Had a really great weekend! Had nieces party friday night. It did make me really sad that H wasn't there. He loves our neice so much and it kills him that he hasn't seen her in so long. He was calling me all day friday about what to get her and make sure that I spoil her. While I do agree that he is dealing with the consequences of his actions, it really will be tricky navigating this. My friend, who was very angry at H, said it best. "No matter how I feel, I just don't understand anyone making it so hard for you. He is back, deal with it. Support you."
Forgiveness. Who do I want to be?
The whole time H and I were separated my family had opinions on how they thought I was "making it too easy" on H. Being too friendly and nice. I just kept thinking, WHY?!? Why would I punish the father of my children? Why would I poison that relationship? Does someone's actions dictate how I act? No. At my core, I treat people with dignity and respect. This does not mean to take abuse and have no boundaries, but at the core I see where I have found it so difficult to navigate boundaries and relationships. My family just brings you in, loves you. You cross someone or upset them...avoidance, cut them off. One of my mom's closet friends for years upset my mom like 8 years ago over something she said about my brother. My mom never talked to her about it, avoided it, grew resentful and their relationship is totally strained. Like bad strained. The tension is horrible. Many relationships have been affected. It started small, and now it's ruined a friendship. Because of fear. Fear and holding on to justifiable resentment.
Confrontation scares the bejesus out of me. Has for as long as I can remember. But today, I must say my truth and let people have theirs. Fear. Fear is the guiding force. What will they say? What will they think of me? Can I accept that they see it different and know that that does not diminish my truth? Ah, there it is. In the conversation with my mom, she just kept saying over and over "We have a right to feel how we feel, right? Don't you agree?" I said they can feel how they feel. It is true. If I had run around telling everyone who could listen what a DB my H is and badmouthing he and OW all around...I would have had a right to do that...yes? At a minimum everyone would understand it. I could have burned his clothes, threw him out, made it difficult to see his kids, refused to go to school concerts together, demanded them on certain holidays. I would have had a RIGHT to it. Yep, a right. And anger fueled, I punish you RIGHT!!
I don't really know where I am going with this, just things that have been rattling around my head. I just need some space from my family. They are going to blame H, but it isn't him. I'm not going to choose. IC said to say to invites "Yes, I'll come, but H is coming too." It that uninvites me, it does. REgardless if we stay married, he will always be a huge part of my life. I want joint bday parties and as intact together of a family as I can for my kids. If they can't do that for me, then they can't. I won't ask them to be anyone they aren't. But, everyone has to deal with the fact that I'm done trying to make everyone happy. I can only control me. That's it. You want to stay resentful, that's your choice. But I don't have to make things ok for everyone. This is messy. Life is messy. And for the first time in my life, I'm not going to clean it up.
It stormed really bad one day last week while I was making dinner. Just pouring and it was sunny. I grabbed S4 and ran out to play in it. H grabbed D2 and ran after us. There we are the 4, well 5, of us dancing and splashing in the rain. Enjoying a moment of pure joy!! Looking for the rainbows to come out. The yard was flooded, which meant the basement was probably taking in water. But we played for an hour. This is how I am approaching my life. We were muddy and wet and joyous. And it was perfect in it's imperfection.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
You're hashing through some very difficult stuff but the important thing is, you're doing it.
When we decide who we want to be, some people won't be happy with that choice. It's a given. But they are making that choice and many times it is out of their fear.
I wrote once that I felt like I was a boat casting off into unknown waters. Some people would be repelled by my wake, others would be brought closer to me.
But I continue going on my course.
Thanks for sharing that inspiring message.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
A Pema Chodron quote which your post brought to mind:
You are the sky. Everything else-is just the weather.
Thanks, BUG!! I read all of your threads, you give me so much to think about. This is truly tough stuff, but I'm the most free I have ever felt in my life!!!
Love that quote. LOVE!
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Just catching up on your sitch tonight. You sound really strong in your conviction to not let others' judgments influence your decisions of actions.
People judge. Family and friends too. If someone they love gets hurt they want to see some sort of consequence for the person who did the hurting. It is human nature-for good or bad.
Forgiveness is difficult. Very difficult. And, unfortunately you have to let them deal w their own forgiveness toward your H on their own schedules.
Hopefully they will respect you and your decisions enough, though, to keep their thoughts to themselves and if you, his wife, can forgive his actions, then they should be able to do so also. If not, then that isn't your problem-it's theirs to deal with.
Sending lots of positive thoughts your way, T! Thinking about you a lot in the home stretch of your pregnancy. Be well, my friend!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Hi Tallua, I just wanted to check to see if you've posted lately...I hope everything is going okay and you are doing well!
Me: 27 H: 27 Together: 11, M: 3 S 2 BD: 06/24/13 Living together H: EA - unknown current status Read: DB, 5LL (slowly reading DR) Back and forth we go...
It's been forever, life with 3 kids is crazy! The baby is 7 weeks old today!! He is a wonderful baby, so easy and so sweet.
H and I are doing very well. He is transparent and incredibly understanding when I have my freakouts. Taking it all day by day, so we will see.
I hope to catch up with everyone and I hope this finds you all well.
M: 9 yrs T: 13 yrs H:34 Me:35, S4, D2, S 7 months Dday 11/12-PA & multiple PAs Dbing 12/12 S 1/13 7/13 H moved back in basement. 8/13 #3 born 10/13 still cheating 10/13 He moves across country, I file for D
Conga tuitions Tally to your new bundle of joy! I am so happy for you and your family :-)
TPS Me: 44 H: 42 M14 T17 S10 D7 10/10 H moves out after death of his father-same month 21/04/12 H is 'DONE' 04/05/12 OW/PA confirmed (rumors from 2010) July '14 H ends affair May '15 H moves back home
