an expectation of sex. And no sex has resulted. That's where I am now.
There's only so much you can do. It's not a given that a perfect husband will guarantee that a wife will want sex. And at some point, bending over backwards with no results can also lead to resentment. So I do the best to make it a good relationship without an expectation of sex. And no sex has resulted. That's where I am now.
What bothers me about your story is that you say you've done the work to meet your wife's needs and to be the best husband you can be, but your wife dismisses your need for sex as not important, and you seem to have convinced yourself this is okay because of her rationalizations and justifications.
You don't have to buy into her explanations -- the fact that you want sex and she married you is enough to make her behavior problematic.
Why have you accepted this? Why aren't you outraged by her callous behavior?
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
I think what the bigger picture is that what if your W decides to stop doing something else that is important to you, like the sex.
It just sounds like she keeps taking and you keep sacrificing. A little here and a little there and she's going to get everything she wants while you're left with nothing. Has she ever had a serious heart to heart to you and discuss how she's tried but she just can't do it? Sometimes I get the feeling that she goes through the motions and without being serious about it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I have not accepted it. But I don't control her. And if you suggest that being outraged and angry is the appropriate response. Been there, done that, and that doesn't work. Like I've said, we keep our differences on this matter to just this matter.
For example, some people might suggest that I get anal retentive and refuse to do other things and escalate the tension. Doesn't work, and makes everything else worse.
And the last thing in the world that I want is someone who has sex because they feel threatened. No thanks.
I do understand at this point that when you are plain not interested in sex at all, it's no simple matter to regain that desire simply by "working on it" or being "willing to work on it".
I don't think her behavior is callous because she is so giving in so many other ways. This is a very difficult area for her.
What if she stops doing something else? I'd deal with that if it happens. That assumes there's a more general uncaring aspect. Rather, it's clear she's had difficulty with the sexual aspect for a long time.
I can only imagine that it must feel like a lot of pressure for a woman who has already had some issues around sex, has never had an orgasm, has been made to feel bad about her sexuality because of the lack of it, has had many childbirths, and has gone through menopause.
Perhaps a bit like a woman accusing a man of not caring about her because he can't get an erection. And if the man doesn't go to the doctor and admit all this, I guess that's another sign he's really callous, no?
Not that I disagree with you, but seen as a symmetric standoff, I'm curious how you would support the concept that when one person wants sex and the other doesn't, it's the person who is refusing who is callous? Why is it not the person who is insisting on sex who is callous to the asexual person for not taking her revulsion to sex into consideration? Can't the highly sexed person go to therapy and learn to control his impulses or channel them? Not that I agree with the latter, but just curious how people justify it.
And this is one aspect which really turned my wife off in therapy. She quickly picked up on the implication that she should have sex, and that there was something "wrong" with her, rather than anything "wrong" with me for wanting lots of sex. So in this sense the therapy backfired on her, though it did make her more accepting of me as normal, even if she didn't want to participate.
Well, having sex outside the marriage CAN have an effect on her interest!
It will do something. Either her agreement for it and ssmguy going for it, and actually sealing the deal with another willing lady might drive her crazy or burn her up. Or she just won't care.
I have a prediction she's going to incur some jealousy, some triggers and also see ssmguy in a different light, over time a more "sexual" light because she will know he's having sex!
What if she stops doing something else? I'd deal with that if it happens. That assumes there's a more general uncaring aspect. Rather, it's clear she's had difficulty with the sexual aspect for a long time.
I can only imagine that it must feel like a lot of pressure for a woman who has already had some issues around sex, has never had an orgasm, has been made to feel bad about her sexuality because of the lack of it, has had many childbirths, and has gone through menopause.
Perhaps a bit like a woman accusing a man of not caring about her because he can't get an erection. And if the man doesn't go to the doctor and admit all this, I guess that's another sign he's really callous, no?
Not that I disagree with you, but seen as a symmetric standoff, I'm curious how you would support the concept that when one person wants sex and the other doesn't, it's the person who is refusing who is callous? Why is it not the person who is insisting on sex who is callous to the asexual person for not taking her revulsion to sex into consideration? Can't the highly sexed person go to therapy and learn to control his impulses or channel them? Not that I agree with the latter, but just curious how people justify it.
And this is one aspect which really turned my wife off in therapy. She quickly picked up on the implication that she should have sex, and that there was something "wrong" with her, rather than anything "wrong" with me for wanting lots of sex. So in this sense the therapy backfired on her, though it did make her more accepting of me as normal, even if she didn't want to participate.
At this point you would be happy with a "normal" rate of sex, so there is nothing wrong with that at all.
I just picked up that your wife obliged you with HJ's for 5 years.
She offereed to let you have sex with someone else? Take her up on it. It will get her to at least look at you a little differently.
She will start to feel how she really feels about this situation when she knows you have stepped outside.
I don't think ssmguy's the husband of the gay wife. That's me, and I've been quiet for a while here. A brief update: Dear friends, first, a real heart-felt thank you for your support, your questions, your ideas. Then my wife lesbian has clearly stated that she wants to stay and try to make our relationship work, including physical intimacy. We've just had a good session with our therapist together, and we're starting on massages... renewing our physical contact. We're committed to a new start, while both saying we cannot guarantee anything in the long-term. Not guarantee. Try to work for, yes. Commit to that, without any secrets. As my wife says, she may still meet the love of her life; and then she says to me, you too could meet a new love who could give you what I cannot. So modest and measured optimism. Thank you again: you/we are a powerful virtual community.
Me: 65, Wife: 67 Married/Together: 34 years! No children Wife 'came out' as lesbian in May 2013
Well, having sex outside the marriage CAN have an effect on her interest!
It will do something. Either her agreement for it and ssmguy going for it, and actually sealing the deal with another willing lady might drive her crazy or burn her up. Or she just won't care.
The "won't care" possibility seems the most likely of the possibilities you list. But you left out a possibility. Was that because you didn't think of it, or you don't think it's humanly possible? Namely, the possibility that she would be happy to see me enjoying myself with someone else? The cultural assumption seems to be that one MUST place a higher value on a partner's involvement in our sexual fulfillment and security than the partner's sexual fulfillment. Of course, I'm not assuming that possibility, but just wondering why it's often assumed to be impossible.
I just find that people's general sexual attitude is often a little bit too much "what's in it for me". I guess I'm just questioning some basic assumptions about romantic love. You say you love someone, meaning you care for them deeply, and you say sex and love are closely tied. Yet the moment the sex stops, or the partner has sex with someone else, you suddenly don't love them. Really? That's not the way I feel about it, even if my wife were to have an affair.
At this point you would be happy with a "normal" rate of sex, so there is nothing wrong with that at all.
I would? What does "normal rate" mean? And variety? Enthusiasm and imagination? Or sufficient frequency with just missionary, sufficient enough to call it "participating"? Just curious what you mean by this.
