What I think I will do is when he calls or texts (probably 30 minutes before he wants me to meet him to pick her up), I will tell him I am sorry, but I have made other plans and I won't be able to pick her up until 5. If he wanted me to get her sooner, he should have told me in advance so I could have arranged my schedule accordingly.
That's setting boundaries effectively. It has to do with what you will do if your need isn't met. You don't get to demand unilaterally, and so you must have a backup plan to save your sanity. The only part I think is missing is that you need to clarify this before, not during conflict. Clarify that you need to know by the day before at the latest, and if you don't have a firm plan from him by then you will be making your own plans for the day and may not be able to accommodate him. And then, let it happen, at least once, so you know you can do it and he knows you meant business and aren't a pushover anymore. Your own plans might be hiring a sitter, setting up an activity, whatever you can live with completely independently of your H if he's going to be unreliable. What would you do if he had an accident? Plan as if that happened and he could not be counted on to be there for you. This isn't punitive, it's "I feel anxious and unable to plan my day when I don't know our plans a day in advance. Therefore I would ask that you commit the day before. If I don't hear from you I'll make my own plans and may not be able to accommodate you." It's about YOU and what YOU will do, not punitive, not manipulative, just YOU getting YOUR reasonable needs met. Make sense?
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I think it would have been a little "passive-aggressive" for me to ignore his call or text like he does me.
Passive aggressive is using your behavior to communicate something you're not saying. Since you have a kid together I would say be the adult and answer his calls. It's fine to not respond immediately to a text that doesn't call for a response, that's being busy, not passive aggressive. Busy is mysterious and attractive, and doesn't look like pursuit.
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I feel like I almost know what it is like to have a family member who is a substance abuser who doesn't want to stop, even though he is hurting himself and others.
I've been trying to hold back from offering the suggestion that you look into what co-dependence is about, but this statement here supports what I'm thinking. Learning about codependence may help you to understand where the lines are between you and him. You're not responsible for his behavior, nor his "recovery." And he's not responsible for how you feel or how you act. Learning about this may be helpful to you.
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He doesn't want me to be detached...that is why he keeps stirring up trouble. He needs distance, yet he strives to keep me engaged.
Learning about codependence, and learning loving detachment will help you to see that this sentence can be completely irrelevant to how you feel or act. Should be.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I am working on my boundaries. I hope when he sees that he's not having his way with me anymore that he will make some changes of his own.
I am so glad I learned some coping skills and feel so much more in control of myself. It is keeping my stress level WAY lower than it used to be. This is a frustrating situation, but I am not going to give up.
I know he would be a lot happier, too, if he would deal with his issues. I think he knows what to to get the support he needs to make changes. He just has to WANT to. I think part of him does want to, but he is afraid. He'd rather maintain the situation as it is. Sorry, I'm going to be changing the situation from MY end and he will have to adapt one way or another. He is a good, intelligent man. I think he will get help when he gets uncomfortable enough. And if he doesn't, I'll still survive.
I have a LONG history of "co-dependency issues" and I think my personality is such that I will always have the tendency to go in that direction!
I have, on NUMEROUS occasions asked him to give me advance notice, 24 hours PLEASE. He usually gives it to me BUT ONLY IF I ASK. One new thing I am working on is to give HIM the responsibility of communicating pickup/drop off time (Saturday is usually the only day it is an issue...other times are usually stable). I have a life of my own and 2 other kids I need to plan for! He has agreed that it is not unreasonable to give me 24 hours notice and he has agreed that it is not unreasonable for HIM to take responsibility for communicating that to me. ESPECIALLY since he gets so irritated when I ask him questions. I have never been able to satisfy him. I am ready to stop trying. I am going to focus more on what I want and need.
What has been your "or else" in those numerous occasions, and did you implement it? If not, you did not set a boundary.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well, Saturday he had to pay $26 in drop-in child care fees because when he texted me at 10:15 and asked me if I could pick her up at 1, I said "No"..I could get her after 5. I texted him later to tell him that since I had not heard anything different, I assumed that he didn't need me at any special time.
I have had to just give up. I really think at this point in my life, If I can't have a good relationship, if the other person isn't willing to have a healthy relationship, it's better to have no relationship at all or really minimal contact. I hate that. I really think people should want to have good relationships where everyone feels good about what is going on.
"Give Up" just meant not hoping or expecting or working towards having a workable relationship. We have had minimal contact since my last post. I have asked him to drop her off at the Y day care so we avoid contact. He keeps asking me to come to his house to pick her up because it is more convenient for him (but 20 miles out of my way!).
I keep switching gears. I have been trying for years to figure out exactly what he is thinking and exactly what the problem is and how to fix it. He doesn't want anything fixed. He doesn't even want to go back to the pretty good rapport we had a couple of years ago.
I blocked his phone number. He hung up on me the other day when I tried to get him to talk about our problems. I called him 20 times over the next day and a half and when I reached that magic number, I left him a message saying I was blocking his number. He was able to send me a text this morning when he dropped my daughter off at day care, to let me know I could pick her up.
My plan is to not communicate with him at all unless and until he decides he wants to communicate with me on MY terms. We basically have a routine down. If there is some emergency, we can use a third party as a go-between to send a message. I require that he do what he has not been willing to do in over a year and a half, and what I did not do when he offered, because I was too pissed off with him: Sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk. He needs to be open and honest with me. He needs to be able to look me in the eye when he talks to me. He needs to want to have a good rapport and he needs to help me understand how he feels. I don't know what will happen. I want to have a good relationship. If I can't, I don't want to have any contact with him at all.
I don't understand why he can't look me in the eye. Either he really doesn't like me or else he likes me and he doesn't want to. My teen-aged daughter was with me the other day and a strange thing happened: He acted like I was "normal" and not somebody he was treating weirdly. He smiled and looked at me when he talked to me and when he was listening to me (I NEVER feel like he is listening to me unless he is looking at me!) I told him that either 1. He got distracted when my daughter was there and forgot to play his "game" of avoiding eye contact to annoy me. 2. He didn't want to act weird in front of my daughter. 3. He got distracted and "dropped his guard" and acted happy and relaxed around me like he used to.
I have a friend who just got diagnosed with "terminal" stage 4 stomach cancer. I am praying for God to heal him. I have more faith that God can cure cancer than that he can cure my exBF's bad attitude. I am constantly trying to improve myself and to figure out what I can do to make things better. I am leaving things up to God. Asking for what I want and believing he'll make it come to pass.
I am open to dating, I have a couple of guys I see and keep in touch with from time to time. I am not looking for anyone new, but I'm open it something drops in my lap.
If he'd simply treat me like he treats everyone else, and like he treated me a couple of years ago, that is all I require. I would like a romantic relationship with him...if he could meet my needs, he would fit into my life a lot better than someone new...but I am not trying to get him to fall in love and marry me.
I don't know if he is still acting out his anger and resentment because I started dating other men a year and a half ago, or if he is keeping his distance because he is really attracted to me but is scared of intimacy.
I thought it was better for us to be happy apart than miserable together, but I never thought we couldn't be happy together if he wanted to be. We are not happy apart. Clearly. But I can not do anything directly. If he wants me, he'll have to come get me. The reason I would not sit and talk with him a year and a half ago is because I didn't think there would be any real change. I think he was just wanting to string me along and throw me enough crumbs to keep me waiting. I could not live off those crumbs and he never gave me any reason to think that anything would ever be any better.
I am doing okay. I'm not terribly stressed. I am not lonely. I am not angry or bitter. I just told him that we needed to address the underlying problems. Me avoiding seeing him was just a "bandaid" but even if it made me feel better, it was not resolving anything.
I want to peel off the layers of the "onion" and get to the heart of the matter and deal with whatever issues are keeping us from acting like normal people in a healthy relationship.
If he doesn't want to clear up the problems and communicate with me effectively, I'm going to keep my distance in every way. I am going to expect him to contact me soon and want to talk. I am going to expect that we will work out our issues and be able to have a healthy coparenting relationship. I am going to expect him to act like the good friend I used to know him to be. I don't know how long it will take. I am not going to be holding my breath or watching the clock. He can take all the time he wants. But I am going to stay out of his life. I don't know what I will do when we run into problems. I guess I will wing-it.
I have really been wanting to see an improvement in my relationship with my daughter's dad. I just today realized that I cannot control the relationship.I might have known that on an intellectual level, but I didn't really "GET IT." I always knew I could not control him, but I have always tried to make things "better" and I have been frustrated and confused and surprised to see things not go as I expected. I guess my "trying to fix the relationship" is just an indirect way of me trying to control HIM. I know some things I need to do. 1. Stop trying to "fix the relationship" The one who cares the least is the one who has the power and I know I am ALWAYS going to care more about the relationship than he is, so I need to hand over the reins. I don't WANT to be the one who cares least. 2. Make positive changes in myself and my attitude. 3. Bite my tongue when I feel annoyed or disappointed. 4. Make every interaction a happy and pleasant and positive one that will help him have positive feelings that he associates with being around me. 5. When he acts weird for no reason, I should let it go. He is entitled to his bad days and being cranky sometimes. I should not take it personally or have a chip on my shoulder. If he has a chip on his shoulder, I should just avoid him (which is very easy to do since I have gone 3 weeks without being around him or speaking to him) till the mood passes, and it will pass, and more quickly if I don't make a big deal about it.6. Admire and respect and appreciate all the wonderful things about him as a person and as a father. 7. Learn the difference between encouraging and pressuring and avoid pressuring. 8. Continue in prayer and don't get in God's way. 9. Open my heart to him and not harbor bitterness from things he has done in the past. 10. Wait patiently.
2 years ago things were really good in our co-parenting relationship (the only problem was that I wanted a boyfriend and he didn't want that kind of a relationship with me, and he didn't want me involved with another man, either). I don't think it is ALL my fault that things are so bad now, but I know I have not always acted or reacted in a loving and respectful way. I really miss us doing things together as a family and I hope we can start doing some things together again. I would love to have the rapport we had those first 7 1/2 months before he dumped me, but even then he would act weird a lot of the time and it upset me. That is just how he is and I need to accept it and expect it and don't insist that he stop being that way or try to shame him into acting differently. In the past 5 1/2 years there have been very few times when he really did something bad to me, and even then, I don't think he meant to hurt me. Many, many times I made a big deal out of something and probably damaged the relationship because I didn't want to just let something go. I knew I was right and he was wrong and I wanted him to know it and admit it, too. I know he has feelings for me, and I have feelings for him, but they have been buried by a lot of hurt and resentment. I have to say I love him, but I haven't liked him a lot of the time, and there have been plenty of times I felt like I hated him, but I know it was just anger or frustration. I have been praying for peace, but I think that is really within my control. It is one of the fruits of the spirit. I need to have a peaceful attitude. I had a chance last night and also today to get my hackles up and I exercised my self-control and didn't make an issue out of it. I will take a stand when I need to, but I need to let most things go.
I have always hated to be around people who are always looking for something to get mad about. I sure don't want to be one of those people myself, but I think I have been.
I will be so happy if we can enjoy our daughter's birthday party together in October. But that will also be a test for me. If I ask him to join us, and he says, "No, thanks." I need to let it go. He won't know what to do with himself when I am talking to him almost daily, yet not trying to tell him what he should or shouldn't do and asking him why he isn't acting the way I think he should. Maybe that is why when I just withdrew totally, it made things worse instead of better. We need to interact in a positive way. Avoiding interaction all together was inconvenient and unhelpful. Sometimes you deal with problems best by working through them and not going around them. Reminds me of "Going on a Bear Hunt" and when you come to the tall grass or the mountain or the river, you "Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, you have to go THROUGH it" and when you get through a problem together, it is good practice and experience and it gives you confidence that the next challenge is one that will overcome, too.
