Standoff is over

[danielf]

On the D talks, she has filed and the clock is ticking. I will be divorced soon unless she changes her mind. I'm wondering, now, whether I should participate to make things tidier since they are inevitable.

And yes, I can lose my job.

[danielf]

I'm going to have lunch with W today. Wish me luck.
My goal is to smile and be pleasant, recognize and affirm her feelings.
Listen, listen, listen. Don't read into things, don't wish things were different.
Don't become angry, defensive, pleading, whining.
When she asks about my thoughts, motives, plans, intentions, feelings, I should be honest but careful.
I'll do my best.

[danielf]

Honestly, that didn't go very well.
I kept my cool, mostly.
She was just hanging out, mostly. When I invited her to take the conversation past smalltalk she just asked what I was feeling. I said I'm trying to be ok with life not being what I want it to be. After a little while, I asked what she was feeling. She just said a lot of things are making her sad.
We got to the D proceedings eventually. Asked her why I hadn't been served papers. Her understanding of the process is apparently different from mine. She has a lawyer who is filling out the papers and once we have agreed to everything then we will go to the judge and that will be it.
I tried to explain that I am willing to work with her on the D terms, but not willing to agree on the D. I do not choose to D. She says that makes it a "contested divorce" and will cost thousands more dollars and take at least 7 months.
To my understanding, I cannot contest the D, just the terms, which I don't plan to contest.
She asked why I wouldn't agree and I said I'm sorry I can't explain it and don't really understand why myself completely. She said it's just pride and I said maybe so.

[danielf]

I think I'm going to fill out all the papers and give them to her.
She's gone. She ain't coming back. She's in love with another man, and she is willing to sacrifice me to be with him. She seems willing to sacrifice our children's happiness and even her own to be with him.
It's time I need to protect myself and my kids.

[MrBond]

"When I invited her to take the conversation past smalltalk she just asked what I was feeling."

Why would you do that? You have to start with the small talk and be fine with it until it feels comfortable to talk on her own. You keep pushing her and goading her about the D papers. That's what's getting you to where you're at.

Your actions or attitudes haven't changed which is why she hasn't changed.

[danielf]

Last time we met for coffee we just hung out for an hour and I waited for her to bring up D or R or whatever. She didn't.
She was pretty frustrated and has been sorta-trying to get together to talk for the last month. Rather than smile through another meetup and have her frustrated (at me) that we didn't bring up anything up, I just asked if she wanted to talk about anything.
I think that I have gotten some out of your responses in the past and I appreciate you and this community so much.
But in response to, "Your actions or attitudes haven't changed which is why she hasn't changed" I feel it a bit knee-jerk. I'm not pushing her or goading her. I have been living in limbo for two years while she has been having an affair. I certainly have my issues, and I'm working on them, but blaming her not changing on my not changing I consider unfair judgement. But that's ok.

[danielf]

I don't want to be over-defensive, though. I have asked this forum over the last two weeks about D paperwork, but I haven't been talking to her about it all that time.
I dropped the rope for a long time. I've been doing my best to DB, but now that she has filed for D, I feel like I need to take care of myself. If I don't do what she has close to begged me to do and collaborate on the paperwork, she has threatened to make things ugly. So I'll go along with it.
She is in love with another man. There is nothing I can do to change that or affect that in any way. Your comment really has me stirred up.
I'll keep working on my attitudes and actions.

[MrBond]

" Rather than smile through another meetup and have her frustrated (at me) that we didn't bring up anything up, I just asked if she wanted to talk about anything."

See this sums up a bunch of things. You were still living with expectations on how you believe she should have acted or re-acted. You haven't had a chance to let that part go. You let the fear of having the other shoe drop that it was always nagging at you.

When you GAL, you aren't clinging onto that. I know how hard it is with an OM, I really do. It took 3 years before my W even talked to me for ANYTHING even small talk. She would silently sit there and not say a word.

Your W can sense your clinginess. And as a guy, you have to be the one to lead and not have her walk all over you. If you are going to file, don't do it because SHE isn't doing anything. Do it because YOU want to and that YOU feel that you deserve better. That's when you get your power back and your self-esteem back.

[danielf]

Usually, parties agree to the divorce but disagree on the terms.
This sitch is the other way. I am willing to work on custody and division of property and all that. But I don't choose to sign a document that says I believe there are irreconcilable differences in our marriage and so I want to dissolve it.

She has filed the document requesting the divorce. The clock is ticking. We live in a state that allows no-fault divorce, so unless she changes her mind and reverses the process, we _will_ be divorced in the near future. So I have three options. 1) I could counter-sue for divorce based on her adultery. 2) I could dig my heels in and make a lot of trouble, but instead of ending up divorced I would end up divorced and poor with lots of burned bridges. 3) I can work with her on the terms and paperwork. If I 4) do nothing, she or her lawyer will ask for whatever terms they want and the court will grant them.

If I am unwilling to do 1, am I not a fool to choose 3 over 2 and 4? (Honest question)
If I choose 3, then the question is how much do I help? I think it is a question of what is in everyone's best interest. I think I'm much better equipped than she is right now to get this done, so I think I'll just do it.

This is why I have been whining about D papers. I know this isn't a place to seek legal advice. But any guidance anyone can offer on how to save my heart or what is best for my kids, etc. That is what I am hoping for. And if it really is your advice, MrBond, that I just do smalltalk and wait on her, well, I'll be thinking about that.

[MrBond]

"I think I'm much better equipped than she is right now to get this done, so I think I'll just do it."

That is up to you. I understand how you felt "rushed" because of the deadline, but you let that overwhelm you. Sometimes you just need to step back and take a deep breath. Do what is in the best interests of you and your kids.